I hope your presentation is going well. It makes me feel bad thinking about how much work you are putting into your classes. There's only a week left of it - after today, only four days. Take heart.
I will be skipping out on work soon to come see you... three whole days, gone. It will be a relief from the stress I have to put up with every day, but more importantly, it will be time to see you. It's, what, ten days? Nine days? I can hardly contain myself. I wish the days would run right by.
When will I feel at home here again? Relaxed again? I had it once, not too long ago, like I fit. That was a good feeling. I didn't think much of it at the time, but now I know what I've lost. I want to regain that. I feel like I do fit when I'm with you, and that helps me get through the day.
Oh to get off the plane right now and to see your smiling face. Oh to have it now and make it last forever.
It ended all too quickly. Now she's gone. We didn't even get to have a decent goodbye.
Sure, we may see each other again, but there is a very slim chance. I'm not going to hold my breath. This experience has taught me that holding out hope regardless of the facts gets you nowhere. It's just something you have to accept. You have to face reality.
As one chapter of your life ends, one season draws to a close, another begins. As long as it isn't an epilogue, you still have time to make something of it.
But I'm not going to. Not yet, anyhow. For now, I think I'm just going to have to zone out. See what course things take without me pulling the strings. Someone else can be the puppet master for now. I just need a short rest.
I do have other things to keep me occupied though. My computer is upgraded, and I have new DVDs (Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back and Parasite Eve), not to mention my summer looks like it won't be too frustrating.
The way things look right now, my life has a steady course straight into December. I just have to exist.
So what little twist is about to present itself to complicate things?
Well I can tell you I really hate writing today. Ok that statement is a little strong but I feel like I have CPS or RSI for generalists. I spent time writing up a paper which incorporated abook revievw that I wrote and unfortunately said that I was going to [node.
People were curious as to the brevity of my day nodes. This is maybe a lack of adequate desire to reflect after a day of reflecting like a mirror also to my extremely hectic life (which limits time noding).
I have really tried to think of a few things that could help.
Good news. I have made some scans of the Journals of the Lewis and Clark Expedition and will work on putting them up.
Specifically, they concern the initial journey from the Vermillion River and are of great interest. This of course was after speaking to jaubertmoniker as one of the editors and asking if this was acceptable and of proper content and formatting.
Bad news is that basically the fact is that I really do have this lazy streak a mile long and in fact I have a bad habbit of putting things off. So I will probably be doing most of this work one entry at a time.
Weighing this as a matter of principle of increasing the utility of this database is something that I feel is important and necessary.
Also recently I have started to read a great deal of information about the Balkans and have been impressed at the whole lack of attention and near levels of incredulity that most people had for our involvement in places like Serbia.
I also have been listening to a book on tape of The Fires of Heaven by Robert Jordan. Now I really hate to have to do this but unfortunately I am getting bogged down in the details of his work, this prevents me from focousing in on the real message which can be interesting. Therefore tapes are the area of choice and the item of chance for this endeavour.
I also have found something really nice a bit of epic Serbian poetry. The Battle of Kosovo is a really nice piece of work and illustrates the problems that the Balkan area has had in their mythology as a perceived wounded person who made a "morally correct choice" about whether to have either an earthly kingdom or a heavenly kingdom. The hero Tsar Lazar basically accepts the heavenly kingdom and with it loss of the battle to the Turks. In the minds of Serbians this makes the ultimately correct choice against people who were his destiny.
I think this meets the expectation that it isn't copyrighted since it was oral tradition and concerns events in July 29, 1389.
Also I have been reading about Art of the Third Reich, dracula, Transylvania, the history of Romania, and Hitler's war aims.
So E2 I think I have spilled my guts about my day and my schemes as much as my hands can take it for now. I bid you adeu for a while.
The sun was gently setting upon the horizon, casting pleasing rays of subdued colors across the barn, and the sweet scent of apple butter permeated the crisp evening air... Then Uncle Jeb got shit drunk and danced naked around the fire again.
Another lonely, sedate night at work.
