How to type with your nose

There comes a point in the life of any frequent computer user where new, interesting fields in the spectrum of typography urge to be explored. Some use this opportunity to learn the Dvorak keyboard layout or something equally useful. However, many novices choose to explore the secrets of nose-typing. Whatever popular myth may try to make you believe, this is not as easy as it sounds! For those still willing to learn the art of nose-typing, some safety guidelines before we approach the actual guide:

• Never attempt to nose-type if you have a history of previous nasal injuries!
• Before attempting to nose-type, make absolutely sure no sharp objects are situated on your keyboard! This is of utmost importance!
• CONTROL YOUR NOSE'S IMPACT VELOCITY! This cannot be stressed enough.
• Please see the statement at the end of this guide and agree to the terms before you try anything!

1. Locate an appropriate keyboard. Any keyboard will do, however large keys such as those on an ergonomic keyboard are generally preferrable. Lap top keyboards or those tiny transparent / black ones that come with iMacs are not recommended.



2. Check your keyboard for dust specks, coffee stains and the like. This step is not absolutely necessary but recommended for reasons of personal hygiene.



3. Face the keyboard and locate the letter you wish to type. GENTLY lower your face towards the keyboard and briefly push the key down with your nose.



4. Remove your face from the keyboard, and view your monitor.



5. Congratulations! You have successfully nose-typed your first letter!



6. Repeat steps 3 and 4 to form words, sentences... I dare say even paragraphs are possible!



7. For case shifting, it is recommended to use the caps lock key. The tongue may otherwise be used to hold down shift while nose-typing the desired letter, but this can get uncomfortable and is a health risk if step 2 was not performed very carefully.

You will not be typing very accurately or swiftly, at first. This is not a problem, and is to be expected. Take it easy! Progress will come with practice. Soon, you too will be a nose-typing professional!

Finally, some FAQs:

Q: I have been following your guide, and my keyboard is now covered with ugly, green blobs! What's wrong?
A: You have been nose-typing while under the influence of the flu. While this is not likely to cause injuries as such, it is still not recommended. Locate a new keyboard.

Q: I HAVE FOLLOWED THE ADVICE IN STEP 7 AND CAN'T STOP SHOUTING NOW!
A: Caps-lock remains active until the key is pressed another time. Simply push the key again to solve the issue.

Q: With your help, I have mastered the art of nose-typing! I seek new challenges! What do you recommend?
A: Congratulations on your success! For new, interesting challenges, see How to type with your elbow to be released Real Soon Now!

So you're sitting there.
Nothing else is sweating except for your armpits, and your mind is running like it always does about some mess of events that has to happen to get you to that next moment of satisfaction, even though without it you are still surviving.
You're doing what they want, but not what you wish you were doing. Maybe it would free you up to think rightly and straightforward in a way that would help you break through to that harmony with the world that you want so badly, but there is no way to tell.
Your hands are tied behind your back, and you are forced to type with your face. It does not hurt that badly, but you are surprised that it does not make you sweat more. Your joints will be fucked up forever though. Nothing you can do. Peck. Inside your head, you are frantically putting together fragments of all those important thoughts into a semblance of success. Chances are good that you will not see those people again.

Wiggling around just makes your wrists hurt. Time is passing and you are not applying yourself to the work you have been assigned. Fucking Peck.

Your mind is piecing together the grandest castle of escape. Building it brick by brick, your own constructions will allow you to use your voice, and use your real abilities. They don't want you to use them though, if you are able to get beyond this numbness and suppression then you are a threat. Even though your castle is designed to bring people together since it is really just a vessel, but explaining that to these fucking fools really wouldn't work now would it?

It is easy to be convinced that you don't even have the impetus or patience to build that structure before you topple. The others will play on your confidence and stretch its golden foil infinitely thin. That's their game, but think, really they have to hold themselves up on something or they'll fall over and they won't be able to get their work done either. Shit. Peck.

Alright, look busy. They are going to want to talk. Choose your mood carefully. If you act ignorant, they are going to despise you. But if you act too smart they will laugh behind their oak, lockable doors about how you are going to be sitting there pecking away at a keyboard with your fucking face until your brain gets dislodged and starts to leak out your nose. Then they will stuff your body into the Sun server cabinet in the back of the server room where it will turn into dust that will get blown into the ventilation system of the building.

The next guy will not even know that while he presses the skin of his nose, chin, or whatever to the keyboard that your nervous tissue is being ground into his pores.