Terminal E of Logan Airport. Two beings, in the deepest form of love that can be..At this moment I will be clasping my fingers around yours.. Never in my entire life have I been so beyond inarticulately emotional, let alone this much in love.
I never asked for such wonderful treatment, but I feel as though I'm the most blessed boy alive in this universe.
Thank you for being so you. I could never ask for more.
I love you, now and forever.
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woohoo!
You see I have this Star Market card. When the cashier swipes the card, any specials on the items takes affect. Sometimes it's under a dollar and sometimes it adds up to a few dollar. Well to cut the chase, I saved $10.08 today. I suppose I could buy enough stuff to have savings add up to that but this was a $10 savings over $34. So I only paid $23.63. That's savings of 32%.
This is a personal best.
And now back to our regular programming of drunkenmonkey's life. ... don't laugh.
My Palm IIIe has just had it's screen broken.
Again.
I really am quite upset about this.
Why can't they make them less harder to damage? The idiots at Palm want them to be fragile so you can buy replacements. I am feeling emotionally distraught, and depressed. Perhaps I will go get eaten by the EDB.
It matters little to me.
back | days | forth
Something lost and something gained...
Today, after yesterday, I am still in shock. The things that happened to me, the words that were said have shaken me to the core of my being. I am still trying to examine the hurt, hold my heart up to the light and see the emotions pulsing through the red glow. But I'm still in shock. It feels empty somehow, a void gaping where there should be tears, insults, shouting and violence.
I lied; I didn't cry last night, my eyes watered quite a bit, but tears didn't flow. I wanted to cry, but I think my defence was to simply remain empty, in shock
Yet I am still deeply in love, I still woke up seeing the things I saw yesterday morning, I still walk with my hand in hers
Waking up after all this happened: Get up and run to the bathroom, I think I am late. Stay in the bath for ages, pondering what has passed. Shave carefully and remember her watching me.
In work after all this happened: Talking and apologising to mark, telling him what yesterday did to me. Trying to join in the Monday morning conversations, but failing; retreating to my desk to pour my feelings into this daylog.
I suppose these logs are my way of coming to terms with these feelings, my way to examining myself. You see, dear reader, these words are only 10% of my thoughts on any given subject. Composing these paragraphs let me go over things that have happened, things that at the time may go unexamined.
My mother, whilst driving me to work this morning, had no clue that I was so empty. I told her that I phoned my aunt and, again, she was very upset. I don't really understand the hatred that has built up between those four sisters. All I know is that I am missing out on seeing my aunts and that my mother's anger causes me pain.
This reaction from her has convinced me never to attempt to contact my father for fear of the consequences.
We all make mistakes, I forgive all that has happened from the deepest wells of my heart.
11:55 GMT
I hope the above gets across sadness, not anger; I am not angry, I don't think I ever was...
And, another thing to lighten my shallow little mind; my mobile phone (ericsson T28s) turned up, and very nice it is too...
On saturday I noticed that the best cure for feeling lonely and down might not be spending the night alone with somber music and a few glasses of white wine. Somewhere around 2am - when my weariness got me a lot more discombobulated than the small amount of alcohol - I came close to submitting some silly crap to E2. Fortunately I could stop myself before hitting the button. Last time I posted something in such a pathetic state it became my highest-ranking WU, but I'd rather node something of real value instead. This writeup is naturally an exception to the rule. :)
After a few months of braindead PHP typing, I suddenly need to get creative again. This job might not offer much of a salary, but at least there are challenges: I have less than two weeks to create a "stunning" set of gfx for a big service - from scratch. Uhm.. thanks, boss. If I don't come up with something ingenous soon I'll be on prozac before next week's Friday. But it's simply impossible to kickstart one's brains on a Monday, so I'll just spend the day checking out similar services for inspiration.
Almost forgot - time for the traditional (?) Monday whining. Could everyone please stop hyping the "mobile internet revolution"? Cell Phones are replacing computers in using the 'net? Yeah, right. There are those who are on the road all the time and need to work while travelling, but they've already got their laptops and GSM connections. It will be the second ice age in hell when you'll see a regular person like me browsing a stripped-down version of the WWW - or doing just about anything net-related - with a tiny 2-colour screen, when I can have a 19" monitor, a mouse and a keyboard. And why do I need to use some fancy WAP service to order my movie tickets, when I can just call the theater? Maybe I'm just stupid, but I don't see much substance in this whole craze. Sure, there may be some useful implementations of this technology. But most of the functions can be done just as well by "traditional" means, without having to spend all that $$$. The Emperor has no clothes. Sorry for the rant. Did I mention it's Monday?
