Ever since I was 13 I've known that I've liked men... For a more detailed description of that, see It's better to have loved and lost. It's been a rough journey... The average straight person just doesn't understand how painful it is to go through what a gay person goes through.
I'm so glad that I didn't grow up 20 years ago... Things are getting better. People are more accepting of gays now, and I would just like to say that it must have taken a lot of courage for someone to be openly gay in the past. It takes enough courage now, when it's somewhat accepted...
Do you know how it feels to walk through the halls of your school and hear it time after time again? "Oh, man, that is so gay!" You don't think it should be any big deal, but it hurts. It hurts me to think that other people are disgusted by my lifestyle, it hurts me to think that people would want to kill me for who I am, and it hurts me to think that there's some guy out there who's really cute but who I could never be with because he's straight.
There's a good reason why gay suicide is so common... Straight people just don't understand how much it hurts us... There's more than just the ridicule from every side, though...
All our lives, we've been brought up that being gay is wrong... So not only are others telling us that it is wrong, but we're also telling ourselves that it is wrong. We feel like we're dissappointing our parents, our friends, and God, but there is nothing we can do about it, because we are the way that we are.
If I had a choice... if I were attracted to women, and not men, believe me, I would be straight. But it just isn't in the cards for me.
As children, we entered into heterosexual relationships purely for emotional value... That's what we were taught all of our lives... Relationships are not about sex. They're about emotional love!
NEWS FLASH! Love is not just about loving someone's personality... Love is fully appreciating someone for who they are, how they look, how they make you feel, what they do, and every other aspect of them. If you truly love someone, you even love their flaws! So how can I commit myself to a loveless relationship with a girl? It's wrong to her and it's wrong to me. I can love men... I do love men.
At least, if I could FIND any I would. For you see, in this judgemental world, most teens are too scared to come out, both to themselves and to the public. So here I am, stuck in a world where there are surely gay people that I could care about, but who are lying to themselves (which, BTW, is a sin), and convincing themselves that they are straight...
Well, we build up a lot of sexual energy in our youth... We crave love... People don't understand why I'm so desperate to find a date... I mean, plenty of straight people seem content to be by themselves, and while they'd like a date, they don't really want to look too hard. Me? I'm starving for just a bit of the love that I've been missing my whole life... The love that anyone needs... When the people you love show you nothing but hate in return, it hurts.
Coming out isn't easy either... You have no clue just how powerful rumors can be until you have to think about them and plan them... Me? I didn't care who knew... But then my friends weren't trying to tell anyone, and I wanted people to know... So I had to tell people over and over again... And as accepting as people are of it nowadays... their first reaction is always a look of shock and disgust... Some people only show it for a half second... But others will drag it out into a hate that you can't do anything about...
It's a hard life, but it's the only one I have to live. I wish I could kill myself, but... miles to go before I sleep.
Now you might want to read My Mom's Reply. |
