The Half Asian Identity

My mother came to the United States in her late 20s. She is from Taiwan, and she met my father, a white, southern Baptist (redneck), at the University of South Carolina. Don't ask me _why_ she wanted to study in that infernal state, and not New York, or California or something, but she did. The two of them "fell in love," were married, and had a son. This was almost two decades ago, I believe.

I think they had a hard time starting out. She was an Asian after all, and my father's family didn't exactly respect her... partly because she was female, and further because of her race. The whole "southern values" and Christian dogma situations weren't healthy for her, and my dad's family held strictly to their close-minded bullshit.

To put it simply, they were unkind. No... they were fucking ass holes, and I have yet to forgive them. But I'm straying from the point....

My parents were poor. My father went on to be the first in his family to graduate from college. He was a genius. They gave him a full scholarship through graduate school and he acquired a PhD in European History. He is now a professor, and, I think, because of my mom. She kept him in school, and made him work. He helped teach her English. I think they were content for a time, or at least tolerable. They supported one another, in their weird relationship in the south.

But I don't think they were ever happy. For as long as I can remember, they've slept in separate bedrooms. I've never known them to talk with one another much. As a toddler, we moved to south Florida - it's warm here. They escaped the claustrophobic "deep south" and tried to start over. They have succeeded... but there is strife. I've taken my mother's side.

It's a sad situation.

Now, I'm a junior in high school; I'm half Asian, and everything is all the more confusing because of it. My parents remain together; they tolerate one another; but hardly can one stand the other. Their relationship has somewhat distorted my view of romance, or love, or whatever it is you want to call it. I've never seen them happy; I never want to see them happy. It's come to the point where I actually hate one of them.

Maybe it contributes, maybe it doesn't. I try not to think about it, but it's always there. And really, I think anyone of my race - my hybridity - must be under strikingly similar circumstances as I. I can only assume that anyone with the same background, the same family heritage, must be a lot like me. While two people of a single race (European, African, Asian...) may be completely different, I think another like me, another paradox, could only be similar, almost identical to me.

The learning experience...

I'm a contradiction and it is, beyond interesting, hardening. You stand out. You can "fit in," but you stand out, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. You distance yourself from people - you become detached. There was a time when I could hardly touch anyone; when I could hardly look people in the eye. It's passed, but my inherent solitude isn't going to go away.

I don't let it get me down. I'm a loner, and that's alright, I look Asian to Americans, and American to Asians. My eyes are slanted, but slightly. Not narrow, just slanted... and black. With dark brown hair and pale skin, whiter than most. Not short, not tall, but smaller in frame. (The cursed mind has troubled digestion.)

Beyond it all, I've never met someone like me. I know they exist, but I don't know them... and that's fine. I'm a true American. You won't find cities of my nationality on any other continent. You won't find "my people" in some other land. Just know: I will ace math class and English class - I will eat pizza for lunch and tofu for dinner. I know all the Christmas carols, and can appreciate Buddhism.

There are no rules when you're the exception.

Here, where I live, hybrids exist in abundance. Some resemble to their "White" side more than their "Asian" side, while others are more akin to their "Asian" side. Girls adapt to their environment more easily, because White guys seem to like hybrids and now that "Asian cultures are Cool", all the more reason.

The hybrids, here where I live, are almost all Chiggers. Strange eh? A Half Chinese-Half White dude trying to be a White dude who pretends to be a Black guy. HA! They don't really have a problem integrating, because they sort of have their own culture. But I'm generalizing, I know many pure Asians, North-American-born Asians, Half-Asians that are not accepted.

One of my dad's friend is a pure Asian who came to Canada when he was really young and now he's about 50 and God knows how many marriages he's gone through. I've imagined myself in that situations tons of time. Can you imagine how hard it would be to find a mate? White chicks generally don't like Chinese guys (unless they look like White guys) and (pure) Chinese girls almost never go outside of their cultures, unless some weird circumstance twists them to think otherwise (ie. money, "it's-cool-to-have-a-white-dude-as-a-boyfriend", half-asian, etc.)

While I'm not half-and-half, I'm a banana. Most of my friends are White dudes, but I do hang out with some Asians (who happen to be almost all Taiwanese oddly -- I'm Cantonese). I find it even harder to cope seeing as I went to French schools since I was young and suddenly I've changed to an Anglo environment in school. So I feel alienated by Anglos, Asians and Francophones. The Anglos see me as another Chinese dude, the Asians see me as a Banana (an alien breed) and the only time I've ever felt comfortable was with my French friends, but even then I was the "Strange One."

Ever since I was young, I've always seen myself as the "Outcast", the only Asian guy in his High School, the guy who always gets asked how you spell "Jean-François" in Chinese even though I don't even know how to spell Chinese characters, the guy whom everybody think he knows Kung Fu just because of the colour of his skin. It's endless. I could never be left alone, I could never be "one of the guys." Now though, I don't really care anymore. I think as you grow older, you come to accept things more easily and you'd rather build bookcases.

There are even more strange things about me...

I always felt lonely and isolated growing up. My mother didn't ever understand what it was like to be a half asian girl in America, or even just growing up in America. My father was military and he was never home. They were together for 22 years until they finally got divorced. I think they were in love and tried to make it work in the beginning but after a while, all I remember is their misery and indifference towards each other. I attended schools where everyone was either white or black. My friends were usually white but it was not always easy trying to fit in as an adolescent when my homelife was of 2 different cultures trying to make it work.

My last year in high school, my father got stationed in Korea and there I felt like I was finally home because all my friends were half breeds. Almost everyone was in the school I went. I loved it!! Until then, I never knew anyone like me existed. When they came over to my home, I didn't have to explain why we had to take our shoes off, or my mom's Asian accent or eating funny-smelling food with chopsticks. It was soooo nice. Of course it didn't last because I had to come back to the States, on to college. And to make matters worse, my dad's side of the family are pretty hick, from the backwoods so growing up visiting my grandparents were always like everyone treating me like an alien-born kid. I had to go to college near the only family we had in America which were my grandparents living in a small hick town. I think there was one Asian family there in the entire town. It was a horrible experience that I didn't know at the time.

I can look more or less Asian depending on what I wear and how I do my hair/makeup.  I suppose I've had plenty of caucasian females and males that find my exotic looks appealing but that was not always the case growing up...

Anyhow, I don't hate being half asian. Life has been pretty good for me I supposed. I have a B.S. degree and decent job but I've always wished I had more friends that were like me. My husband is caucasian and none of his family members know anyone Asian. I don't think his mom ever knew what sushi was until recently. It may be all learning experience for people who don't know the Asian culture, but I would just like to hang with half breeds who has been exposed to both sides of the culture their entire life. I suppose I am lucky that I can like both "sushi & pizza" in one sitting but I'd like to have some girlfriends that can say that also!!!

I don't think I would fit in with the traditional full-Asian community. I don't considere myself the traditional Asian, like those who have come to this great country with all their own culture instilled in them. I am an American even if I have to keep telling people who ask me where I am from.