Jump-Starting Your Acting Career and other innovative new features of Windows XP

"To create your footage, just make a movie of yourself. You can wear a suit and tie, sweater, or even a polo shirt if you wish to be on the radical side. Be sure to point your camcorder within 15 degrees from the horizontal axis of the center of your face. When you import your footage, Windows XP's friendly Aqua, erm, Luna interface will give you a Smiley Face.

"If you get an error message that reads "This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down: core whistler error 3256A5X2, goto overload" simply restart your computer and try harder to stay within 15 degrees of the horizontal axis of your face.

"After iMovie, erm, Movie Studio XP has finished encoding your footage, it will transfer it to Microsoft's MSN Talent Scout service to be analysed. If you're using MSN for internet access, it should take about 15 minutes to transfer a 15-second clip. With other ISPs, expect a wait of 30 minutes or more. Due to the popularity of the Talent Scout service, you may need to re-send your video several times.

"Our Talent Scout analysis machines, thanks to the innovative technology in Windows XP Advanced Server, will analyse your footage pixel-by-pixel. We base our analysis algorithms on footage from such Hollywood blockbusters as "Grumpier Old Men," "Home Alone 3," and "My Favorite Martian."

"You will be contacted through our Hotmail service once analysis is complete. If we think you have what it takes to be the next big star, we'll let you and several major casting firms know. If we think your talent leaves something be desired, don't fret. For those low-talent ones of us, our PC manufacturing partner Gateway has teamed up with Microsoft to announce a job opening for you in its tech support division."