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Anyway, a pretty decent day.
Hope your day went well.
Lately, I've been busy setting up localities, districts and regions for the state of Selangor in dmoz's regional categories.
See ya later ...
Oh yea.... I forgot...
Today was pretty nice... wonder about tomarrow though...
What I have to look forward to: Alice, the video game; writing a research paper on the Origin of Absurd Theatre; reconfiguring LILO; getting my sound card to work in Linux.
Me and Bryon's co-op work of fiction was critiqued in class today. Most people didn't get it. :-( I guess it would be hard to get all billion pop culture and literary references that we had in there, and the themes were obtuse, but if the title of one section is Disorientation, do you think it's going to be an easy read? You're gonna have to work.
My friend decided that going to the front door of my house rather than the side door was too much work last night, so I ended up staying up 'til 3:00 A.M. waiting for his sorry ass.
Quote of the day: "Life is like music; it must be composed by ear, feeling, and instinct, not by rule." -- Samuel Butler
We talked a lot, and I noticed that I had more in common with her than anybody else I had ever known. We had many similar thoughts and feelings. As if we were extensions of each others' souls. She gave me a light and I began to slowly crawl out of the dark. Though I tripped and stumbled along the way, she never turned away. She kept me from falling back into the darkness. And I never got to thank her.
I've never been in love before, so I don't know what it feels like. But for about three months I have had this ache in my chest. On the left side. My heart? The doctors say it's nothing. Oh well. What the hell do doctors know.
But now I am alone. It's not a foreign feeling by any means. I've felt it all my life. Though since I've known her, I had hoped I would never feel lonely again. That she would always be a shoulder for me to cry on and I would always be there for her. But she left, and with her left the light of my life. Now I brood in the darkness, more lost than ever before.
I was going to go to college out there. I had just convinced my parents to send me all the way out to California, which was no easy task. I thought maybe I would get the chance to finally meet the face behind the words. But now it seems less and less feasible. We were going to take a trip to San Francisco to meet with a couple other noders, but I was the limiting factor. Not anymore I guess. It might have worked out in the perfect world. But this world is less than perfect. This world is hell. Welcome to my hell.
The more I think about it, she is perfect in every way that matters to me. She was able to tear away the layers of cold indifference I had wrapped myself in for years. I was able to confide in her every little secret I had, serious or stupid, and it would seem so insignificant.
And I was addicted. I was addicted to the way she made me laugh when I was sad. Addicted to the way she would calm me down when I panicked. Addicted to the things she said that really made me think. Addicted to the words we shared. Addicted to the person behind the words. Utterly and hopelessly addicted to this wonderful girl. And then I found out I wasn't alone in my thinking. Even in the darkness, sorrow, and despair I feel, for the rest of my life I will take comfort knowing that she was my light in the darkness and cold. She was the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. She was the beautiful rose petal in a bed of thorns. Good bye. I'll miss you. I'll always remember. Always.
but i'm bored. i am bored of tv, bored of the internet and the mindless babble it holds, bored of no one being there on icq, bored of everything. i'm bored of playing happy housewife and taking care of the people who live here and don't clean up after themselves. i vaccumed. it was gross.
i could go out, christmas shop, but what's the point? that bores me too. i was gonna write long emails to people i owe them to, but they got short, 'cos i got, well, bored. i feel like a kid with ADHD. I have a few of the in my Beaver Colony. i can empathize with them, now more than ever.
i slept all morning because i could, now i've got insomnia and i'm bored
I think that this fiasco will be recorded in the annals of history as the Pain that Would Not End, or perhaps, One Grade-A Cluster Fuck. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to see any of them anymore. I don't hate them. Far from it, I love the big, dumb bastards! I'm just so fucking exhausted...I want it to be over, done with, goooone! I'm tired of looking at their forlorn, little, heartbroken faces. I'm tired of feeling guilty because I'm sad...ARG! I want everything back the way it was. I keep checking EBay for a magic wand, but no luck so far.
I guess I'll just have to find myself a little foxhole and hide out there for a while. I'll keep my eyes to the horizon for the first glimmer of advancing reenforcements. I know they're out there somewhere, but they're sure takin' their sweet-ass time about it.
Finally! I showed signs that I could wake up at 10!
Regrettably I could't get up before 12, so that point was fairly rhetorical.
To do today: Well, I should get my photos from the developing country (Several months worth of photos, looks like the dark part of the year is not a good time), and such.
Time to face the challenges of the day...
Got the pictures... Nothing particularly interesting, it seems, one cool 3D picture of Mikko the plush fox, photo of certain sort of emulation, Some coffee-related pictures for an art project or something, more landscapes, and such.
Most pictures were sort of screwed, because the flash doesn't work at all. Well, GIMP exists just for situations like this =)
Some system whine: Sodipodi seems cool, just that it has one kind of annoying thing: it crashes. Is Sketch the only well-working vector art program for Linux?
Blender 2.0x is still not available as Debian package??? I had some dragon-related ideas last night, but couldn't realize them because I suck at 3D modelling in general...