[Dream Log]
Today's wake up log: Woke up at 8 or so. Turned on TV and all that. Decided to go to the university at 9:30 or so. Closed eyes a bit. When I opened them, it was 12:30 or whatever again, way too late to do anything... =(
::sighs::
Headache hit me once again, too...
Well, I had a strange dream. And when I woke up, I took Mikko from the floor and hugged him once again. =)
I think I need to make coffee to shake the dream off my head... =) (In case you don't get that joke, see this. =)
Stupid Spammer Tricks, part n+10^6:
Date: 11/19/00 From: Nicole<Nicole81@mail.com&#gt; Subject: Hi! It's me again To: Nicole81@mail.com X-Mailer: E-mail sender
Spammer sent stuff to "Kenny", claiming Kenny's old girlfriend has taken some n00ghti pictures of the spammer when she was drunk, and posted them as the month's "featured slut" pictures. And don't tell anyone. Right. URL had decimal ip once again. With "remove instructions".
I mean, only the most stupidest of the stupid could fall on that. The sender obviously is not a black-powder-inventor herself (himself? or would "itself" be more accurate?) since she sent mail to herself - that alone sends the credibility of the mail through the floor!... =)
Nayyy, the spam gets more and more strange every day.
Reminds me of the West Corner of the Park 04-07-1998: "Oh my God!! They spammed Kenny!!! YOU BASTARDS!!!!!" <http://www.graphxpress.com/wcotp.cgi?id=41>
Perl 5.6, at last!
Hooray, my Debian Experience® is now perfect! =)
(And Schedulist still bombs... Ah, I see, the problem is probably in the script, not in the interpreter... =)
chick.com and IIS: There's slow, and then there's slow...
Avoid noding about noding.
(I think that stuff was long enough to be noded separately...)
Other day logs o' mine...
Noded today by y.t.: Dream Log: November 20, 2000 In The Beginning God Hates Fundies Avoid noding about noding
Temporary home.
This is at the core of why I feel so disconnected. Because I have no place of my own. I don't even have an apartment of my own. I have a room in a house in which I plan to stay until April, and then move on.
Transient.
This is fine, in the long run. I don't mind knowing exactly when I'll be moving on to somewhere else. It's actually comforting to know when I have to start looking for a new place.
But in the short term, I'm floating through my routine without any sense of grounding.
I'm still not sad that we sold the house I grew up in. I'm a little startled that it has happened, though, even though I knew it was going to be sold for almost a year now. But just last Friday, it was final. Now my home for 23 years, the home I grew up in, is owned by someone else, and I'm not welcome there anymore.
Another sign of how impersonal life in Western society can become. I'm sure there's some culture in which you're likely to be welcomed back into the home where you were born, even if only to visit. But we sold the house through a realtor to someone we barely have even met, and have no intention of ever meeting again, much less visit.
We watched part of the Spike Lee documentary about the bombings in Birmingham. I think that Spike Lee should stick to the facts. After completely fucking up and distorting the life of Malcolm X in what for some people may be the only exposure they get to the man, I was pretty pessimistic about Lee's future.
I found out about a different way to cook turkey that sounded really good but seems way too expensive after doing a little checking. There was an article in a local freebie magazine that was praising the Southern tradition of deep frying turkey. Since I am an advocate of nearly all things fried, I decided this might be worth a try. Guess what? Ten gallons of peanut oil at a whack is too much for my budget. I know that most people equate studying sociology with a swinging, playboy lifestyle but I will be eating no fried turkey this year. Anyone done this before or even eaten the bird deep fried?
On the bus ride here I tried to give this homeless woman my gloves and she got really upset at me. I understand that maybe a public place isn't the best for giving clothes to people who need them but this woman was so underdressed that I couldn't really stop myself. I've lived in both New York City and San Francisco so I'm not exactly shocked by the idea of homeless people. The clothes that this woman was wearing really fucked with me though. The only shoes she had were slippers covered with duct tape and tied (with plastic bags) to what looked like lumber scraps. Yeah, slippers strapped to pieces of wood. Anyway, the situation has been bothering me all morning. How do you handle these situations? This woman obviously needs some help and isn't getting it. How do you offer help without seeming like some well fed asshole with a little seasonal philanthropy itch to scratch. So frustrating.
