The next morning she asked if I would call and I said "You gave me your number 2 months ago. I haven't called you since then. I would not expect much from me..." Still this did not seem to ring any bells. Perhaps it was because I looked "adorable" when I said it, according to her. Well, fuck you then. Maybe if you paid attention you wouldn't end up getting hurt.
Unfortunately, due to my nature, she will continue to annoy me until I say something cutting and immature.
If I prove that markup by PPM is a strict subset of markup by HMM and write code to do the translation then comparing them becomes much easier, since we can run the two systems using the same engine on the same problem with the same settings.
"The unofficial bits that we heard from the security guy is that the spill was likely ethylene glycol (i.e. antifreeze. I assume it came from the air conditioning). He thought that they wouldn't be reopening the building until late tonight (maybe 10pm), but that it would certainly be open in the morning. More on this story as it develops..."
More on this story as it develops..."
What's sad is that this disaster (haha) didn't happen until 3 pm, leading us to get off at 4 pm. It would have been nice for this to have been a morning spill.
For about a week I've been reading The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath. You know a book is truly worth reading when it makes you question your own sanity. What this book has done to me is beyond words. I can relate to the character in several ways. Hopefully I won't have a mental breakdown any time soon.
On a lighter note, I went to see Moulin Rouge today, and it was every bit as good as I thought it would be. The music was excellent, the acting amazing, and the cinematography breathtaking. Definately something I'll be adding to my home collection.
School is almost out. Hooray. My summer will be busy, but the deadlines and stress associated with school will be gone. I'll be stuffing envelopes at my dad's office and doing my AP Language summer reading (which includes of Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer and Washington Square by Henry James).
Right now, though, it's time to study for final exams. Just three more days... three more days.
I stood there, almost at the top of the stairs and the other patrons just stared, one girl actually dropped her jaw. The coffee was all in my hair and sprayed all over my best jacket. I was frozen but suddenly someone put a wad of napkins in my hand.
"Thanks" I said
"I'm okay, really"
Then quickly cleaned up and ran to the washroom.
I was so disoriented. My boyfriend screamed at me so much this weekend that he lost his voice. We have been together for five years.
This weekend I learned that you shouldn't ask questions to which you do not want answers. I noticed that he had the home and work number of a girl that he used to have a crush on. She knew it and took advantage of his niceness by getting him to drive her everywhere even when it was way out of the way. My friends called her the school "whore" because she was stringing quite a few along like this... getting them to do her assignments while she massaged them etc. So, I asked my boyfriend "why are you staying in contact with her?" And he said "Because, if you die, I want to have someone around. I don't want to be alone."
Instantly, my mind shot to my father, who died of Skin Cancer when I was a child and how my mother never remarried. Conversely, boyfriend was planning a backup before I was even sick! I was so disturbed, I started crying and being irrational.
At this time we were at one of his car meets with his friends waiting for the rain to stop. One of his friends would come to the car and my boyfriend would open the window, stop yelling and start speaking in his nicest voice. Then, he would close the window again and start yelling at the top of his lungs.
"Please, let's go, we need to talk about this!" I entreated.
"Why pass up a free meet?" he asked. He just left the car while I was sobbing. This was a show, so people kept coming by to check out his car, to be shocked by me crying violently in the passenger seat.
"She is too cold" was what he told his friends.
On the ride home, things escalated. He was screaming so loudly. At one point we were on the shoulder of a 6 lane highway with him threatening to jump into traffic. Later he says "sorry" and that "I am just weird" and "it won't happen again" but I have heard it all before. He wants me to help him through this and I want to. This is him at his worst, but 80% of the time he is the sweetest, kindest guy alive.
Dave woke me up today at noon, (after I had only slept 3 hours).It seems Dave had talked to his wife the night before, (they are separated).
Now Dave and his wife are just two people that do not belong together Dave tries and tries to make things work with her. But it is just never going to work because they are just to different.
Michelle is Daves wife. She doesn't really want a divorce even though she is totally unhappy with Dave. Her thing is that she is scared to be alone. Now Michelle had never had a boyfriend before Dave, so I don't think she really understands what a loving relationship should be like.
Debbie is Daves ex-girlfriend. (Not to mention the older sister of Mindy, but that is another story). Debbie is the one Dave should truly be with. I am not going to expand on Debbie at this point until I see what happens in the future.
