The Convenience Store FAQ

created by craze

(thing) by craze (9.7 hr) (print) ? (I like it!) 5 C!s Sun Jun 18 2006 at 11:50:55

1q) Do you deal in services and merchandise that do not exist on this city / nation / planet / universe?
1a) No, convenience stores are unable to provide goods and services that do not exist. In fact there are very few people or establishments that can provide this. If you find someone who can, they are either ripping you off, or a very good drug dealer.

2q) Can you provide me with the telephone number / fax number / eMail / address / sexy photos of a drug dealer?
2a) No. Convenience store clerks deal in selling goods and services within the store itself. As we do not allow for drug dealers to do business in affiliation with our store, we are unable to provide you with such information. We do have a telephone book.

3q) Can I buy a telephone book?
3a) Sorry, we don't actually sell the book, we just have one for personal use. We are selling these fine leather jackets.

4q) How much does this item cost?
4a) Here at convenience store, we pride ourselves on labelling all of our goods and services with pricing information! See item for details!

5q) So, um... how much does this cost?
5a) You're kidding right?

6q) Technically your last answer was not an answer, but it was a question.
6a) Technically your last question wasn't a question.

7q) Do you have Jaffa Cakes?
7a) If you're inside the UK: Yes! We almost certainly do! If not, see question 1.

8q) Can I cash in this lottery ticket?
8a) That appears to be a crumpled piece of paper that has been several times washed. While it may have at one time been a winning lottery ticket, it is now a crumpled piece of paper that has been several times washed. The state instituted lottery system operates on barcodes printed on the ticket. Since your crumpled piece of paper that has been several times washed is so damaged, our systems are unable to provide you with your winnings in the event that your crumpled piece of paper was in fact, at one point, a winning lottery ticket.

9q) Say what now?
9a) I'm sorry, but I can not cash that ticket. Our system is down, but you can try the convenience store on the next block over. Have a nice day.

10q) Are you trying to get rid of me?
10a) I said have a nice day, sir. Please step aside to allow the next person in the queue to be served.

11q) If I am buying something embarrassing will it help if I purchase several other items with the embarrassing good / service to make me seem less deviant?
11a) No, in fact this will cause more of an issue. Buying several items will increase the time you are in line and allow others to stare at your purchases longer. Also, buying a kinky porno mag with a jar of mayo and a Barbie doll that we conveniently supply may increase the weird factor you have.

12q) Can I get the latest copy of Generic Super Kinky Magazine Title and a jar of peanut butter?
12a) No, we do not stock peanut butter, but we do have mayonnaise for your late-night shopping pleasure.

13q) What's the convenience store worker's place in society, can they be plumbers?
13a) In human society, the convenience store workers have many roles: these are mainly to conveniently provide limited goods and services and to conveniently provide answers to questions about before mentioned limited goods and services. They often know where to find good drug dealers, but will not tell you, but instead will direct you to the phone directory.

14q) Where are your bathrooms?
14a) My bathrooms are located in my cozy little dwelling 6 blocks from here. There is a half bathroom on the ground floor and a full bathroom at the end of the hall on the second floor, but it is always out of toilet paper.

Inspired by The Bear FAQ and late night trips to buy snacks.
Questions may or may not be frequently asked in actually, but it's better than calling this a FUQ.
If you would like to ask a question or suggest a question you know is asked, please /msg me.
I have never worked as a reqister biscuit.

printable version
chaos

The Bear FAQ	Psalms of the Convenience Store Clerk: Hum, Blessed Beer Cooler	How to be a terrible customer	Jaffa Cakes
customer : nutty nut girl	Humorous Writings of E2	dead rat game	How to Sell Sex Stories
The Secret of Monkey Island	laughing at things that aren't funny	A quiet evening's drive with a presumed drug dealer	Happy Birthday From Planet Motherfucker
Nothing fills me with dread quite like a mushroom	Winfield Scott	Nothing could be close to quite like this	Original
Ukraine	The Water Bear FAQ	Some questions for George W. Bush	FAQ
Flickr	George Washington's 1796 State of the Union Address	Robots	The Wind

Y'know, if you log in, you can write something here, or contact authors directly on the site. Create a New User if you don't already have an account.

Login
Password

remember me
password reminder
register

Everything2 Help

What you are reading:
Bert Kaempfert
The mathematician as madman
All ravens are black
Morrowind
Tiananmen Square Massacre
Kyoto protocol
Rockall
Loch Ness
Alexander the Great
Faheem Williams
Madrid bombing
In Watermelon Sugar
A Prayer for Everythingians

Heitah
Anarchy is Order	(idea)
jessicaj
July 26, 2008	(dream)
Berek
ABBA	(person)
devolution
k-hole	(place)
Nadine_2
The Sound Of Madness	(review)
Twin Eclipse
Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue	(idea)
SwimmingMonkey
Conversations with Fo Fo- the Loneliest dog in Purgatory	(fiction)
locke baron
lynx	(thing)
Simulacron3
Reality, Dimensions and the Natural Ontology	(essay)
SubSane
Making Love to a 9-Foot Woman	(person)
Ouzo
Thoughts	(idea)
antigravpussy
I fall silent, listening. The breadcrumbs are talking about us	(person)
calgon
Buffalo Bill by the pool	(poetry)
gate
Anarchy is Order	(idea)
ushdfgakjasgh
Scribeling	(thing)

E2 is a by-product of the existence of The Everything Development Company