Television Spin-Off: Star Wars - The Early Years
Seumas (seumas@seumas.com)
Note: Originally posted on Slashdot and my personal website.
Before filming the pilot of a new television series deriving from Star Wars, we must choose the most appropriate substitute for the teenage Anakin Skywalker.
I would prefer to see any of the following play the older Anakin:
Adam Sandler: (in the voice of opera-man): "There's-a no problemo! --Obi-Wan-Oh! Just throw me my light-saber-oh!"
Drew Carey: "Ah, screw this Jedi crap, Obi-Wan -- let's go grab a beer. ..!"
Jeff Foxworthy: "If you can crush a mans neck, simply by looking at him --you might be a Jedi!"
==Television Pilots==
And perhaps we can begin to see Star Wars explore some more pressing issues with the central characters being so young.
In the vein of 90210, Anakin could knock Queen Amidala up while they're both underage and deal with a pending abortion, adoption, or birth. Amidala will be forced to relinquish control of Naboo to become a stay-at-home mom. And, in typical male fashion (according to Hollywood), Anakin will dump her for Brittany -- the local slut.
In the style of Blossom and Party of Five, we could have Anakin explore his new-found bi-sexual desires with Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Meanwhile, Jar-Jar Binks finds himself seduced by the porn-world, producing Naboo's most impressive blue-market videos.
Queen Amidala, having become an unemployed, single, teenage mother, will resort to prostitution and fight fruitlessly to fight off her rabid drug-habit. Of course, never able to kick the habit, she is knocked up again when Anakin returns while on the rebound and talks a drunken Amidala into a little nookie (for old-times sake, of course). Nine months later, she gives birth to a crack-baby named Luke. Not wanting to own up to his responsibilities again, Anakin applies to the Navy. Unfortunately, despite their don't-ask-don't-tell policy, his carnal desires are exposed and he is booted out of the service, only to join the Empire.
In the flavor of Moesha, we learn about the danger of gangs and peer-pressure as Anakin is jumped into The Empire and exposed to violence and hate.
And in a very touching scene, derived from many episodes of South Central, Anakin picks up his first light saber. Of course, the weapon's owner had neglected to keep it in a safe place or install a saber-lock.
And in a heart-warming ending to Episode II, Amidala succumbs to a drug-induced coma and sees dancing wookies, in a rather obvious Alley McBeal-esque rip-off.
Yes, I speak blasphemy! You must admit, though, that many of us would rather see such ideas as those previously mentioned than anything remotely similar to Episode I again.
- fin - | 
