| Got a letter from Byzantine from Basic Training in Ft. Jackson. I have a feeling we are becoming friends. We are reaching out to each other blindly, across miles, across the knowledge that we are still strangers to one another, still reaching to be heard. E2 has somehow shown me that I am still human, and that there are other humans out there forever reaching out. It's a strange, sobering and yet comforting knowledge, one that creeps up on you when you least expect it.
I had a long dialogue with Shmuel tonight and I feel that much is still to come out of it. I will have to go over the IM chat again and again before it all sinks in. I may not move as soon as I initially and sporadically decided. But I was reminded tonight that I am forever moving onto another level of myself.
Nothing is decided in an instant. Nothing that matters, anyway. I know now that I cannot move in one way until I move in another way. I can't grow out without first growing up, reaching with the light as it passes, not unlike a lowly blade of grass. Either through concrete or through shit, through soil and through struggle, it is all movement with intention of up and out. I can only really concern myself with my own growth. Each blade to its own.
Yes, it is hard to be separated by this distance just as it is hard to not know so many things I want to know right now but can't. It is hard to feel, or seem, so alone in my endeavors. There are many more stops on this trip than I at first imagined. And even when I arrive where and when I am supposed to, it isn't really ever going to end. I guess that's one of the initial steps too.
No more illusions. I think I have more than enough emotion now. It is now time for reality, and not a reality so much of planning, but taking steps I've been meaning to take for a while, steps I was subconsciously hoping to avoid by just jumping head long into it, as I have always done. There are things that need to be tended to regardless. Savings and getting caught up on things needing near immediate care. Save regardless of why. Get caught up just to do it. Focus on what I can work on in the meantime. Here are some issues that Shmuel brought up that I know are things I will be working on. At least, these are the things I am able to remember right now.
My anger. I do have a temper. I do release it. I am not always good, oh let's face it, it's easy to push my buttons. I always have reasons to be angry, to feel unjustly treated, and I often wear it as a badge of courage, something earned through hard work and suffering, the Jesus complex. I do believe that the fostering of this anger is made more acceptable through my occupation, but it has always been there, dormant, waiting for a host. Hell hath no fury, and that's no joke. I am looking for ways to deal with my anger and not let it keep me from seeking and attaining happiness.
My family. I think visiting my parents in August while my brother is in the States visiting them would be a good idea, a way to start working things out with them. It will be a long process, but the thing to understand is that while I am hesitant to clear up issues with them, I am not pinning my hopes on our getting closer as a result. I mean, do all people who are not close to their families somehow cursed and are unable to go beyond that, to be allowed to move on? I guess I will find out. Will my ability to evolve past where my parents have left me be questioned? Will I be given that chance?
My morality. To form my own ethics. What is it I believe is right an acceptable for me and for the one with whom I choose to align my energies, my flesh and my heart? Having never been given a standard really from which to rebel or align, this will be a challenge for me this late in life. I know what is right and I know what is debatable. How to communicate them concisely is another story, let alone stating them here.
So what, then do I have? I have this hope. I have my cluttered life and my past. I have my future, clouded as it is, but it's there. And I have the ever-present present. I have friends that love me and want me to be happy and then I have God. I also have me. That's a lot more than I thought I had, actually. Oh, and I have my passion to write, to love people, to help people, to be happy and to strive to do what's right. Man, that's a lot.
I have what's left of this night and I have tomorrow to recover some work at work. My heart will just have to wait.
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