Everything Day Logs Yesterday | Tomorrow
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JeffMagnus node count: 3882 (2 new since July 25, 2000) JeffMagnus experience: 8443 (30 more since July 25, 2000) JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 2.175 XP per node JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.622% JeffMagnus node of the day: http://slashdot.msn.com/
Yesterday | Dizzy->Day_Logs() | Tomorrow
08:50 BST
Summer has decided to make an appearance today, prompting intense hayfever. (Why do I always have to find something wrong with anything?)
I have to set up a complete UCM clearcase and clearquest database. My head is swimming with strange terminology - Development Streams and Integration Streams, Database schemas, views and VOBs, processes and change requests.
There's no one from my project in the office yet, normally everyone's in by 8am. This makes me worried: Do they know something I don't?
Please Stop Annoying me guy just turned up, wearing the same black shirt and black jeans. He asks whether I'm OK after my sick day yesterday. Now he's ranting about feverfew and headache cures now. Argh!
10:45 BST
I want to paint a big sign saying "FUCK OFF! I am working" and put it by my desk. If people would stop asking me questions, I could get on with my work. It's times like this I pray for an office with a door, instead of an open plan desk layout.
12:50 BST
We've had a group email from our General Manager telling us that shorts and "T-Shirts with inappropriate logos" are not allowed to be worn on the premises. Thus the whole of lunch was taken up with discussion on this policy. It seems that workplace attire at geek jobs is a thorny subject - the general feeling was that if management want us to buy a whole new Smart Casual wardrobe, they can bloody well give us the money to do so.
I am going to look for another job; this company seems to be more interested in talking rather than doing...
19:10 BST
A rare afternoon. A productive afternoon. I have traumatised myself by being a good corporate bunny.
I sent an email asking whether management could provide a dress code as there wasn't one in HR's rulebook. I was snapped at by my manager - it turns out that he's dead set against casual clothes at work. (I only found this out after the email, of course)
I walked home in the sun, wondering at the people in their overheated cars driving dangerously and cutting each other up. What's so important that you need to risk your life to get to it 37 seconds earlier?
On the way home, I passed an older woman with two small children. I smiled as they passed; they were laughing happily as they skipped and chased each other down the path. The woman scowled at me - I felt like shouting "Look! I am allowed to smile at children's laughter, aren't I?"
Mental Note: Buy some cool postcards from the New Forest or maybe Winchester.
Oh well - today has been a mixed bag. I went and picked my car up from the garage this morning (even got up at the correct time, and didn't get lost on the way (see yesterday)
Of course having no money for (lemme see) 18 days doesn't work at all - so I went and worked some magic at the ATM and made my cheque account cough up and extra $300 over drawn. That covers
Well this does give me a good excuse to cut back on my smoking again (maybe even give up? unlikely - damn nicotine).
<< week | July 25, 2000 | July 26, 2000 | July 27, 2000 | week >>
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Server time: 14:22 Wed Jul 26 2000 UTC, corrected since June 29, 2000
* = users rising up in the EBU; - = users falling down in the EBU l_ = last (previous) value; inc = increase in stats value wa7 = ((stats + (6 * l_wa7))/7) = weighted average with denominator 7
Update July 30, 2000. This looks like to be the last Everything's Best Users Snapshot I'll post in a while ... more ...
Taking a short break on the art nodes *sighs* all those nodes and I'm still number 13 on sabre23t's Everything's Best Users Snapshot. One day!! I'll be an Avatar.
Back To School is a difficult time of year for me. I want to get out there and get classroom supplies, fill out my attendance lists, jazz up the bulletin boards. I have to accept that I am not able to teach, but it is sopainful and difficult to give a dream. I'm calling Vocational Rehab today and telling them I would like to apply for a job as an Airline Reservationist for American Airlines. I think it would be a good job for me, a lot of repetitive work which doesn't require a whole lot of short term memory work or concentration I would think.
Faith is Accepting Loss
Lord when doubts fill my mind, when my heart is in turmoil, quiet me and geive me renewed hope and cheer. - Psalm 94:19
God's reason is reward for my faith.
Devotion
gah! gah! gah!
Where I am it's about 2:50 p.m. right now
oh.... this anonymous honesty...
Only two more days of this job left. Thank god. If I worked here for two much longer, I would become even more horribly addicted to this place. As usual, I'm not doing much at work. Except for fretting.
On Sunday I saw my ex-boyfriend, my first real relationship. The first time I'd seen him in... almost a year, and the first time I'd really talked to him since we broke up (for the second time), almost two years ago. He drove to my house. We talked for a while. Smoked a joint, which was good because I was nervous. But also strange, because I don't think we'd ever done that together before.
