I AM MAD.

I am hurt.

I think that we often expect certain things of our friends - and I think that we should be able to.

Last night was my best friend's twenty-first birthday. It was a really big deal. I was very excited to get to go out to the bars with him... finally. Earlier in the week, we set plans. I told, not one, not two, but three different times that I could not go out with him tonight, because it was his birthday and I wanted him to do what he wanted.

We spoke several times in the last few days. We spoke earlier tonight. "The Plan" was to have him call me between 9:30pm and 10pm and we would figure out driving stuff from there.

8:30pm - Last time that we spoke.
9:00pm - I leave my friend's house to go get ready.
10:00pm - After spending a half hour on my hair, ten minutes on makeup, and twenty minutes getting "the perfect outfit" together, I am ready.
10:15pm - I sit at my desk making a Birthday Card.
10:30pm - I sit in the living room making him a homemade gift.
11:00pm - I finish the gift and start writing him a letter about how special our friendship is to me.
11:30pm - Still no word, I call his room. No answer... I leave a message.
11:45pm - I turn on SNL.
Midnight - A random person who I know pops by and tells me that I "look all ready to go out." I explain how I have been for two hours.
12:15am - My best friend is two hours and fifteen minutes late. Random guy takes me out to the bars.
12:30-1:30am - I try to enjoy myself but am too hurt.
1:30am - I come home and reflect on next year*.

*Next year I am moving away from this area. My "best friend" had previously told me that he does not think he will be visiting me... even if I buy him airline tickets. He does not like people doing things like that for him.

3:00am - I feel sad and worthless.

6:00pm - He Instant Messages me. First, we will ignore the fact that it is 6pm the following day (twenty and a half-hours after we were supposed to get together). He tells me he's sorry; he tells me he was an ass; he tells me he didn't think. I say as little as possible. After a bit of prodding, I say something about how hurt I was. My feelings are left invalidated by his "I don't know what to say" line which is repeated throughout the conversation.

In the end, I let my hurt come out with a passive aggressive question. He logs off, saying "forget it... we'll talk about this after you calm down."

I again feel abandoned in this friendship.

I guess, I am supposed to suck it up and be a "good friend." However, this is one time where I don't think my hurt should magically go poof!, to make him feel better about himself.

I have been around for a little over twenty-seven years and am about to move for the twenty-third time. Or, I think it's the twenty-third time. I may have missed one or two in the count. Most of those times I was following my mother as I grew, but I have moved for love, I have moved for school, I have moved for cheaper rent, and I have moved to run away. I have lived in big houses, little houses, A-frames, trailers, and RVs. The only constant i can find in all of these moves is that ever since the first one there has been at least one cat in my life.

In twenty-six days I will move again. My sparse belongings, and excessive clothes, packed up and rolled away. I have resisted this move. I didn't want to deal. But something in me tells me this is good. That this is something I need to do wheither I want to or not. The new place will be the largest place that was ever mine, and mine entirely. Two bedrooms, a living room and a large kitchen, I can share them, I can keep them all mine, goddess knows I don't really need that much space, but the animals will appreciate it. And I think that in time I will share it with a room-mate, or maybe... a girlfriend? I don't plan on moving again for quite a while. And if the gods have it in their plan I will make this place into a home for me and the ones I love.

I would like a room-mate this time, illumina is the only one I have ever had I wasn't involved with, but I am a peculiar sort who requires a particularly open minded roomie. So, I think I will live alone there until a lover or friend decided they would like to share it with me.

I can't wait to christen it with dee.

It's 18:22 here in Sydney, and it's as dark as midnight. Winter has set in, very wet. Sydneysiders hate the winter, generally, but I revel in it. I love that I have to layer my clothes, I love the snuggliness of being in bed in the rain. I don't mind getting wet, sometimes I think I must be nuts when I'm walking in the rain. My body generates plenty of heat though, so I usually dry off quickly.

I've not daylogged for weeks. Looking for a new job and handing over at the current place, and my various volunteer work (interesting project at ISOC-AU to node when it's ready to run), and this bloody A.I. internet game has had me quite busy. Job? Best option has been a COO position in an influential industry group, for which I'm meeting the board on Thursday night. I've also been doing a little consulting for Acer on how to ship their new servers into the Linux market. I expect the big job to be formalised by the end of the week, so more news later.

Who killed Evan Chan?

Ji,

I meant to say Hi, but whatev's. Right now, Kev is packing up his stuff to take into the Jeep. He and Dara are leaving tomorrow morning for the east coast. He doesn't know where he's going or what he's going to do. As my father put it, "I guess he finally realized he has a girlfriend." As Pablo Diablo from the DenDen put it, "Funny how men are like bees drawn to honey, after one taste." That was corny. Anyway. I know everyone else cried when Kev left, but I'm more into crying for myself. It's not happening for Kev. I don't know what it is. I just don't feel that much emotion about all of this right now. Most of me feels left out of whatever was going on: from the start. The idea that I'm going to feel sorry now that someone who completely dominated my life for so long is gone is ridiculous. A lot of the time with Kev was good. He's a responsible person, an all right roomate; but at some point, he decided I suck, and felt the need to tell everyone that. So I suck, and here are the reasons according to Kev.

