How to Use a Condom

Directions for condom use:

Before sex
• Use a new condom every time you have sex -- before foreplay, before penis gets anywhere near any body opening (to avoid exposure to any bodily fluids that can carry infection). Handle condom gently
• Put a condom on as soon as penis is hard. Be sure rolled-up ring is on the outside. And leave space at tip to hold semen when you come.
• Squeeze tip gently so no air is trapped inside. Hold tip while you unroll condom....all the way down to the hair. If condom doesn't unroll, it's on wrong. Throw it away. Start over with a new one.

After sex

• Pull out slowly right after you come, while penis is still hard. Hold condom in place on penis to avoid spilling semen. Turn and move completely away before you let go of condom. Dispose of used condom properly, not in the toilet. And no more sex without a new condom. If condom breaks and semen spills or leaks, don't panic. But quickly wash semen away with soap and water.

Addendum:

Once condom has been removed from aforementioned penis, please take a moment to dispose of it in as sanitary a method as possible.

Some suggested techniques:

• Gently fold used prophylactic several times and wrap in several layers of toilet paper, facial tissue, or disposable, absorbent material. Place bundle in trash receptacle.
• Holding condom so that reservoir tip is downward (and making sure none of the ejaculate escapes) knot the open end once (preferrably twice). Place condom in trash receptacle.

Though challenging, there are positive benefits to retaining some semblance of coherent thought in the post-orgasmic haze.

1. You know that you've done your damnedest to minimize contact of your bodily fluids and any other living creature and thus can sleep better in the arms of your beloved (or just satiated) partner(s).
2. Anyone who may end up handling your trash (like, say, the sanitation engineer, or perhaps someone looking for food in a dumpster) will run a lesser risk of having to touch, smell, or (ewwww) ingest your bodily fluids after you've considerately disposed of your used latex in a responsible and courteous manner.

Of course, these suggestions really only work to minimize exposure to the male portion of bodily fluid output resulting from a session of hot nookie-making. To be the most respectful and health-conscious person you can be, drop your wrapped and/or knotted condom into a second condom and knot that bad boy. Thus contained, only deliberate effort should put others in contact with the fluids in question.