January 24, 2000

Now, with a new LAN adapter in place, it talks to the network, but won't log on to the domain.

Meanwhile, my Linux box, right here is fine. He's a little pissed off.

I'm told the weather here (melting ice and snow, instead of the forecast several inches of city-stopping snow and cold) is my fault. I'll have to think about that while the day sparkles to a close. Or something. All you kids who had to go to school instead of play in the snow, you know where to find me.

Another friend made me realize, through a long, gentle talk, a lot of big good things.

Isn't it a shame you can't go on a spiritual adventure too. Isn't it a shame you're stuck here, at home, where learning and growth aren't possible.

Shut up, Pete.

Mostly. Mostly, I just need a hug.

Infatuation happens. Settling happens. Asking for people to come into your life works. It's all energy, this asking for things. But you have to know how to ask. Be very careful what you ask for.

I have nothing to shoot back at you other than, oh well, I really did want this. I asked for it, but I didn't ask for it carefully enough.

But you both came for me, just at different times. One of you beat the other really by a year. I don't know what to say, I can't watch over you, but he....he watches over me. And he let's me get his back. A formidable duo we've become. Regardless that I'm spoken for, yes he was blown away when I told him, regardless of the beautiful little 20 y/o goth chick ringing his phone off the wall. And she's as cute as a button. But he calls me every night, he makes me dinner, he is like looking in mirror, he writes me poetry, he writes poetry about me, he is the bitchy little boy who I have the capabilities of being. And he wants me, empty ring finger or not. And I sit here by the phone waiting for my other half to tell me he's all right....such a good little girl, with my legs crossed and my mind muddled. Is this a test?

So you tell me what I should do? He's getting a job in Phoenix and he wants to steal me away with him. He says in June, right before our birthday. But I can't go because I have to go North. So I can play out this life with someone who has no idea what to do with me....except hide. And my heart is so tired. Everything's turned on it's nose. Still, all I wanted was you. Not the name, the job, the extraneous bullshit. I'm not enough...SAY IT DAMn'T!

Love sucks, for lack of a more original expression. Particuliarily when you get what you asked for. And I'm beginning to think your mom was right, There is No Arizona. I will still look for it anyway though...

See...this THIS is what separation causes.