ok..spammers, buckle up and swallow your bile. Aeons ago I slimed down from on high holding a sponge tablet of puissant power, and antibacterial properties unknown, curiously entitled: I'm creating a religion...you'll like it!. With my wild white beard, robes billowing enigmatically in the wind, and sporting some fuck-off cool jesus sandals I looked quite the prophet. If this description is tweaking your fun-nipples, and giving you that 'far-off, earnest, screw me you beast gaze', read on!
The religion has been created ... but I've decided you won't like it. Now that's never been a valid reason not to embrace an ideology, in particularly a religious idealogy. After all, who really *wants* to be a christian apart from the whole eternal life and fear of god's wrathful judgement thing (don't forget...God was a cruel bastard for a long time before he got better PR reps and became all funky love and lamb caressy). Exactly three people find droning dissaproval from a child molester every sunday for the rest of their lives to be a description of a fun activity. Two of them are dead.
Anyway, if you're still reading..good for you. You're probably just doing it so you can continue feeling superior in your moral outrage, or possibly something more disease related. I will continue ranting maniacally like Richard Simmons after scarfing an entire chocolate hash cake. Naturally, I still have in my possession the '7 special things that if released unto the masses will cause the death of all reason, and the beginning of the time of gibbering and considerable discomfort'.
The terms of my religion are simple: you will believe in it, or I will sell the 7 special things to the highest bidder. The profit motive being what it is ... mere milliseconds would pass prior to heavily hyped releases of the 7 special things in the form of abysmally bad special effects movies, vapidly hypnotic pop, and toys designed to enhance the 'mummy..I want a pokemon, I want a pokemon, I want a pokemon, I want a pokemon, I want a pokemon, why can't I have a pokemon, I want a deathstormer 5000, I want a deathstormer 5000, I want a barbie power-ranger dream-castle pony master morphing nintendroid' gene in children.
Do you want that? Then BELIEVE. After all, the most popular religions are usually enforced with thumb-screws and razor blade zeal anyway. What do you have to believe? Whatever you like, but you must try to make it something that doesn't fuck up other people's lives. That's about it. Oh, as well as that whole "THOU SHALT SAY THE WORDS 'TENTACLE PORN' SHALL BE THE WHOLE OF THE LAW1" commandment thing.
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This really needs to be said with heavy reverb..just like bad FM ROKK ROKK ROKK radio." | 
