January 4, 2002

If you happen to be in the Fort Collins, Colorado area this Saturday, give me a buzz at 227-4902. Yurei is up here visiting, and I thought it would be nifty to meet a few other Rocky Mountain noders, say for a cup of coffee at Rocky Mountain Coffee Connection, at the corner of Drake and Shields (next to the Pulse).

If you won't be in the area, I'll still lift a glass of espresso to your health and prosperity.

This is my 5th week in my new house. The first four weeks I had to share the house with the previous inhabitants (due to a mix-up of when someones new apartment would be ready). But they moved out on the first of the month. So I finally have a house of my own (well I am only renting, but this time it is my place). I have never had a place of my own before. I have lived with my parents, rented rooms in homes and apartments that belonged to other people, but this is he first time I really have a home to call my own, a home that feels like home.

I do have one roommate, but he is a good friend, and he understands that this is my house (not his). I can finally walk into my living room, sit on my couch, and put my feet up on my coffee table. I can go into my kitchen and make a sandwich in my microwave. There is a room of to the side of my kitchen that hold my arcade games (not all of them, I just have Vs. Super Mario Bros., Turbo, and one of my MAME cabinets in there at the moment). Let me tell you something, this feels great. I haven't felt comfortable with my living situation in years. I feel great even though my roommate lost his job right after we moved in. I don't have a dime to my name, but I still feel great. I have spent the last 10 years or so holed up in my little rooms inside of other peoples houses and apartments. I haven't been in my room much at all here (except to sleep). I finally don't have to worry about all the utter crap you have to put up with when you live in someone elses house. Not anymore, now I have one of my own.

I finally feem comfortable enough at home that I feel ready to tackle some of the other problems in my life. But the first thing I need to do is make sure my roommate Dave finds a job in the next week or 2 (before I get too behind in my other bills because I am covering him).

I will also be holding a noder gathering in a few months.

Not that I don't tend to have it coming.

It turns out also that I won't get to go to the party on the 5th that I've been looking forward to for so long now. My grandmother died. No big deal, really- I haven't seen her since I was ten, but I still have to go to the funeral. Not nearly as fun as drunken debauchery with a number of my favorite noders. So it goes.

The difference between now and then is that now the pain has a name, several in fact, and one of them, the big one, just happens to be myself.

This is a very lonely place to be...because no one understands what I'm feeling inside, and worse, no one even tries. No one cares, and I can feel a few, on the periphery...sure they may care but they've seen it so many times. I mean, how many times can a girl cry wolf? If I were on the outside I'd probably feel the same way, but no one outside understands that every day it's a new pain, every day it feels just as bad as the first time you saw me like this. All I want is a goddamn hug or something, can people at least pretend that they care? I just get helpless looks and helpless feelings from helpless people who haven't the slightest idea how to reach me so they decide it's just best to leave me alone.

Precisely the problem.

I'm sorry that this is such a depressing daylog. Sometimes writing is the only way to get things out.

So... it's happening to me again... the loneliness thing. Egad, it gets to be bothersome. I miss all kinds of things about having female companionship. Laughs, conversation, reading together, sharing, touching, sex, kissing, holding, learning each others' crazy little habits, sleeping... oh, hell, I miss the whole thing. I hate waking up in bed alone, no one to smile at. I know my living situation isn't conducive to having a mate or girlfriend right now, but that doesn't mean I don't miss it.

Warm skin next to me on a cold winter night- I'm missing that more than anything these days.

For me, it's less about the raunchy side of things and more about the intimacy. When I was a kid I didn't experience much in the way of intimacy, always shying away from hugs and whatnot. But now, getting closer to thirty years of age every day, I've learned what I was missing as a kid and I'm finding that I miss it even more. Of course, I miss the love, but I miss the other stuff, too. It's been ages since I've had a good argument with a woman where I felt invested in it, where it was more like sparring than fighting. I miss making up afterwards- saying and hearing "I'm sorry."

Some people revel in their loneliness. Sometimes I appreciate it, being able to do what I want when I want to, but more often than not I find myself wanting. Even in the dark, I look at the pillow and wonder how different the contours would be if someone else's head was resting on it with me. To wake up one sunny morning, the light streaming through the windows, and seeing strands of her hair intermingled with mine.

Spring will be here sooner than we might expect. In April there is a good chance that I will have to move to another home. Maybe I'll have a better chance at love the next go-around. It would be so nice to love with the seasons.

Another day, another dollar, working with students, trying to enlighten them in world of geography. Its a shame how little they know about the world and where things are located. I was quizing the students in preperation for a location quiz and asked some one where the Gobi Desert was and he replyed "isn't that in the United States?" I mean come on, you are in a Geography class at least try and pay attention. I don't understand how someone knows so little about the world around them.

Really rough night at work tonight.

The morning, we go out to eat at Bojangle's. I had two egg-and-cheese biscuits, two "Botato Rounds", and a thing of orange juice.

Then I got home, found I missed talking to my guy on AOL in the morning, and called him instead. He's got a nice voice... And I'll get to meet him tonight. I'm excited.

Happy Holidays,
dotc

You have to understand Warren. The man was the most reliable, most punctual and most prepared man I had ever met in my entire life. He knew answers to questions before I asked them. He was the model of efficiency tied up in a tibetan hat and a short treatise on how vegetarianism was where it was at.

Needless to say, we were all a bit perturbed that we hadn't heard from him in a while.

We called another office that he usually worked in. They hadn't heard from him either. We called him at home, no answer. We called him hour after hour. Finally we called our accounts payable department to see what his address was. All they had was a PO box. Things had started to get strange.

At around 12:45, we remembered that he was supposed to have picked up some fliers from a local Kinko's on Wednesday night. I called the Kinko's, he never picked up the fliers.

We finally decided to call the police. The police gave us the number for missing persons. It was busy, and busy, and busy...

And busy...

We called his other office again. His boss there had called the police and they were on their way to Warren's Harlem apartment. While my boss was on the phone with the office, Warren's boss called me from his cell phone. I heard the sirens and I knew.

Warren was dead. The police found him in his apartment. Apparently he had died in his sleep. We can only assume that he had been there since Wednesday night.

I remember that I called him this morning and said on his answering machine, "Warren, if you're too sick or hurt to get to the phone, throw something at it to knock it off the hook so that we can know to come and get you." I waited, but no telltale click to show that the phone had picked up.

"Well, I guess you're not there, Warren. We're worried about you, please call us."

I thought this year was supposed to be better... Maybe my new year will begin tomorrow.