I took my son to traffic court today (100 MPH in a 55 zone).
The first 15 defendants got off "not guilty" for lack of the police officer's presence in the courtroom.
The next 3 got probation before verdict. Mine got his ticket reduced to 65 MPH, 2 points, and a big fine.
according to the judge ...
According to Mom; he won't be driving for a while.
I keep thinking it is Friday. I know it is Thursday, I really do, but I spoke on the phone today saying I was staying late at work because the theatre space is being used to show our favourite kidnap target, Russell Crowe's film Gladiator. But that is tomorrow. *sigh*
One of my workmates is sick as a dog. He had asthma, a common thing in Australia. He took a day off work, after being hospitalised, and then came back the next day. Half way through the day, he is coughing like the world is about to end, and goes home after lunch. Then back in to hospital. Then to the critical care unit. With pneumonia. WHAT? Pneumonia? Didn't they pick that up when he came in two days previously?????
Richard Davies, get better soon - your work is of such value we cannot express it in normal terms
I am being re-visited by the spectre of my previous employer (see here) - no matter how well exorcised I think I am, life is conspiring to bring it back up. This time, the lawyers of the company I work for now are asking how to fix the problems with my former employer, because the paperwork hasn't been done. It is well and truly finished, but I really don't want to have to talk to them again. It's bad enough seeing them in the cafe every day - I find it amusing they still can't look me in the eye.
Other than that, I still haven't heard from simonc about The Great Sydney Fraptabulous Everythingian Get Together - and for those inquisitive types, it is a piss take of the absurdly long titles for other local area meetings of Everythingians. Get hold of me soon, simonc!
I read about the shit fight with DMan - I am definitely NOT hard linking to his home node - he doesn't deserve any more of our precious time - Good riddance to bad rubbish.
I spoke to one of my high school friends - Barry - and found out he got his CCNA - WELL DONE BAZ! - I personally am studying for it now (I have been using Cisco equipment for over 3 years constantly now, I can do it with my eyes shut, but I still need to solidify all my knowledge) and hope to get it by July. Uni holidays for sure.
Found out I'll never have money again...
Perhaps I should whore my self out and become a stripper or a Hooter's girl. But I think Jason values me too much to ever let me do that. Knowing him, he'd pay off my bills to stop me...And I can't let him do that...
Not that there is anything wrong with being in the sex industry... But it's not me... I value my brains too much, I don't spend hours in the lab pondering over Hexane and Benzo-18-6 molecules, to take of my dress and give drunk, old men cheap treats at the end of the day.
But I digress...
So... I am broke... Car - less.... And due to lack of money -- in severe nicotine withdrawal...
Oh, and my roommate is a nut-case bitch... But that's a whole different node...
But non of my problems matter this morning, because my Jason is not happy... He is strong, he is optimistic, he is the one that holds my head down when I am coughing up my lungs, he is the one that holds me when I wake up crying... He is the one that hides the razor when he knows I am just upset enough to cut myself to make the pain in my mind go away.
Seeing him sad crushes me...
He is so wonderful, kind, funny...
Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve him...
I never loved anyone like I love him... I cheated on every single guy I've dated... I know I said before I didn't about a few cause it's not a proud thing to admit... But I did... But with Jason... I could never want anyone as long as he loves me... He is like an angel. When we make love, we make love.... And only in his embrace to I truly understand the meaning of the word. He is the best lover I ever had, and probably ever will, everyone else... They seem like a bad dream... He is my hero, my sanity, my knight in shiny armor and a black Accura...
And he is sad... I know I am borderline of committing a mortal sin -- I am aware I idolize our love. But he is worthy of it, even when I think I am not...
To me, seeing him sad is up there, almost like seeing my mother cry...
I don't know what to do, he is sad because other when me and him, his life is not being very nice to him, I am not going to get into details, they are not mine to share, but I just always thought great people like that should get better... And tonight he was sadder than I ever seen him... And even depressed, he is still kind, he doesn't do what I do, he doesn't fight, yell, cry, cut, throw things, he is still my noble Jason...
He is calm...
He worries more that I will get sleep, than that he will be OK. I don't know what to do... I don't know what to offer someone who has done so much for me... I don't know how to make him happy, I want to take all his pain away, and I want those beautiful eyes to loose their dark shadow . I want him to smile...
But I can't fix the world, all I can do is offer him myself, all of me, my heart, my soul, my unconditional love, knowing that I will be there no matter what.
But a part of me always fears that it's not enough...
Only the new node home has been far kinder to it. ...and the Nuke Request is gone, the node and writeup still standing.
Are the editors trying to tell me that this old node is destined to stay , taunting me?Oh, screw it, I have better things to do with life.
...and yet I am not prepared to shoot my mindfuck through the head, to end it's miniscule tirade through my psyche. So life goes on, things get voted up and down. Suddenly, I visualize all those little XP and vote rep and C! values on all nodes to be like rod controls on a nuclear reactor. If a node becomes too popular or sad then E2 gets blown to kingdom come, a vertiable Chernobyl, if you will.
