The theory is a possible partial explanation for Just Friends Syndrome, a syndrome often observed in males, but almost exclusively those which are intelligent, sensitive, and caring. A typical manifestation is when a female of the species dates an "asshole" and something bad happens; then she calls up her male friend, who is termed a "nice guy" and possibly suffers from Just Friends Syndrome, and uses him as an emotional comfort provider.
Prole: So at which point do the women "grow up" (for lack of a better term) and stop dating the biggest manipulative jerks they can find? I too have seen what Dhahn describes far too many times, though it's mostly been with early 20-somethings.
My experience has been that most women will be attracted to assholes more than nice guys. For example, take this situation. You and a group of your male friends are at a party. You look over across the room and see a woman that you would like to get with. However, she came to the party with Joe Blow. Everyone of your male friends knows that he is an asshole. But she does not have a clue. Maybe if she did, she would not be interested. But she is. It doesn't matter how many times you tell her that you know he is an asshole. She won't believe it. Until.....
The asshole in him comes out. Then, of course, you would think she would learn, but she doesn't. She finds another asshole, and the cycle continues. Thus the phrase, "Nice guys finish last."
It's intended to be a comic overstatement when I say that we'll get along fine just as soon as you worship me as a goddess, peel me a grape, and wait on me hand and foot - but there's an element of truth there.
When it comes to men who are charismatic, ruthless, and unavailable, all I can say is I've tried that and I'm not interested anymore.
Profuse apologies, if this constitutes too much information.
Guy roommate 1: *bitches at some length about how he can't get women, 'cause he's too much of a nice guy*
Girl roommate: "Oh, I'm sure you'll get together with some really awesome girl sometime. The nice guy thing really isn't all that much. Of course, my boyfriend was originally an asshole, which drew me to him like a moth to a flame."
Even more amusing over the course of the year was the seriously unresolved sexual tension between those two. I was just glad I could sit back and watch without getting involved.
point 1: a man/boy becomes interested in a woman point 2: he decides the woman is smart, talented, funny and beautiful and he wants to date her. point 3- this may or may not be an accurate description of the person she is, since he has not actually dated her. point 4- woman mentioned above is dating a guy that man #1 thinks is selfish and mean spirited (asshole). point 5- man #1 tells woman that she is "better than that" and deserves better (i.e. -himself). She decides that she disagrees, prefers man #2 Now is man 1 saying he prefers this wonderful woman, despite what he considers her terrible judgment? Is he arguing that despite how she acts and how she prefers to be treated, she is the one for him? Would she just "go and change" once she is with him and is "appreciated"?
That logic is the same logic used to argue her away from him.. ??
In summary: Does either sex want to be with a person who is interested in self abusive relationships? Is that healthy to anyone? If you are attractive to someone that masochistic, look in the mirror, do you want your own fuzzy doormat?
I think women tend to date the asshole because he makes them feel special. They have to go out of their way to be nice to you; meanwhile the nice guys are sweet to everyone. The jerks must first acknowledge your presence to be nice to you. This lets you know that you are known to someone who isn't nice to just anyone, and automatically you are placed above everyone else in the room. If he further pays attention to you, then you must be something special, otherwise someone as high up as he would have just moved on. And if you actually manage to hook up with one of these Gods, then you yourself must be worthy of his devotion and attention. It doesn't matter that he chats up other women while around you, because you know he'll be the one taking you home that night, and not the flirtatious waitress.
The nice guy on the other hand is nice to everyone, and after a while you get used to it. "oh yeah, so and so sent me flowers again at work" things tend to be taken for granted when they happen often enough. Yet when he's having a bad day, and makes a rash move, you are more likely to remember that than when he sent you the flowers because it never seems to happen. You think you earned the sudden outburst, and feel like a punished dog, who did nothing wrong. Nice guy tries to make it up to you, more flowers at work, or something else of the sort, but since it's in the norm it doesn't matter. Jerk man on the other hand might pull the same scenario, and send you the same flowers at work, and because it's so different from his other actions, you feel special.
It has been pretty well documented that women whose parents had an abusive relationship often choose abusers themselves. Some of that is due to simple modeling. People learn most about how to live by observing those around them, particularly those who are close to them. Nobody is closer to a child than his or her parents. If Dad beats mom, well that's what men do. Violence becomes a part of love. Intellectually, of course, women know better. But sexual attraction is deep seated compulsion whose components are often irrational. Violence is normal so it's no big deal.
Another issue is self hatred, or low self-esteem if you prefer. The first woman I ever really loved chased and endless supply of men who used her. The issue wasn't that she really liked them, it was that she hated herself. Many people who have been abused don't really think themselves worthy of anyone good. They distrust love because people they love have betrayed them. They seek the users and abusers who represent their norm.
In both cases, the problem is that they really don't believe there is anybody good out there for them. Fortunately guys never feel that way.
And if you believe that I have a killer deal on some ocean front property . . . .
As a former 'nice guy' who never had a girlfriend, being nice is no excuse for lack of a personality. Women want to know that there's something in there. You are a person, express yourself! I know from personal experience that's hard when you don't believe in yourself, and you fear losing someone you want. But do it anyway. I started getting dates, and more, when I started developing enough confidence to let my personality out. No, that doesn't mean I get any women I want. Not even rock stars manage that. But I have enjoyed the company of some really special ladies. Sooner or later, one will decide to keep me.
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