The boys did not know it. They were just being beautiful, and I got to watch.

created by icicle

(person) by Scout Finch (12.3 hr) (print) ? (I like it!) 3 C!s Fri Feb 13 2004 at 4:57:43

Drew was the first one that I noticed. Something about the way his blue eyes always appeared to be staring into the distance always attracted me. I remember watching him, always wishing I could be as important to him as he was to me. We spent the summer together, laying in fields of wild grass and swimming in the old quarry at night. He never knew it, but he changed me that summer. He made me open up, become free and begin to grow.

Eric came next. A young farm boy, he had a simple charm to him. He wore broken in boots, tight jeans, flannel shirts, and short dirty blond hair covered by a rugged baseball cap. He had crooked teeth, but not in that gross stereotypical British way. His smile, too, was crooked, as if to warn of his slyness. I loved the way his eyes would squint up at the corners when he smiled, and his cheeks would get slightly red, almost as if he was embarrassed to be smiling. He comforted me when I lost Drew and somehow made the slide from fall into winter a little easier. He kept me warm and made me smile with his simplicity.

The following summer, Jared arrived. He swept the entire town off their feet with his intelligence and sense of city style. He never knew it until years later, but I admired him so much. I was one of the first to get close to the boy, and one of last to let go of him. He was suave, refined, and tender. He was crazy, in that innocent and cute way. Jared was the type of boy who could break your heart, leaving you to scream about how much you hated him; however the moment he asked for your forgiveness, you could give in within moments. He was reckless and careless with his heart and for some reason, I always wished I could be the same way. I still believe to this day that I owe him for putting poetry back into my life. He was the first person since Drew that I was able express myself with and the first person who ever taught me anything in return.

Jared left in a hurry within a year, shipping himself off to fight a war he didn't even believe in. I found it admirable and also dumbfounding that he would cast aside his fears and beliefs to fight in a foriegn country for false reasons. At that point in time, the greatest boy of all came into light.

Jason was so foolishly innocent that you couldn't help but feel strings tug on your heart every time he came near. He had always been there, I have never figured out why I didn't notice him sooner. He was closer to me than any other human being, including myself. My best friend since young childhood, Jason was a rock I had always depended on. He was always there, shy, but full of support and love. I still do not know why but he had always stood by me even through my hardest moments and worst trials. He never gave up on me or lost faith. For this, I am more in debt to him than anyone else.

It took me years to realize the feelings I held for this boy. By the time I did, it was almost as if it was too late. Jason was moving on with his life, falling in love with other girls and meeting new people. I watched him grow from the boy I had always known into the man he didn't plan to be. He cut his hair, shaved but not bald, and grew a goatee. He adopted senses of style and grace. He was still just as caring as he always been to those closest to him, but developed a tough guy exterior to the rest of the world. He went to school to put a head on his shoulders and came back with ability to make his own choices and live his own life.

I tried to tell him once about how I felt. I attempted to tell him about how much I cared for him and loved him, but I couldn't. I just simply couldn't. And in retrospect, I feel this is best. He'll never know how much he's changed me, nor how deeply my feelings ran for him. Jason remains to be the only boy I've ever really loved. He's the one I'll compare others to and always regard as the one I've loved the most, even though he's my one unrequited love. He'll never know.

He'll never know.
He was just being beautiful, just learning to be himself. I'm just content knowing that I got to watch.

printable version
chaos

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