There was a fateful night one time when my best friends, Colin and Randy, were playing Illuminati with me, while Colin's son, Gabe (the same one from A Child's View of the Army) was watching The Tigger Movie. Times were hard then, I had been out of work for about 3 months, and my love life was non-existant. As is the usual custom of our games, Colin and Randy would gang up on me and I would act dejected and depressed (it wasn't a far stretch, actually). I began speaking in the Eeyore voice.
"Okay, with Randy's megabucks and my CIA, I successfully take Evil Geniuses for a Better Tomorrow from you." Colin would proclaim cheerfully.
"Thank's for noticin' me..." I'd say in that gravelly depressed sounding voice.
Now Gabe is very adamant when it comes to certain things. One of which is that when a movie is on, you're not supposed to talk. Much less, you're not supposed to talk like one of the main characters. So he turned around and shushed me.
"What'd I do?" I said.
"You're not supposed to talk like Eeyore during the Tigger Movie!" he exclaimed angrily.
"Why not?" I said, still in Eeyore-voice. This made Gabe furious, he repeated his demand several times. It was fun watching the little tyke get so riled up about something so trivial.
My mistake. To a five year-old, nothing is trivial. He finally stood up and turned around to face me, fists clenched so tight the knuckles looked like they were glowing. You could see his battle aura building up. He screwed his face up into a scowl and pointed, shouting...
"You've got no kids, no wife, no job, and you're not in The Tigger Movie!!!
I just stood there, agape. Randy burst out laughing so hard he cried. I just looked at the floor flushed with humiliation. Colin tried valiantly to keep a straight face, but all he could manage to say was "Gabe!" before cracking up.
Randy paused only long enough to shout "Oh man, you were totally dissed by a five year-old!" then collapsed into giggle-fits before adding "...even I'm in the Tigger Movie!" which, incidently, he wasn't... but then he had a job.
It was the ultimate insult. It was bad enough to be one of the only unmarried bachelors left in my group of friends. I didn't mind so much about not having kids. The job part hurt. But adding insult to injury, I was not in the Tigger Movie.
His precious silence regained, broken only by the occasional gasp of air by Randy, Gabe resumed watching his movie. Colin and I stared at the floor for a while and eventually put up the game. Yes, my friends, a five year-old child managed to come up with the most debasing insult I have ever had in my life.
It is my sincerest hope that the child someday uses his powers for good. |
