| *dun-da-dun-da-da-da-dun-dunDADUNNNNNDUNDADUN!*
This is KASS 9 Mega-InformerNews™ At Ten!
With LANA JORGENSTEIN and BRICK STUDMAN.
SONDRA SONNTAG SANTÉ in the field.
BOB GRAINFED, Sports!
SUNNY DAVIS, Weather!
Sponsored by Halliburton TOASTER SPIRIT POPPERS, and Kellogg Brown & Root FALLUJAH FLAKES, the only parts of a complete breakfast whose proceeds help fight terrorism and turn your milk black, the color of evil non-Israeli foreigner blood!
In your grocer's freezer!
Good evening! This is Lana Jorgenstein.
--And I'm Brick Studman. Thank you for joining us!
Our top story tonight, much like it is every time this happens -- Hell, we should just keep a tape handy and take the day off:
Our favorite multi-state monster lottery, the AstroCash, is back up above the $300 million mark for tomorrow's drawing.
*screen-in-screen expands to fill entire screen with video montage of oversized check, champagne, random asshats at random retail locations exchanging cash for printed slips of paper*
It's been a year since since 52-year-old Kip Puckettmeyer of Youngstown, Ohio, picked up the ticket that would go on to win the largest AstroCash jackpot ever, $484 million; at the Chester, West Virginia Pump'n'Snack.
--As the story goes, Brick, he was on his way back from polishing the solid-marble Jesus on the grave of his dear mother Ethel, buried in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and decided to stop for a cup of coffee and a tank of gas. In a bizarre twist of fate, one that would forever change his life... *forever*, he decided to pick up an AstroCash before crossing back into Ohio.
Kip says that he almost never plays the lottery, and this was the first time he'd played the AstroCash...
"--Well, funny thing, I never played the lottery that much, and I'd never bought an AstroCash before--"
Little did he know that he would, for the rest of his life, be able to top-off the tank on however many vehicles he chooses to own, no matter how high the gas prices climb!
*uncomfortable pause*
...Yes, uh--*clears throat*--Kip says that there are downsides to being insanely rich: Extreme lack of duties in life, and extreme lack of drama between friends and family, having paid off all their bills and solved every single one of their problems in the process! Kip said that he would keep his job as a middle manager for CommSpooge, but soon wised up to the fact that work is for sucks, and being rich rocks. The truth is that ordinary folks like him have no other opportunities in life. If it weren't for gambling, losers like him would have no chance in Hell of succeeding at anything.
Here with a live report from Blueberry Acres Liquors in Smithjonesville is our field reporter Sondra Sonntag Santé!
Isn't that right, Sondra?
*quick clip of cashier printing out an AstroCash ticket*
Brick, I'm here live at Blueberry Acres Liquors in Smithjonesville, a veritable hotbed of lottery sales. I am standing in front of roughly two hundred downtrodden bumpkins who have said to themselves: 'Why Bother Trying? I'll Just Fail. A Windfall Is My Only Hope.'
Here you can see the line wrapping around the side of the building; this building that people from all walks of life consider to be a lucky spot for participating in the favorite pastime of dreamers and bums alike.
*begins waving microphone around*
Sir, what would you do with the $310 million jackpot?
Bitch, I'd be sittin' on mah black ass not doin' shit, 'cept feedin' mah kids, stockin' up tha Christmas Hoes, and buildin' a replica of MC Hammah's house in tha hillllz, yo! 'Cept I'd have a lot mo' solid gold shit, and wouldn't lose it all like that Oreo did. Nunna that fall from grace buuuuUULSH--
--And you, ma'am?
Ii-i-I-I'd buy that new jetpack Medicaid won't cover. LOOK AT ME! NO LEGS! *tearing up* I have to settle for this Coleco HoverDisc™ powered with AAA batteries! Oh shi--*thud*OW!
Fascinating. You, young man?
Heh..heh heh eeeehhhh..heh...I'd tell my horrible dictator parents to SUCK IT! I DON'T NEED YOUR FUCKIN' FORD EXPLORER OR MONTHLY STIPENDS NO MORE! Drop outta school and start takin' classes in BC BUD 101!!!1 MY LIFE IS MAH OooOOWN NOW! XBOX, fuckin' PLAYSTATION 2, 3, 4, *and* faaaahve, fuckin' YEAHH. AAAHAAAA! WOOooOOOOO! YO STAR! MONICA! BUFFAAAY! JENNY! I'M ON T--
--Enough of you. You, sir?
Quit my job, what else?
And you?
Quit my job. Take a trip. Buy a car.
And you?
No mas trabajo!
You, ma'am?
Oh, I'd backpack through Europe, then find a more interesting job, maybe something that really helps my community, just to keep a level head on my shoulders, and really make a difference, you know? I'd end up putting most of it away for my kids and grandkids, and--
--How motherfucking bor--I mean--noble! Earlier today I spoke with Brian Vandermeer, Professor of Numerals and Gambling Odds at Prestige Private University about how slim the odds are of actually hitting the AstroCash jackpot...
BRIAN VANDERMEER, NUMBER GUY
PRESTIGE PRIVATE UNIVERSITY
*smug facial expression and smart-looking hand gestures*
The odds of hitting this jackpot aren't just the same as being struck by lighting. Lord, no. Those odds are for the state lottery, Holy-Shit-I'm-Rich Super Cashola 6/57. The odds of hitting this jackpot are the same as being pelted with diamond-encrusted My Little Ponys by the resurrected Nell Carter while it's raining babies.
And then, like, airplane poo in the shape of Carrot Top's head drops down on you and kills you.
So if you think you're going to win the AstroCash, you're a fucking idiot. Feel free to throw your money away, but you're a fucking idiot and will suck for all time.
Despite this bold statement by a smart college professor dude, many of the sucks here at Blueberry Acres Liquors are putting the extra $50 into their liquor budgets, sometimes even sacrificing scratch-offs; and a little something extra into those brown paper bags with the necks of their beverages sticking out: HOPE.
Lana? Brick?
* This was originally going to be profound and serious, but the venom of the Goofball Bug had tainted my blood... I originally was going to leave this as a nodeshell, because that's the main message. | 