My vertigo is coming back in slight waves, so I've been taking Klonopin and Antivert to combat it, hence tonight being "sedate."
I'm leisurely eating my way through a package of almond M&M's, and I can't help but wonder why M&M/Mars Incorporated would think that anyone would make such a big deal about something so banal as choosing a new colour to include in future packages of M&M's. I don't mind living in America, but damnit, I get so sick of this mass consumerism shit sometimes. My mind boggles that the average American watches four hours of television each day. Doesn't the average American have anything better, or at least more productive, to do? Apparently not, eh?
While on the subject (?) of ranting, I'm awfully sick of xmms and its little quirks, like not processing playlists correctly. For the past two years, I've been eagerly awaiting the release of Sonique for Linux.
Sarah McLachlan's cover of XTC's Dear God is, for lack of a better phrase, wicked pissah. That's how much I like it -- I can say wicked pissah without a hint of melancholy since I lived in Boston for a summer a few years ago and hated every minute of it -- yet I use Boston English to describe something that's really good. Hmm. Perhaps I've had too much Klonopin this evening.
I'm including this bit because I, and I alone, care to do so: this is my one hundredth writeup. Yeah!
The train was very crowded (as usual), I mean really crowded, people all pushed up against one another, trying not to breathe on anybody. We stop at a station called Nishiharu and amongst the ten or so people that are trying to squeeze onto the already over capacity train is this guy, maybe 35 years old. Everyone is quietly trying to readjust their position and this guy bumps up against a woman, maybe 21 years old. His bow of apology is almost inperceivable, her silent, non looking bow in response just as tiny. If you didn't know what you were looking at you would attribute their head movements to inertia.
It's nothing big or profound, just two automatic responses from strangers on a train, but I caught a glimpse of it, and it's utter normalness made me smile within.
......and so on.
It's just so me!
The ice will break on the Santa Cruz river sometime this week. That means that the temperature in Tucson will beak 100º F for the first time this year. What I love most about this big bad city are escapes into the desert to let the heat of day wax red. A banded gecko lay stretched on a warm rock beneath a mesquite as dry breezes rained motes of yellow flowers on him and somehow that makes it seem cooler.
Returning Dad's phone call I accidentally told her I had called for Mother's Day. Coldness and fear grew in the pit of my stomach as dirty gray clouds piled. Memories streaked like dry lightning across the bottom edges of their torn curtains. I love you .... I love you too, she replied.
As a mother I waited for a long time to feel the same violent rage for my sons that she had acted out upon her children and grandchildren; it never came. Only anger and brittle silence when I finally understood. There was a detachment in relations, after all if not me who else would protect my children ?
On the back of the light switch plate cover I wrote Mother's Day 2002, collected on the IOU smoochies a few times from Number Two Son, then around nine PM my heart was breaking so I went to bed early to listen to it happen. In bittersweet silence the Panic Monster arrived.
The only hope of ever being loved the way you want to be loved comes from a mother. This is one of the hard truths of my existence. I have emerged from a dark forest of childhood as a hero.
Devotion
It was a month and a day ago that I joined the e2 community. Lets say, its been a wild ride. At first, I doubted that I would continue to "play this little game" longer than a week. I soon discovered that it isn't a game, rather its my duty to contribute to the enormous database, known as e2. I know have 45 write-ups, and I feel that I am doing my part. Although, at first several of my write-ups were "Xed" (a.k.a. sent to Node Heaven), I was not discouraged. I also found out that posting lyrics is not the best way to earn xp. When I hit 25 (writeups) my so-called "power-trip" begun. I was just happy to have 10 votes a day to down vote the people who were still at level 1. I soon realized that, I HATED it when I was down voted and it is very discouraging, especially when you have little or no experience. Anyways, I started to use my votes for the better, improving the way e2 prioritizes its better write-ups. Of everything, I would have to say the best thing about e2 is getting one of your write-ups on the "Cool" list. So far, I have four C!'s. That is all of my $0.02.
I apologize for any of the words that I just happened to make up.
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