Dave and I talk for a long while about his whole situation. We compare his wife and Debbie. Then on the way home he drops the bomb. "I have never told anybody this before but, having sex with Michelle is like fucking my sister." I respond with, "So what your saying is that sleeping with Michelle is like jacking off, only nastier? That seems to have struck a chord with him. We talk a little more and it turns out that he isn't attracted to Michelle at all, (and he never was). Michelle was just a girl he got drunk and slept with, that somehow escalated into a marriage.
I do my best to explain to Dave that the reason things are not working is that he is missing two of the crucial elements needed to make any relationship work. Friendship and sexual attraction. Without those it is never going to work. Dave actually understood me this time.
So Dave is going to go through with his divorce. I really believe it is for the best. He is young. His wife is young. they have a chance to actually be happy, (just not with each other).
Today I did not do much. I woke up around noon. Puttered around, surfing the net and trying to figure out songs for a few hours. Took my morning shower at 3pm and then napped again at 5. Woke up at 7 or so, am now puttering around until I go to sleep at about 3 or 4am.
I have examined my situation, and I have come to the conclusion that I am still in a depressed or self-loathing mindset. I thought that I had gotten over it, but now that I am not in school, I've been idle and I have allowed myself to slip back into it. The difference is that now this time I am not screaming of attention. I am not inflicting it upon my friends. You might say that this is not true, that I am whining about it here. Actually, I enjoy the sort of "sanctuary" status that day logs have and I am using mine as an online personal journal. No one knows my username, or that I'm even here. The only interaction I get from my writings is a little number besides each of them and soft-links.
As I mentioned, I'm not rubbing others in my situation. I have quitely cut most contact with friends and in fact I am a little saddened that no one has really noticed. But all that shows is that I have not forged any strong relationships. It's a shortcoming on my part.
Damnit. I should be looking at the big picture. I'm a good person. I'm 19 years old. I have a free ride to college. I've been told I'm cute. I have my own car. What am I worried about? Sure. All the things I just said were pretty shallow, but.. I think what matters is that I have lots of possibilities in front of me, and I feel that I am squandering them. Guess I should get off my ass and do it..
Schedule:
9AM: Girlfriend calls. Apparently she was worried i would die driving home last night. I blame this on the flu and T.G.I. Friday's. They have crappy food. After she hung up, i lapsed back into sleep several times.
1PM: Finially rolled out of bed. I had that sore feeling that you get after too much sleep. i'm getting more and more worried that my asscheeks will become lopsided if i don't rotate in my sleep.
2PM: Breakfast consists of generic frosted mini-wheats and a Camel light. The coffee was so bad I just dumped it in the sink.
2:30PM: Mother calls from Cafe Luna. Our Oldsmobile blew an internal gasket and won't be driveable for a week. I drove to Luna to pick up mother and grandmother for our family photo session. Mike (photographer) was nice, though i think a bit too friendly twards my grandma.
3PM: Showered for the second time. Left for work.
4-8PM: Tech support for NetNet is becoming tedious. I no longer feel the drive to help the customer, just the desire to get off the phone as fast as possible.
5:30PM: Harbored homicidal feelings for Tina. They went away after i squeezed the stress ball for a minute.
8:30-midnight: A coffee drinking/cigarette smoking marathon at Cafe Espresso. The urination after 8 cups of regular columbian is close to orgasmic.
1AM-3AM: Recieved a good crash course in noding from Mitch and Apatrix. Is it me or does my asshole look bigger now?
projected: 5AM: bedtime.
Hello.
Spent a weekend in Kuhmo.
Yesterday, in work net was down (changing distributions on a rather tricky place), and in home, I replaced Leafnode with Noffle, played with iptables (okay, so I did it: firewalled myself out from the net, allowed everyone else to access my stuff... Well, it was bound to happen =) and created my first custom chain, got the iptables logging working with that...
...and stuff like that.
More to come, as soon as I wake up properly.
(Oh yeah, I watched Star Wreck episodes 4˝ and 5 and the trailer for 6 yesterday. Funniest thing that happened to me this week...)
That's it... spent 5 minutes writing a slashdot comment, Mozilla (0.7) crashed and I wrote a better comment in a minute.
Gee, is my life really boring or what? =(
The positive side: I got paid for the past half month... No need to be Hungry!
Damn, Noffle's article download is FAST! ("sucks" in the positive sense of the word)
Hooray! Printer works! I spent some interesting moments with cdlabelgen, and burned all MP3s I have got from Napster to the CD. (Yes, one CD was enough. Looks like some of the files were corrupt or something. Also, I'm probably too "honest". =)
Woohoo! I found one DVD web shop that had just what I was looking for... I will comment more when (if!) the stuff arrives.
Other day logs o' mine...