Actually, the night was great. We talked about stuff I'd been meaning to bring up for too long. He had wanted to see me before I moved away, and I had wanted to see him too.
We tried to watch a movie, and failed. We got close again. He told me I smelled the same. He felt the same.
The body remembers.
I know it wouldn't work out between us if we were to try it again. He - I don't know if he knows that. Christ, we've already been down that road twice. I was the one who got hurt in both cases though.
He left a message for me yesterday, and I called him today. I just hung up with him. He's coming over tonight, and I'm nervous. I'm not sure if I'm getting in over my head.
What will I do tonight, before he gets to my house? Pace restlessly, nibble on snacks. Try and read. Try and figure out what I'm going to say to him, or whether I should say anything. Remember not to lose myself.
Slept very soundly last night, due perhaps to the one-hour long nap with her from 10 till 11. Then I was up for another half-hour, then doing the ritual of cleaning, and then i was back in bed.
I was deluded by a page from the boss this morning that I would be alone in the office; however, he is here. The rest of the team is gone offsite, playing with a broken server or something.
Despite the good sleep, I am feeling unduly drab. There is nothing bothering me, I am just not getting excited by anything.
I am contradicting a write up that I made earlier today by pounding a coffee in order to feel better. I know it's bad, but I would rather be punch drunk from coffee than sleepy and blah.
I'm attempting to not ritualistically downvote people as often; perhaps it's just that I am having trouble getting enthused enough to exert that type of emotion.
An hour later, the coffee is making me slaphappy, and i am back to being abusive in the Chatterbox and downvoting like mad.
It is so searingly hot here that my shins felt burned from walking against the hot air, and I worried about my tattoo while walking short distances. It was not this hot last year this time, because I arrived the day after the floods. Yesterday it was 110 degrees. I've been to Africa, and it wasn't nearly this hot. It is no longer "It's Africa hot"; now "It's Vegas hot."
Flight to Dallas/Fort Worth: communist-like hand out of AA "snack." Thanks. Blood sugar dropping. Seatmate on the window side was a genial white male, mid-twenties, with a University of Colorado binder. "Hey, how you guys doin'?" I spent most of the brief layover in line for a regular coffee, behind the people desiring double-caf, skinny grande lattes or whatever. "No, two shots of espresso." Look, goober - the world does not revolve around you and your fucking lattes. So I didn't really get time to eat.
Flight to Las Vegas: Rold Gold pretzels and a ginger ale. I weep for Santiago and curse the marines! No, wait - I cursed American Airlines and weeped for myself. Something like that. Our seatmate on the window side was a good ol' boy from Plano, a white male in his late twenties who was also going to Black Hat, and who wanted to talk. Y was the middle seat, and the default buffer while I read Mike Nelson's book Movie Megacheese. Y suffered through an inane, repetitive conversation about the O'Reilly C book. I kept reading in peace. I did not take out my laptop on either leg. In fact, I read and finished Fight Club from HQ to Dallas, then read and finished Movie Megacheese Dallas to Vegas, partly because I felt too weak to take my hefty laptop from the overhead bin. sigh.
Vegas. Very fucking hot. We determined that our hotel was unacceptable (me: "At least there's no blood on the walls.") after being in two different rooms within one hour. We made some calls, spoke to the Hilton, then drove over there and spoke with Brian from Lancaster, Ohio (on his badge). They did have rooms, but we requested that we be able to look at one of their rooms before we checked in. Brian spoke to the manager and we got a key to "one of our worst rooms" (so we wouldn't see a villa and get a matchbox). It was considerably better than the first hotel's rooms, so we checked in with Brian, and somehow got an executive upgrade in the process. Anyway, the room rocks, and we have an awesome view of the mountains (and the satellite dishes, pool, and golf course).
observation: A dude who looked like Elvis in his later years. Black hair, mutton-chop sideburns, sunglasses, an inexplicable blue oxford shirt with a white collar, black polyester-looking pants that were several inches too long, and no belt. He spent a lot of time at the ATM before going to back to the casino area.
Tuesday we were exhausted and passed around by 2000. We are very fucking fond of the Hilton right now.
Yesterday was our company picnic. We even managed to have nice weather. We played volleyball, had a water balloon tossing contest, and a three-legged race. My team lost our volleyball match, dropped the water balloon early on, and finished third in the three-legger. But at least I participated. It annoys me when the prima donna's don't participate on the grounds that what they are wearing is unsuitable. YOU WERE TOLD AHEAD OF TIME, WE DIDN'T SPONTANEOUSLY DECIDE TO HAVE A PICNIC! And then they sit there making fun of everyone else. Maybe I should have thrown a wild pitch in the water balloon toss...
