Such are the clouds and storms and quicksands and thousand and one items

You started killing yourself at night
Discarded who you were for the glimpse of some vague hope.
You longed for a single word, a single sign- that never came - and never would.
Did you really think you could change?

Your prayers and curses
rose to God and fell as silent
tides in the back of your head...
Was that the first indication that something had gone wrong?

You remained true to faith - didn't you?
You hid behind your wall of prayers and chants...
There always hope wasn't there?
You swallowed the isolation, brooded
and learned how to fake a smile.

No one abused you or touched you...
so, you couldn't blame it on anyone but yourself.
But no one said that you were ok either...
if that had happened just once - 
you might have stopped being some kind of Schrodinger's Cat.
It was just silence all around you.
So, you hammered and shined your faith
and hung it like a cross on a chain around your neck-
for the right people to see..
who were they? And where are they, now that you don't care?
Was it worth it? Is it still?

Your faith only got heavier as you grew up -
Did it ever have value?
How did it weigh so much? it was hollow brass - 
a gold plate lie.
Was faith supposed to be something to make you wish you were dead?
To make you long to be something you were incapable of being...
You never considered throwing it away - did you? You just endured in that silence
buried it in the sand...
hid it in a box on the shelf- behind your dreams-
and your dirty magazines -

How long did you linger
before you felt like a fool for letting them define you?
Didn't you just want to sleep one entire night in your life without the question?

Because it never gave you shelter from your clouds and storms
and never stopped the quicksand dreams...going down... wanting to end it all
it never made you free or happy.
Your prayers just brought silence from an angel less Heaven
Your Jesus cast rain down in misty sheets for your bed.
It made you wish you were dead?
What good was that?
You wanted to live... and not as a lie...

It's time you opened your eyes
to see the 'faith' you made for what it was.
Tarnished- from a thousand vain kisses -
Your faith will only get easier if you chuck the old one into the sea,
or bury it in the ground and let the rain drown it
Do you really need to carry THAT cross? 
Just throw it away
and see how that makes you feel. Could it be any worse?