Dumb American Stories

Just to share this little gem with other people though: I was in Wokstation in Dublin about a month ago, enoying the spare ribs, surrounded by tourists as happens in Temple Bar. This American guy walks in, sits down and starts announcing very loudly that he regarded all Irish people as being scum, thieves and knackers. He then started offering to kill anyone who disagreed with the knife he claimed to have with him

Obviously, nobody did disagree, mainly because none of them spoke English. I didn't, because I'm so spineless. He carried on yelling, and started to explain why he hated all Irish people.

Apparently he had just been in a pub across the road and had started chatting to an Irish guy. After a while this guy said he was going to the bar and offered to fetch a drink for the American. The American accepted the offer, asked for a pint of Guinness and gave him a £50 note.

Much to his surprise, and to my great amusement, he never saw the Irish guy, his pint or his £50 ever again.

Some would call that robbery. I call it natural selection.

So we were sitting down to a dinner of hamburgers and hotdogs one evening and making conversation about the various odd things that the Australian aborigines used to eat -- moths, ants, that sort of thing. And ditzy track-star girl turns to the Korean guys and says,

"I can't believe you people still eat DOG! That's SICK!"

And silence falls over the table. Everyone else stares at her, then looks at the shocked reaction on the Korean guys' faces, then looks at me as I sit there, utterly mortified.

"Jesus Aitch Christ, you stupid American bitch!" One of the guys -- an Australian or an Englishman, I don't recall which -- gets up and leaves the table.

The sad thing is, the girl still didn't understand what she did wrong until I sat her down and explained it to her in no uncertain terms.