(Originally noded on November 17, 2000)
Once upon a time, there was a website called ReplacementPets.com. On one of their pages (http://www.hamsterific.com/Replacement_pets/why.html), they included the following statement:
"How did this all happen?
United under the Lguide.com name, Team Jet Poop some how found time, when not slaving away to increase the value of Lguide.com, to pursue their own private ventures. ReplacementPets.com, Hamsterific.com, and ihatethistown.com are such projects."
It was not us.
Really, we don't know who they are or how they happened to end up using our name. There are non-team-members who we allow to use the name--the brother of one of our members uses the name when he plays Quake online--but these guys are total mysteries to us. So we decided, hey, maybe we better go down and have a talk with 'em. Maybe we can try to figure out why they picked our name...
(Scene: A large, monolithic office building in Silicon Valley. The members of Team Jet-Poop are knocking at the door. A nameplate on the door reads "ReplacementPets.com - A Division of Cyberdyne".)
Todd: I'm gonna punch their lights out! I'm gonna beat 'em with a hockey stick!
Patrick: You better chill, Todd. They might have a good explanation.
Todd: Who cares? I'm gonna beat 'em with--with a pickax, man! A goddamn PICKAX!
Olivia: We're switching you to decaf, Todd.
Edward: Hey, did we get the time zones wrong? It isn't after closing time here, is it? 'Cause this door is locked.
Phillip: No, we got hours before five. Whoever heard of an office building where you have to knock on the door to get in, right?
Todd: Pull up the floor tiles! Club 'em with bats! Baseball bats! Vampire bats! Keep 'em guessing!
Olivia: Jack, you better take Pixy Stix off the grocery list, too.
(The door opens, and very proper English butler sticks his head out)
Butler: Yes?
Todd: You cannot stand before my Racquetball Racquet of Death, you flaming mofo!!!
Olivia: Sorry. It's the Mountain Dew talking.
Jack: Uh, hi. We're looking for Ryan Leisinger, Ken "Hamsta" Brocx, and Jonathan Grant.
Butler: And you are...?
Patrick: We're Team Jet-Poop, from Everything2.
Olivia: To protect the world from demonization!
Oscar: To unite all noders within our nation!
Edward: QUIET! Save it for later...
Phillip: We were wanting to find out why they were using our name...
Butler: I see. Wait here, please.
(Butler exeunt)
Jack: Did you see that?
Oscar: A butler. Who the hell keeps a butler in an office building?!
Todd: I WILL FEAST UPON THEIR SOULS WITH A SIDE ORDER OF JULIENNE FRIES!
Patrick: Todd, you better chill out now.
Todd: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?! I AM THE GREAT CORN--Oww! Leggo!
Olivia: Are you finished?
Todd: Yeah, I'm done, I'm done! Leggo! You're gonna break my collarbone!
Olivia: Okay, then.
Todd: Damn cybernetic hand...
Jack: Maybe he's not actually a butler. He could be a security guard or something.
Edward: Security guards don't wear tuxedos. Maybe he was--
(The door opens again, and a lawyer emerges)
All: AAAAHH! A LAWYER!
Lawyer: Good afternoon. You were enquiring about the Team Jet-Poop trademark?
Phillip: Uhh, yeah. We wanted--hold on. Did you say "trademark"?
Lawyer: That is correct. Mssrs. Leisinger, Brocx, and Grant have recently applied for and been granted a trademark on the "Team Jet-Poop" name and all rights thereto in perpetuity, including related insignia and slogans and covering present and future enterprises including, but not limited to: film, television, music, video game, and book rights; professional sports teams; breakfast cereals; action figures; clothing; charm bracelets; alcoholic beverages; exercise equipment; Christmas ornaments; pork products; perfume and cologne; greeting cards; shampoo and conditioner; commemorative plates; collectible trading card games; automotive decals and accessories; Halloween costumes; web browsers; diamond jewelry; amusement park rides; and inflatable love sheep.
Edward: Wh-What?
Todd: Hey, I thought y'all were just into replacement pets and hamsters and stuff, right?
Lawyer: Yes, replacement pets, hamsters, and stuff are also covered in the application.
Jack: So, you...?
Oscar: What does...?
Patrick: Can we...?
Lawyer: Do you have any additional questions? Or shall we start examining your highly dubious use of our trademark?
Olivia: Umm.
(Team Jet-Poop runs away) |