Now it is time to navigate through the construction torn streets of downtown Denver in hopes of finding out where to catch the bus.
The movers sucked. They didn't give me twenty-four hours notice, they were clumsy and rude and I had the rather distinct impression that they considered personal hygiene a mere luxury and not at all a neccessity. I am fairly sure they damaged some of my nicer dishes, and I'm guessing my bundt cake pan and chafing dish are irrepably bent. I suppose the adage, "you get what you pay for" is especially true here, these movers were cheaper than other professionals by some four-hundred dollars.
I threw out lots of clothes. Lots and lots of clothes. I discovered some hideously unattractive outfits from the late eighties. In retrospect, my surfer phase seems to have been one big, lamentable fashion faux pas. Entirely too much neon orange and black and rubber sunglasses, ugh. I found my old silk shirts from High School, and suddenly realized that all I needed was a fedora with a big feather and a gold medalion and I could have been Silky the pimp. My wardrobe has subsequently been narrowed down to a few colors: burgundy, black, gray, dark blue and white. I will nearly be dressing in monochrome.
Friday afternoon I went to the optometrist and learned that my former myopia has cleared up (it was only ever mild anyway), however, I am not farsighted and need glasses for reading or staring at a computer screen. I got a cute, inexspensive pair (The frames were under 200 dollars) and arranged for them to be delivered to Denver. I also bought a new pair of shoes and looked at some heavy winter coats.
On friday night, I went to popstarz for snakeboy's birthday party. I was starting to feel a little nostalgic that night and got more than a litle drunk on cheap cosmopolitans. I'm going to miss snakeboy and quite a few other people. It was, by and large, a good night. Good mix of songs, quite a few people I hadn't seen in a long time. I was a little disappointed that Richard and Jay didn't show, but c'est la vie. I was secretly hoping that Angel would appear so I could at least say goodbye, but he didn't and that's that. I took the bus home, which was interesting at 3:30 am. I walked down to Wilshire and La Cienaga in Beverly Hills and stood in the shadow of Larry Flynt's building and stared at the sky. It was a cool and clear night and I could, for once, make out constellations in the heavens.
I kept saturday clear in case one of my prodigal friends like Emanuel or Eli wanted to spend it with me. While I did talk to Emanuel, and he did seem upset with me for moving away (despite the fact that I last saw him over three years ago), he did not mention anything about hanging out. I spent a relatively quiet night at home on saturday, sorting through papers and documents and pictures and just remembering. Found a picture of me and Angel on my 21st birthday outside edokko. Manuel took that picture.
Tonight, I leave Los Angeles. I've been here for 15 1/2 years. It's scary. But I'm also excited and a little relieved. Although I don't agree with Manuel when he says that LA is a city that makes Hell look like a theme park, I don't think it's the city for me.
I've been looking up flights to Jamaica to make myself feel better, but everything was so slow to load, infuriatingly obtuse and uninformative... I need some time off.
I need some Me Time, time to run my hands all over my body and refamiliarise myself with its bumps and curves, a time to fall in love with it again.
A time to go over all the ills and the wrongs and the mistakes and the embrassements and guilt and soothe each one away, rationalise against the bad things and bring the good things to the fore. I need a space in which to rediscover my respect for myself.
Me and myself need a second honeymoon.
Shopping list:
The snow is incredibly beautiful -- it doesn't actually touch the ground (or, rather, it melts without a trace immediately on contact) but instead makes the atmosphere as a whole appear to be shimmering... as if I'm living inside a snowglobe.
Confused.
She doesn't want anything to do with me. It's so rare for me to be interested in someone like this, but certainly not rare for the person I'm interested in to simply not be interseted in me... Kinda like deja vu again and again.
It's funny, really. This always happens. I'm attracted to someone that I could never realistically be with.. I talk to her friend(s). My friend(s) talk to her friend(s). Her friend(s) become attracted to me, because I talk to them - she becomes attracted to my friend(s) becasue they talk to her. So what happens? I end up with her friend, which precludes any interaction with her. She ends up with my friend, which causes animosity toward the both of them. But I still like 'er. It's soooo typical...
Harbor Island, stolen signs, misread signs, undertow... She won't talk to me.
I won't talk to her.
w00t. I'm really beginning to like my job. Kinda...
I've been tasked to fix a computer controlling a