...and then I strap a few extra clothes to my naked psyche and vow never to be an exhibitionist of the soul in front of myself for another year.
May this node blow along with all the rest of beautiful shiny garbage on the heavanly brothel of E2
[ Dream Log ]
Good afternoon...
The Morning After The Release Of Vocodotor, the quick and dirty Ogg Vorbis comment editor. (Yeah, it was released. Yes, it probably kills a lot of people.) My mailbox isn't full of comments from people asking how to turn that thing on. It's a good sign. Some people didn't like the UI too much. =(
Stuff that has happened over time... Well, not much. Apart of the release.
Time to face the challenges of the day.
You know... ISP's DNS servers seemed to be down. My whole day rhythm went strange. You Know You're An Net Addict When...
Well, acutally, it wasn't that bad... I spent time today trying to write my Programming Environment stuff. It wasn't that easy to explain all that stuff about make and like.
<RANT>
Praise Bill, his leadership unquestioned!
Story so far:
Oh, and you're not gonna believe this error message:
nighthowl:~$ man display gzip: stdout: No space left on device
At first glance, this looks awful lot like "/dev/null full", but this was caused by full root partition... =) Nuked some stuff from /tmp and it worked again.
</RANT>
Other day logs o' mine...
Noded recently by y.t.: quotation marks Cyber Patrol PORNsweeper Useless Use of Cat
Today's new nodifications: Empire Dream Log: March 8, 2001 SANE Tk
Updated: Aureal
butterflies you know where not the kind to get a rise there, this... it's just a kind of dare
I got hooked up by my friend not long before thumbs-up roughly eight minutes till the end
tunnel vision focus on the coil, the slack of rope that is my mission soft landing, I hope
That's another story.
North of France, spring 2000
Got to work a bit early this morning. Brought a can of pre-made food to eat for lunch, made myself some hot cocoa, and prepare to settle in for another wonderful day of work.
People have been noticing lately that I'm not myself. Everyone is like "Are you okay?" and "You seem down. You're not as chipper as usual." I'm not telling them what's wrong, because I don't really want to talk about it. What's to talk about? I'm lonely. I've lived in this city for a year, and I know nobody outside of work. Telling people this would clue them in that I'm pathetic. I don't need that.
I'm going to ask the girl from Blockbuster if she wants to go out for coffee. I was going nuts trying to figure out a nice place to take someone just to get to know them, without putting any pressure on them. Going to a movie is definitely out of the question. Too intimate. Dinner is out, because I don't know her at all, and dinner is something you do when you are familiar with someone.
So it just popped into my head. Coffee at Barnes and Noble. Sounds good.
Lunch Log: Chef Boyardee Mini Ravioli w/Meatballs.
My spirituality is changing again - although into what form now I don't know - and I'm going to continue with the yoga and pilates cause they are very calming and soothing. I want to get some books out and practice a little, at least the yoga, on my own, it is very interesting to me. I love the feeling of enjoying my body, for the first time in my life. I have never really lived in my body like this before. Integration rules! I am always there, in it. And I am feeling so many new nuances of things, all the time. It's a little less intense this month (thank God) and more bearable. But that's probably because all my human interactions have been less intense. No big fights or confrontations or deep intimacy with anyone tends to make things easy, you know? But I can use the practice, practice of just experiencing life as one whole person. It's hard! How do you normals do it? I'm so used to being a mutant I can't believe people grow up and live like this every single day. What a great week. I'm going to try and do this every week - my whole outlook on life is so good. Yoga on Monday, Spinning on Tuesday, Belly Dancing on Wednesday. Today I will just walk the dog a bit (please don't be so cold today!)
12:23 PM
My stomach isn't so much rumbling as feeling like a rather large gaping hole, begging to be filled by sugary snacks and other junk food. It almost makes me feel ill, in a general malaise kind of way.
My thoughts go out to those who genuinely don't have enough to eat. Why do I feel so bad? It's not as if I skipped breakfast, or haven't eaten a meal in the last twenty four hours? It's not even as if I'm some skinny heroin chic waif with no fat on my body to convert into energy. I've put on quite a bit of weight recently, and really haven't done anything about trying to get rid of it other than being unable to buy snacks at work and cycling due to our recent move to new premises.
I find it harder to concentrate, the clock slowly ticking past.
12:28 PM
I get to go home at 1, for an hour. I'll cycle back and bung something in the microwave. But that's half an hour away. The wind blows about outside, trying desperately to find something to howl from. I get this feeling occasionally... usually quickly solved by diving into the cupboards in the kitchen to grab some chocolate, making the emptyness fill and the annoyance go away. I'm no newcomer to this sensation... one memory of it is lying back in bed at Menai, with the rest of my classmates doing various fun activities, feeling incredibly low and tired. I was woken from my passive staring by the headmaster, asking whether I wanted to go down to lunch. I agreed, feeling much better once my aching stomach had been sated.
12:38 PM
I become fidgetty, trying to find ways of passing the time.. then the boss returns, meaning I have to try to concentrate hard on work... I can't.
Well, isn't this cute.
