She leans towards the armrest and blinks sleepy eyes at me as I top off the tank and put up the pump handle. Mouths a single word to me, silent but plaintive :
coffee
I nod my head and give her a little wink. Trying to look confident despite the circumstances. She sends back a little smile then closes her eyes as she clutches the sweatshirt around her chest fighting back the chilly morning. When I bring the coffee back, she won't drink it but I bring it just the same. Because she likes the smell and she will hold it in her hands just to warm herself up. And because she asked for it. Because I can't tell her no. That's where we are headed, that's where we are.
I was half dreading going to her 'home' but I was also sure that it would bring us closer. The enchanting sparkle in her eyes would finally let me in, let me know where it came from and why it disappeared somedays. I assured myself that we would move past her loss together, stronger than before, and make a home of our own. Someplace to park the car and a ceiling to gaze at on restless nights. A place with grass and blankets, with windows and coffee cups.
She was driving slower now as the rain dripped from the overburdened clouds, sharing in her grief with tears of their own. She looked oddly comforted and strangely renewed, but I guess rain can do that to a person. Make you feel warm inside even though your skin is screaming. Refresh your soul while reminding you that you are not in charge of your life, the weather, or the world. You are merely there to find your other half. And I had found her.
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