Late news: Liisa DBI
Noded today by y.t.: Noffle XCOPY Mad Dog
Updated: BattleMech BattleTech
I also talked about how I felt it was important that two people have their separate lives, apart from the life they have togehter. How falling in love doesn't have to be a bolt of lighting. It can be like the gradual swell of a wave, slowly building up before at long last it crashes.
I admitted that I hadn't said "I love you" because in my heart I knew that saying goodbye to him would be so much harder if I did.
Of course, just because I don't say it...
This should definately make the week more eventful than planned. *sigh* What I wouldn't give for a normal love life.
A Very Merry Birthday to eclip5e
I want to be able to comfort my aunt Angel, who's going to die because her hepatitis C cannot be treated. Or something like that. I don't claim to know what's going on with her. She's been taking these herbal body cleansing] things that make her feel excellent, apparently. I wanted to tell her, "Angel, look. I know you can't get that new wonder drug test list thingie - but you've got to fight now. Being a stick in the mud, and giving up will allow the disease to run rampant. Well, you've got to fight. I'll help in whatever capacity I can. We're all going to fight."
I think what I want to do is sit down with everyone - being my mother, her boyfriend, my daughter (who's just a baby, but still. Want her there for emotional support; those who have kids know what I'm talking about), daughter's mother, aunt, and uncle. I want to tell them all my thoughts. I want to tell them that I'm phenomenally sick of this pansy-ass run-about shit I see them doing. They aren't being as active about them helping themselves as they should.
I'll explain in short, as best I can. Angel has Hep C. It's in its dangerous stages, in which it becomes very, very dangerous. She's in what doctors say is the six-months-left-to-live zone. But I don't believe that. My mother had kidney cancer, but it was removed in its primary stages, and thus, even though it has a high probability of returning, she has a pretty decent chance of it not returning. She is also bipolar (like Angel and myself), which does nothing to help things. Anyway, mom's been getting these migraine headaches and hallucinations (which are not funny. There is nothing funny about seeing a cat jump across you that you know isn't there), and she's been showing signs of both psychopathic behaviour and schizophrenia. Now, I know that both these situations are rather dire. I know that it can happen that a time comes in which it becomes impossible to help or change the course of an ailment. But at the same time, I think, I'm going to make a difference.
And honestly, I'd like to be able to chalk it all up and blame it on the lifestyles they had, coming from a family in which there was major, harsh sexual abuse, causing the bipolar disorder and various issues with the female reproductive system. The hepatitis can be chalked up to drug use, perhaps, or blood transfusions. But it seems that she just "got" it, which seems rather unlikely.
I'd like to be able to blame those things. I can't. I can't blame anyone, which in fact creates a bizarre peace within me. I've researched and researched these things, but my researching skills are lacking, admittedly. I'm a bright guy, but my reading comprehension and other suchlike things are lacking. I refuse to believe, that in both these ladies' situations, that there are dead ends to be had. I don't believe in the dead and. Sure, in the Sylvia Plath sense, in the Buddhist sense, I know there is an end to all life, that we will all eventually die and go to Heaven, or come back in a new form, or transmigrate, or transcend, or transfigure, or whatever. I believe in the dark sanctity of death and the peace it brings, but I refuse to believe that there is some "greater good" at work who robs us of those who teach us, those who change our lives with every word they say. It will happen to all of us, I know, we will all die. However, I also believe in the essential validity of love, and that humans are resilient, communal beings, that often need said communion more than we've been taught to think, or believe. It's fair to assume we owe it to our loved ones to aid them in all capacities possible.
And Everything2, believe it or not, is a brilliant medium for such things. So, I have a proposal to make. While I don't believe a writeup like this one merits being titled, in the context that it constitutes an "essay," or a "thesis," or anything like that: from a format standpoint, it's nothing. A chain of linear thoughts jumping about randomly. But I'll admit I'm going to break the usual formats that happen here in E2. I ask for an Everything Quest-like item. Remember those? Though out of vogue. Here is the difference: this has nothing to do with XP, or GTKY, Noding for Numbers. Node For The Ages is an exception; perhaps this is the penultimate Node of the Ages. it has to do with those you love, keeping them alive, keeping them here, so you don't have to resort to memories and the cold way in which memories fade away. To nothing.
