War Is Good, War Is Great! by Ted Geisel, Ph.D.
War is good. War is great!
War is vital to the state.
War can mean life or death.
War can mean awful, rotten, no-good breath.
On Strategies
Wars are won with plans and with lies,
with good preparation, and most of all with
Yes, yes, in war you must learn to calculate.
(No, no, I don't mean all of that math which you hate!)
On Preparation
Remember this rule as you pack up your food:
Don't take the people's. (It's just very rude.)
Experts agree, taking food from the peasants
Will make all your wars sad and unpleasant!
Instead just steal it from your foes!
(What a foe is fo' no one really knows ...)
Reward your troops with gold and with mansions.
(Don't forget the pool and jacuzzi expansions!)
On Tactics
AAAAAAHHH! When fighting scream and yelp and make lots of noise!
EEEEEEE! Whoop and holler and shout like naughty little boys!
Use fire, use terrain, use darkness and spies!
Use speed and use sunlight, and always
Avoid the siege! Take high ground! Use concealing paths!
Most important of all: Divide and conquer! (Oh no, not more maths!)
On Combat
Have your men fight like the fighting shuai-jan snake!
With spirit and vigor (their lives are at stake!)
When you strike the snake's head, it attacks with its tail!
When you strike in the rear, it uses its head without fail!
(For those out there wondering, here's a fun riddle:
What happens when you strike the shuai-jan at its middle?
You get the head and the tail.
Bet it hurts a little.)
On Victory
War is good, war is great!
War is vital for the state.
War can mean glory or shame.
War can mean people remember your name.
Yes, impose your will on the enemy like King Alexander
And you, too, can be considered a great Great commander!
In the age of the remix, everyone should try this.
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