My day, begining yesterday at about 3 PM became much, much more interesting, and it's continuing today. My Day Job appears to now be the victim of some attacking script-kiddies from Indonesia. So, consequentially, I didn't get to sleep much last night. The funny thing is that, that since they are extra-territorial, we ain't got a legal recourse. It's like they're saying 'shove it up your rich American Asses'. That hurts, considering that I'm Canadian.
I've been listening to 'Don't Fear the Reaper' on perpetual loop -- 3 versions of it: the Blue Oyster Cult original, the 'live' version and the stellar Apollo 440 cover. A point of order here is, never listen to that song for more then 4 hours at a time. I will, infact, warp you. In a good way, but still...
<Location '/'> Order Allow,Deny Allow from All Deny from *.id </Location>
This is how it was for me yesterday...I came home after school and slept for hours because I had nothing better to do. I had wonderful, exciting, and scary dreams. It disturbed me when I was interrupted, various times because of the phone and then for dinner. I did not want to wake up, because reality is so much more mundane and boring than surreality. In reality I had nothing to do, I was grounded, alone and bored. In my dreams, I was running, evading murderers, kicking my ex's ex's ass, and eating pineapples. This is why I never sleep, it sucks to get up.
It also sucks not having a car. I feel so dependent on others, which I hate. I was going to go over to my ex's house, but since I couldn't drive over there, and he didn't want to pick me up, it didn't happen. Maybe it's for the best, although we are actually becoming genuine friends again, which is nice. He talks to me about his problems instead of hiding them from me. And I tell him about mine now, mostly because he is no longer my biggest problem. He told me about how his ex is sending him mixed messages and he doesn't know if he wants to get back together with her because he might need to be alone for once and he might be able to do better. I don't care if he does get back together with her, but I hate how she is so jealous of me that she won't allow him to have any kind of relationship with me and/or gets mad whenever she hears that he has talked to me. So I guess me and him will have to have a secret relationship, again.
I got an e-mail last night from someone that I dated a while ago but kind of ended with on bad terms. He asked me how I was doing and said he really missed me, which was nice. I don't know what he wants, I don't see us dating again, but it's nice when people from my past take the time to miss and think about me. I do it all the time, but I usually never tell anyone.
Two pills against infections, one against swelling, no painkillers this morning. Oddly enough, it's exactly twenty-four hours since we went to the doctor's.
::wacky tv-show timewarp thing::
A mask of pure oxygen (which smells like a cold chemistry laboratory) A distant voice tells me I'd be out in thirty seconds, things look double and fuzzy... I respond, "I'm no lightweight, you havetabringsommm..."
Waking up from surgery always feels a lot like bungee jumping, where movment is darkness and rest is consciousness. The periods of consciousness grow longer, still I struggle with the darkness as if it were some sort of five-acre leaden blanket. As general consciousness increases, so does that of the two blood-soaked gauze pads in my cheeks. I focus... must ignore them somehow or I will throw up. Looking at the ceiling, I focus my attention away from them. On the way out I snag my teeth from the table (in a zip-loc bag, of course) - might come in handy during a photography project. Guided by a dis-approving nurse, I exit through a side-door to get to the car. Fully putting the seat back, we pick up my four prescriptions at Bruno's before getting home.
Aside from some tired iRCing, things stay boring. I fall asleep on the couch and wake sometime when it's dark. Jumping up, I switch my soaked gauze pads in the kitchen and go to the bathroom. Feeling dizzy... yellow stars, my skin grows colder... more stars, I feel sick, from the blood, from the drugs. I zip up and bounce against the bathroom walls before barging out the door and lying down on the sofa again. Ten minutes later I'm fine. I get some soup and watch Princess Monokoke with Alexander before passing out.
I'm 28 years old today. Yipee. But it feels like any other day. I think the novelty of birthdays have worn off (finally).
I got a brand spanking new squash racquet from my colleague, Evgenia. We played a game (actually, it was just rallying) at midday. A lot of fun indeed! My first time ever that I've played. I sometimes mistaken the squash ball for a tennis ball expecting it to bounce more than it does.
I miss my Love! If any birthday present is adequate, it'd be her coming down to see me just to give me a big hug and kiss.
Car troubles again. The check engine light is on and everyone says it's the fuel cap. Weird.
On the contrary it was a ticket that I received in October after I was leaving your, beautiful....historic, however fucked up state. Fascists! I paid it late, and one group of commies got together with my state's commies and they decided I couldn't have my wings anymore. Since February...thanks so much for dropping me a note, guys. So my plans have been delayed.
I get that beautiful piece of plastic back tomorrow morning, and then perhaps I'll ask for a coupla days more off. I want Snow, goddamnit.
BUT at least my car will finally say 'JUN' instead of 'FEB', 'cause you see Florida is the only state I know of whose registry decals tell the birthday month of the person who owns the car. It's great, I keep myself awake driving I-4 by going, "Hey. It says 'AUG'. Now is that a leo or a virgo? Navy blue...that's Virgo....but it's a Lexus, that screams LEO..." Fun game. Gets me throught the traffic near Disney. RAT BASTARDS!...literally.