Tell your friends about this node. Then, tell them about the node you wrote on the subject you chose. Get them to read all related in this fashion, though I believe everyone should be reading everyone's nodes in the first place (it's what they're there for, after all). That way, we can all get in on what I propose below. Frankly, I don't give a shit if you upvote this, downvote this or what. I doubt that in this circumstance it matters. As I said, XP is irrelevant. (Sidenote: Upvote this if you think it's good. Downvote if bad. Format/spelling/syntax/grammar/punctuation wise, anyway)
What I propose is for everyone to think of those experiences analagous and surrounding the one I just spoke of (in your lives) - the strange instances in which our family members die, or will die, or are dying - and catalogue them. Not just the story in your life akin to the one I just spoke of. I'm talking about the things you learned meanwhile. If your situation was anything like mine is - and I presume to know absolutely nothing about your life and your experiences...come to think of it, that's the basic point of what I'm talking about - you'd probably had talks with your relative/friend/lover. You probably talked at great length with your person about what their ailment did to them, how they are now, and most importantly, how to cope. And come to think of it, maybe that's what this should be called: HOWTO: Cope.
Anyway, I hope I've made some sense during all this. I just want my mother and my aunt back. They're the only ones who've loved me during my life. And I don't want to lose them. At least, not yet. Not until it's time. And friends, we all will know when the time is; to think otherwise is stupid. Unwise, even.
Okay, so in short form: Let's find out what's killing, or has killed, those we love. That's the quest I want to send you on. I know I'm not much, that I'm being very personal, but I'm not being opinionated, not really, and I feel that we owe it all to ourselves to try a little harder. Thank you very much for reading this, I'll let you get back to a day's noding without further ado. Good day, good night, happy noding. It's like I told a friend once about life, after I'd gotten off chemical:
The ride's kinda bumpy. But the sights are pretty cool.
Just getting back into Nashville from Ohio, and dropping off the rest of my clan, I head straight for my bed, and pass out. The drive was long, and I became easily agitated throughout it.
I wake up, shower, do all of the odds and ends of self-cleansing, and head for work. Work is long and boring, yet extremely busy at the same time, for all that I had done before I left, had decided to break while I was gone. Needless to say I was not a happy camper while at work.
Being back in Nashville, I head out to my usual night spot, cafe coco. I get there, see the same people, have the same conversations, and drink the same drinks. All seems to be back to normal. I miss the Ohio bunch. I miss hangin out at zot's place, drinking frosty beverages, watching Rocky in the living room, and everything else about the trip. I need a way to feel good like I did there.
Sitting on the back porch with Jay, Ashley, and Ed, I watch a couple Young ladies back into a white Honda, notice it, and attempt to drive off. Ed runs them down, and attempts to find the owner of this vehicle, which is the guy who runs the body art shop upstairs. Although he's cool with it, both he and the girls are appreciative of the fact that they were informed. During the conversation between Ed and the shop owner after the girls left, Ed mentions that he would like to buy that little white Honda they just hit, whenever it's up for sale.
I thought for a bit, and realized that I have an abandoned vehicle behind my house that needs to dissapear. I inform Ed that I would be more than happy to give him this vehichle, should he want it, and indeed he does. Watching someone's mood shift from 'okay' to 'excellent!' because of a few words from your mouth, really feels good.
Ed and I pile into my car and head over to take a look at the vehichle that I'm giving him. It's a black Ford Thunderbird, in pretty damn good shape. It's going to require almost all of it's fluids to be replaced, probally new tires, a new battery, and some elbow grease, but It does run. At this point, my friend is ecstatic. On the drive back, he is practically glowing with excitement. I smile.
After staying up way past my bedtime I head home. This evening has turned out to be a great evening. The storm that had been threatning had subsided, I made someone's day, possibly week/month/whatever, and made myself feel good in the process. I had a wonderful trip this weekend, and met lots of great people*. If I could hit rewind, I'd do it all over again.
Not today, it's a long time ago (a year at least). But it's been coming back to me these days. I was at a party at a friend's house. Well, "house"... It's called "The Hole", cause it is a hole. It's falling apart.
Anyway, I'd had a lot to drink. There was a girl there, whom I instantly hated. From the minute I saw her. She had the correct mix of being annoying and wanting to talk to me. I would try to ignore her. She was also a feminist.
Now, I have nothing at all against feminists. equality is a great cause. But this one, she was just pissing me off. Not being able to ignore her (she kept going), we'd come to the topic of women being as strong as men. She would brag about how she could take a beating and not feel it. Literally telling me to hit her.
I refused. Said, "I won't hit a girl, even if she hits me". That didn't seem to put her off, she actually did hit me in the face. I was pissed and drunk, so I slapped her.
The room went silent. If I could, I would have looked at myself too. Then she laughed and said she had wanted me to hit her. I was puzzled and I think I hated her even more, then.
I'm pretty sure this is the single thing I'm the least proud of, and
