I am going to beat up Reel Big Fish

Once or twice, years ago, I was accused of acting like one of those Annoying, affectless hipster kids in record stores who sneer at anything that other people like. I put down other bands simply for being associated with bands I didn't like. I was being an indie rock asshole. I admit it.

I felt really bad about that, and I definitely don't like being boiled down to an obnoxious stereotype. So I've put in an effort to be nicer to people who like music that I don't. The best way to go about doing that, I discovered, is to avoid music I don't like.

So I stopped listening to the radio and even thinking about MTV. This way if someone talks to me about, say, the new Green Day album, or Britney Spears' cover of Satisfaction, I can shrug my shoulders and say "Sorry dude, never heard it." And if I did hear it, it would probably be okay, because I wouldn't be suffering from the media saturation induced rage of having heard a mediocre song played 47 million times.

So there I was, living comfortably in my own little world of pop music isolation, when your humble narrator decided to pick up Where is My Mind?: A Tribute to the Pixies. The Pixies are my favorite band of all time. And the album had many bands I enjoy on it, like Weezer, Sensefield, The Get Up Kids, and The Promise Ring. It also had a few bands I hadn't heard of.. and then I noticed Reel Big Fish.

I don't like Reel Big Fish. I don't like their music, I don't think they're as funny as they think they are, and I think they're a bunch of jerks¹. So, I avoid listening to them. And somehow they had snuck onto an album that I wanted. It was like they were deliberately trying to invade my little indie rock cocoon. And they had covered one of my favorite songs, Gigantic. But hey, maybe they really dig the Pixies too, and maybe they actually did a good version of it. That would earn them some respect from me. That would be nice.

So I listened to it. It's a fucking dance remix. And a really shitty one, at that. They're not even a dance club kinda band. They're a ska band, with a big "Har har har, we're hilarious" grin on their faces. And I could practically hear them saying "Hey, we can't actually hack a pixies cover, wouldn't it be funny to make a REALLY SHITTY dance remix of a Pixies song and put it on this album! Har har har! We're hilarious!"

Somehow, Reel Big Fish had snuck into my house, onto my stereo, and was MAKING FUN of my favorite band.

This is why I want to beat up Reel Big Fish. Before, they were a merely crappy band. Now, they are a crappy band which invaded my happy little world, and took a big steaming dump on the floor. I don't let that sort of thing go. You shouldn't either. Your favorite band could be next. They must be stopped.

So if Reel Big Fish is playing near you, get tickets. Go to the show. Throw beer bottles at their heads, and when they drag you away, scream:

THIS IS FOR THE PIXIES, YOU NO-TALENT SHITCAMELS!