1. I am a nerd.
2. I don't party as hard as him.
3. I spend too much time with work, girlfriend, ex-girlfriend.

It's weird. Kevin is my roomate; we're not very much alike. Put the two of us in a room together and you'll quickly learn that he's the life of the party, funny, attractive, cool, and I am quiet, funny but in a weird way, kinda cute, and withdrawn. That's about it. I've had this mold created for me as being this loser who always sold out for his GIRLFRIEND or WORK or anything that could be held against me for not being there to drink with everyone. The truth is, I was around any given weekday, and nobody wanted to hang out with me then. Kev would talk shit about me any chance he got. "Mike's probably sitting at home watching a DVD, what a loser." I got so sick of this--how can this person be a friend? And this has gone on for the last 6 months. Now he's leaving , and I really am glad. To be honest I cannot wait to take his room (which has more light). I would love him to just take the fuck off and leave me alone. I should feel guilty about talking like this about someone whom I've spent so much time with but...he's an asshole!

I'm really pissed he's going...parties are going to totally suck without him.
Bye, Kev.

12:34

Last night noded something about web browsers and stuff. Those are listed in the previous day log.

And folks, if you're depressed, reading the nodes that are linked to from man's inhumanity to man and sins of the world is not going to make you feel better. (The reason for reading about topics like this was that there was discussion in Kuro5hin about the Execution Tapes.)

...IF you're depressed, go read something like this one. That, with cdr (too much Lisp recently) and watching Starship Troopers movie, helped a bit to forget all the grim and brutal stuff I had read about. Movie violence always beats real violence. =)

Yeah, I spent all of my votes yesterday, and no votedumping. =)

Today? Nothing yet. Stuff to come.

17:02

http://www.loc.gov/exhibits/empire/

This stuff is mind-blowing. Mind-blowing. Mind-blowing. Mind-blowing. Did I say this was mind-blowing? Sorry, I meant mind-BLOWING!

=)

---

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: chat room Disturbing Search Requests VideoCD

I have had an excellent weekend. On Saturday afternoon I captained my school's 2nd XI Cricket team in an away match against King Edwards School, Witley.

I lost the toss and was put into bat, we made a unimpressive 112 all out against poor bowling on a slow wicket which was breaking up. When we went out to bowl I was convinced that despite out poor total we could win the match. However after 10 overs our two excellent seem bowlers had failed to take a wicket despite being perilously close on numerous occasions. A change of bowling at both ends resulted in a couple of wickets and then I put a leg spinner on. He charged through the KES batting line up taking 4 wickets from 5 overs giving away only 9 runs. We won by 11 runs.

Then I spent Saturday evening with my girlfriend watching Keeping the Faith on video. It was a funny film and I was pleased to see a young Priest and Rabbi being portrayed as good guys. If only the real world was full of ministers like that.

On Sunday I had planned a surprise for my girlfriend. We were going to a Greek restaurant in Regent's Park Rd (nr. Camden Town) called Lemonia then to the Jazz Café's "Jazz Jam". The restaurant was packed and the food was good, if not as nice as I expected for the price. The real treat was the Jazz Café. The "Jazz Jam" consists of a band called Tomorrow's Warriors who will support any instrumentalist or vocalist that wishes to perform. This means there is an excellent variety of musicians and I loved the session. It only costs £1 to get in and I am definitely planning on going back soon.

To top off this excellent weekend I watched the Matrix again last night, its still good...still good.

Today would be my father's birthday.  I don't think about how old he would be, or how long it's been since I was able to give him a gift.  But I do try to think of him, and each year I remember a little less...

I wish I could have known him better, had more time with him.  Hearing stories from his parents I understand that he played these sports and had those friends and played this prank on his sister and so on.  My mother can tell me things about him and his adult life and his work, maybe what he would be reading.  And I can look at pictures from when I was a kid and see myself with him, doing all sorts of things.

But it's been too long - almost impossible to relive the experiences.  Sometimes I wonder how differently I'd have matured if he were alive then.  What he might have thought of my first apartment, whether he'd have gotten along with my girlfriends, and what advice he'd have given me when I had nobody to ask.

These what-ifs aren't so much depressing, as a thought experiment.  Losing a loved one hurts less and less with time of course.  After it's been the way it is for so many years, it's nice once in awhile to be reminded of the person that lived.

Perhaps later in the day I'll have the chance somewhere to raise a glass, and wish him a happy birthday.  Even if the people around me have no idea what I'm doing.

There is a bar called the Dove which sits smugly between Cambridge Heath train station and Kingsland road. It dispenses Belgian beers rarely seen in the English capital. On draught!

