| (Washington, D.C.) - In a suprise move, the FDA announced today that it has been running a secret project involving research of a number of top web sites to determine if they are addictive. The results of this project indicate that while not all of them are addictive, a suprising number of them are. Top of the list of addictive websites is Everything 2, a web site that lets users enter any text they desire, and read that entered by others. They claim it is 10 times more addictive than complaining about the government.
"We are as yet unsure what makes Everything 2 so addictive, as it seems to lack any real entertainment value", stated Larry Wilson, one of the people in charge of the project. "It consists of little more than sections of text connected to other sections of text. We have noticed that there seems to be a large amount of pro-linux and anti-Microsoft sentiment there, so it might be required viewing for members of the linux cult." He was then summarily asked by a reporter if it were "true that you have received a large payment from Bill Gates for both this study, and to make such comments." Mr. Wilson refused to comment on this.
Other web sites identified as addictive include Slashdot, and the home page of each company that has a linux distribution. The FDA is currently discussing whether or not to ban these sites, and to make viewing them, allowing someone else to view them, or even being in the area while someone else is viewing them, a federal crime punishable by confiscation of all computer equipment used in the viewing, any private property tainted by the viewing, and 30 years in prison. When we asked a source inside the FDA about whether or not this was too draconian, he replied, "They're trying to model the laws on the war on drugs. Sure, we're losing that, but everyone involved is getting rich off of it, and they want to spread the wealth to other officials."
One member of our staff of investigative reporters attempted to visit the Everything 2 web site, but has disappeared since the viewing under suspicious circumstances, and all of his possessions are currently up for government auction. Thus we encourage people not to use the internet at this time.
And people complained that The Nodeshell Rescue Team didn't put in enough effort... | 