Today
Another fun and thrilling day at work - NOT. It is rainy and nasty outside. I have some things I have to do before my former-boss-who-is-still-in-charge-of-me-somehow returns from vacation on Monday. They should take about an hour to do, but I feel like procrastinating.
Someone came into my area earlier to assess the carpeting. I get the feeling that someone is trying to steal my space (which should accomodate at least 8 people, but only accomodates me and all the files associated with my job). I think this carpet has been here for about 15 years, and it is in surprisingly good shape. Now the walls, desk, and cubicle on the other hand...
I had to make a doctor's appointment for my husband. He has a big knot on his knee which I am concerned about. I am not one that is prone to worry, but what if this knot (for lack of a better word) "pops" and spreads vile things through his body?
Their response - "We have an opening in September, but if you talk to the doctor she might be able to arrange something sooner."
Me: "Can I talk to the doctor then?"
Them: "The doctors aren't in on Wednesdays."
Me: "AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!"
Plans for tonight
Go to the grocery store, Blockbusters, and Post Office on my way home from work; make chili for dinner; gather up the garbage and hike it out to the curb (looooooooong driveway - with hills in both directions, honest); do a load of laundry; and then settle in front of the TV to watch Survivor.
Sounds exciting, huh?
One of the previous bits got taken away today.
Walking to the station is paying off - I'm close to a beltnotch smaller around my waist!
Yesterday | Tomorrow
So, I stopped taking St. John's Wort because of the risk of pregnancy. It can reduce the effectiveness of birth control pills, and I don't want to be pregnant. Anyway, my clinical depression has come back to haunt me full force, and the stupid job shit that is going on here isn't helping me much. I also have PMS.
Anyway, I came very close to total meltdown at work today. I've been using my health insurance's website to find a psychiatrist, and they only listed two in the entire area that are covered. I called the one closest to me, and he was a knee doctor. The receptionist asked me what kind of problems I was having, and I said "depression and stress related". She kindly explained that he was a knee doctor. She was very nice about it and said they get calls all the time, but I still felt like a total idiot. I hate my health insurance.
So, I called the insurance company directly, and got the numbers for two doctors close to me. One does not have an opening for three months. The other does not have an office open on Wednesdays, so I have to wait for a call back tomorrow. My counselor gave me some people to try, and one was my old shrink. I called him and he takes my insurance, but he has no openings until the end of next month. I'll call the other two and see if I can get in to see someone without having to pay an arm and a leg.
I hate this. I'm cracking up inside and I need help, but nobody has any time for me. If I can't see a specialist soon, I will call my regular doctor and get in to see her and hope she has some knowledge of depression and good drugs to treat it. I get the feeling though that I'll be prescribed one of the Big Four (Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, and Wellbutrin) and she won't know anything about the newer drugs with less side effects. Bah.
I had to deal with a really rude customer, and that totally set me off and right now I feel like I am going to crumble into tiny pieces. I think I might go home early. I feel like I'm going totally insane. I went out and walked around the building with Pete, and that helped a bit, but not really. I have to get out of this office. I have to find a new job NOW.
I forgot what its like to feel this crazy. The last time I had any kind of breakdown was in 1997, and I got through it because I finally was diagnosed with a medical problem. I've been able to control it with drugs and herbs, but now my herbs will make me pregnant. I hate this I hate this I hate this.
I wish that 7up still had lithium in it. Then I could drink a few of those and feel better.
If you want some idea of how I feel, read zot-fot-piq's description in the depression node. Its that bad, but I want to take the drugs so I don't feel like this. I'm still able to function right now. Barely.
So I'm all worked up about this rude customer, and Phil tells me to shake it off. Shake it off. I wish I could! He just doesn't get what's inside my head, although we've kind of talked about it and I think he knows. You don't truly know unless you feel it.
If it wasn't for Alex, my wonderful boyfriend, I would probably be drooling in the mental ward by now. That's how fucked up I feel lately.
I saw a negative vote on my day log yesterday. That hurt. What the hell is up with that? If you don't like a node I write, then downvote it - fine. But downvoting a day log is really fucking low.
Nodes That I Wrote Today That I like: none
CD's I've Listened To Today: Delerium - Morpheus Muslimgauze - Hand of Fatima Delerium - Karma
It won't shut up it wants me dead god damn this noise inside my head.