The beers are, by repute, made by taciturn monks in silent abbeys deep in the forested dales of Flanders. Each beer has its own specially shaped glass. The barmaid washed the glass on a nifty counter top glass washing machine. The beer was poured in but froth was a majority component and it had to be refilled several times to meet the half pint measure.

Afterwards, we staggered along a canal bank path past smashed up cars (the detritus of joyriding youth) beneath a dirt dark north london sky. The no.149, a standard issue London doubledecker carried up home.

The quest of the following day was "Discover the hair of the Ring". That meant long black hair to expose only frightul eyes. My gf needed it for her doll. The packed markets of Camden Town were searched but a cheap wig was not to be found

Defeated, we went to the National Gallery near Trafalgar Square and what a feast! Van Gogh sunflowers grew taller in my eyes. Cezanne's articulate use of color and Saurat's dotty dexterity invigorated us. The mythological grandeur of the Renaissance artists, gorier than the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, expressed fear, wonder and beauty with mastery.

Having soaked up artistry we enjoyed Japanese cuisine at a restaurant called Ikkyu in Chinatown. We enjoyed salmon ramen, salmon sushi and gyoka ramen (pork dumplings). All washed down with Kirin beer.

Afterwards we had cheap cocktails at the Oxygen bar on Leicester square (I had a flatliner with far too much tobasco sauce). Back in Wood Green (North London) we had a final drink in Wetherspoons. This place is a pub in the modern style. It serves Tikka Massala as well as toad in the hole. It beers are suprisingly cheap.

This was one drink too many for me and the toilet was a popular destination during the wee hours.

If there is anything that should be in a day log, it's whats going on in the world. So for now on, I'll be keeping the top headlines from around the world here. I've added Panapress news service today, and their headlines are really interesting. Plus China daily is interesting as usual. If there are any sources I'm not using that you recommend, please /msg me.

Without further ado, here is today's top news from around the world:

The BBC's Top Headlines:

• Biggs sent back to jail
  Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs is sent to Belmarsh Prison just hours after arriving back in the UK from 35 years on the run.
• US resumes spy plane flights
  The US carries out its first reconnaissance flight off China since the mid-air collision in April that sparked serious diplomatic tensions.
• UK election zero hour nears
  Tony Blair will use his bank holiday cabinet meeting to tell ministers to "enthuse the electorate", as the UK awaits a general election date.
• Pope visits Golan Heights
  The Pope makes a politically charged visit to a ruined town in the Golan Heights, and leads prayers for an end to hostilities in the region.
• Legal threat over disease culls
  UK foot-and-mouth officials face two legal battles to gain access to a farm and an animal sanctuary whose owners oppose the slaughter.
• Key trial opens in Zimbabwe
  Zimbabwean opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai goes on trial in Harare, accused of encouraging the overthrow of Robert Mugabe's government.
• Koizumi outlines vision for reform
  Japan's new Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi promises parliament deep structural reform to boost the country's ailing economy.
• Riot halts Bosnia mosque building
  Riots by Serb nationalists force the abandonment of a ceremony to mark the rebuilding of a mosque in Banja Luka.
• Liberia sanctions take effect
  UN sanctions against Liberia come into force, in a drive to cut off support for rebels in neighbouring Sierra Leone.
• Leaking Nigerian oil well capped
  Royal Dutch Shell says engineers have capped a broken well that has been pouring out oil and gas in Nigeria's Ogoni region.
• US bullish on 'Star Wars'
  The Bush administration defends the missile defence system, expressing confidence that its allies will support the proposal.
• Philippines scales down army presence
  Troops return to base after the government lifts the state of rebellion imposed following violence on the streets of Manila last week.
• 'Civilians killed' as army sweeps Aceh
  At least seven people are reported dead in the Indonesian province of Aceh as government troops hunt rebels.
• Macedonia 'on brink of abyss'
  NATO chief Lord Robertson warns of a Balkan bloodbath as the main ethnic Albanian party threatens to leave the government.
• Nuclear sub leaves Gibraltar
  To the relief of environmentalists, a British nuclear submarine finally leaves Gibraltar after docking there for repairs almost a year ago.
• Israeli attack 'kills baby girl'
  A Palestinian baby is reported killed in the Gaza Strip after Israel's rejection of US ideas to end months of violence, reports say.
• One dead in Iran stadium collapse
  The authorities in Iran confirm that one person died in Sunday's football stadium disaster.
• Religious violence spreads in Sri Lanka
  Muslim protesters burn shops in north-east Sri Lanka as the main Muslim party says government must stamp out anti-Muslim violence
• Bollywood star in custody
  Fardeen Khan, rising star of India's Bollywood film scene, is remanded in custody by a court after being arrested for possessing cocaine.

The New York Times' Top Headlines

• Pope Prays for Peace at City Destroyed by Israel
  Pope John Paul II prayed for peace at the Golan Heights today in a city that was captured by Israel in the Arab-Israeli war in 1967 and destroyed just before being returned in 1974.
• Most Cities in U.S. Expanded Rapidly Over Last Decade
  Census