*brain fell in toilet and I clapped absently again: more proof that GOD is dead, and the search for truth is doomed to fail*
Find the one witty phrase that when inserted into this sentence is guaranteed to offend, but not horrify, everybody. I can't seem to, and this is becoming a problem for me. Yes yes, I realise that there is *very* fine distinction between the horrific and the merely offensive, as detailed by Freud in "Das Chokolaten Fuzzen-Bunnen und Die Trainen Tunnel und Penis Munchen", but let's run with scissors anyway.
I want to all out spank '_____________________' like a crazed rhesus monkey.
Please don't try this with anything as trite as "your mother", "my teacher", or the name of anyfucking everything celebrity. Only creativity will be awarded, and even then only with waves of psychic hate directed at you by my professionally trained coven of wiccan lesbian lemurs with hats. Then you can make a nodeshell of dread power and dark purpose that none shall stand clothed before.
Some ideas I prepared in the microwave earlier (then discounted):
'the Pope's broken bloody corpse'. Nope sorry, it'll get the catlicks every time, but will Buddhists give three previously shat and tastefully arranged lotus petals? Protestants will most likely break into hymns of praise on the spot. Wit factor low.
'a fluffy kitten to death'. Haven't you ever seen kids with pets? Most of them do this anyway, just for fun! Besides which, fails rather dismally on the wit factor, although 'fluffy kitten' was a good start.
'your concrete filled rectal cavity'. Some people will actually like this, I have proof: Rectal Impaction Following Enema with Concrete Mix.
'snow white, with *all* seven dwarves'. Many little people will applaud your kinky creativity and open acceptance of their right to be sexual too.
'a charicature of Mahatma Gandhi tattoed onto a starving russian hooker's ass with a rusty prosthetic hand'. Nah...nobody likes commies, even if they've fully embraced the wonders of capitalism. Besides, the sentence is waaaayyy too long for most attention spans...they'd be scratching their genitals with sheer lust for life before you'd even finished.
'Gerard Depardieu's greased up bloatedly French body, tied to a dead pig with piano wire,'. What can I say? Isn't that what christmas is all about anyway?
Quite obviously, I've given up. After a totally exhaustive search, I believe that there isn't a phrase that will do. Please let this be a lesson in something, perhaps fear of society. You'll notice a distinct lack of dead fetus references..that's because the target is the offensive, not the horrific. Trap for young players right there. Excel, Exceed, Explain!
*plink plink plink plink. Banjo music. Ned Beatty is way sexy.*
moJoe: Your disturbingly lucid childhood memories remind me of when uncle Augustine hand fed me asparagus for the first time. Please return my pants.
davidgentle: Unfortunately your entries cannot be used in our competition, or for promotional purposes, as they are semi-complete sentences in their own right, and as 9 out of 12 people with the 'banjo playing gene' know, you can't always make a sentence by sticking another sentence in it's guts and grinning like herb alpert with a new trumpet clenched between his buttcheeks. The monkey phrases although correctly constructed, failed to move my panel of judges to bleeding tears of laughter. Please come again.