(I *thought* this was writeup was at +2 at some point, now at -1? OK, here's a hint for the tr0lLz: d0nT d00nW00t d31l0gz, d00dz!!!!1!!1!)
Done bashing through a week's worth of new pictures in Velar... Hmm, what next?
Got JavaCheddarbox to work in Mozilla. Kewl. I just hoped this Motif dependancy would be Dead.
I played a "nice" game of Go against GNU Go. And I lost.
I thought it was impossible to make a Go program that would beat humans. Well, I think I really suck at games... =)
Argh. Hotmail commercials in TV.
(***ng Mozilla lost this thing...)
I wrote a new GIMP tutorial, but that just sucks.
http://www.iki.fi/wwwwolf/things/graphics/gimptut/text_anime.html
E-mail me if that's actually coherent enough for you to follow... I'll then make it much less coherent...
I've never felt this lonely in my whole life. God I need a hug...
Other day logs o' mine...
Noded today by y.t.: Sodipodi
Updated: LinuxFox (since "Cartoon characters I'd like to sleep with" was nuked =)
back | days | forth
I love you guys!
So, I log back onto E2 after some retail therapy and I have 3 messages asking me why I haven't daylogged recently. Awww. I wub ewe all too!
Why haven't I daylogged recently? Well, that is a tale. Well, actually, it isn't; I have been somehow incapable of typing anything this past week. Each time I try to compose anything, be it an email to my beloved, a daylog, or a webpage at work, I have just frozen up. I may type a few lines, or maybe a paragraph, but then I cannot put anything more onto the screen. I've gone through my normal reasons: I need a better keyboard at work, or that my screen needs to be bigger, but I really have no justification for not writing anything. It came to a head today, when I couldn't leave my house to go to work.
I woke up at the normal time and tried to start my daily routine. But something was wrong because after my bath. (in which I stayed for well over an hour) I tried to get dressed and ready to leave the house, but it was as though I had been transported back in time about 4 years: I couldn't leave the house. After a road accident I was left with a long recuperation and a intermittently bad case of agoraphobia. Well, today it returned with a vengeance. I tried, I really tried to get my boots on and start the 45 minute walk to work, but instead I found myself phoning mark and telling him that I wouldn't be in today, I was sick and my leg was hurting. Well, that was a lie. How can I phone in sick and tell them that I am feeling too scared to leave the house?
So, I made myself a large cup of tea, and sat down at the 'puter. As I logged on, my fiancee katyana was there. I really needed some TLC at this point in time. We talked, and via a rather twisted route, I admitted that I was scared to go outside.
I will hazard a guess that noders who are in a relationship will recognise this: As soon as I told her my fears, they evaporated. I'm sorry if I am offending the miserable contingent of E2, but she has helped me to grow, even in the short time I have known her. Dana, I love you so much, thank you for being there today.
So, still feeling a little weird, I went outside to see what the world was doing. I ended up at Currys, an electrical superstore and bought a new cordless phone to speak to my beloved with, and a new VCR that plays both US and UK VHS tapes. Of course, this means that I have some more debt, but curiously I don't care one wit. I am just happy to have left the house today. I look back on the times I would hide under the covers of my bed shaking with fear because I had to go to physiotherapy or had been invited to the cinema, I never, ever want to go through that kind of disability again.
Hmm, so back to the point. Why haven't I noded recently? I have just been empty, devoid of interesting discourse. (if you can call the above interesting :-)
I can only hope that I can get some work done tomorrow...
Being a computer geek, I try to keep my stock interests in the field that I am around every waking moment of my life. This also has been lucrative. Now that there seems to be a clear winner in the election the market is making a strong come back. I have also been looking over other areas of investment. Cisco, Transmeta, Hewlett Packard, Dell, and Gateway are just a few of the ones I have been considering. My options are many, but my actual decisions will be few. If you have any ideas, I'd be glad to listen, if any of you others know something I don't.
OTOH have you ever come to work and knew in the first few minutes that you were going to have a shitty day? I'm having that experience right now.... I hate that.
Well, I guess that it could have been worse...I could have had my ship bombed by the Japanese or something like that...
This would be day three of my nifty little illness. It is getting worse after I thought that I was finally kicking it. I have not been able to miss any work due to it, of course, since I had planned to take off Saturday so I can go to some little shindig for my boyfriend's dot.com, some kind of Christmas thing, where I have to pretend that I like people and possibly get very drunk just to mask the fact that there are other people there.
I do not think that I was able to get more than 20 consecutive minutes of sleep at all last night. I wore my watch solely for that purpose - to see what time it is when I am waking up yet again/lying in bed staring at the ceiling/rolling over and annoying the significant other for the thirtieth time of the night. He got angry at me because I kept coughing and he told me to go into the bathroom and take some Robitussin. I took enough to make me want to puke and came back to bed. It didn't help. He didn't notice.
I finally gave up at 6:00 in the morning. I got out of bed and into the shower. One hour later, I was in my badly-behaving car on the 30 minute commute to school. In between attempting to sing in my temporarily hoarse voice along to 764-HERO and praying to the road gods that my car make it all the way into town, the heater finally started working. One spot of brightness on such a day.
Yes, I skipped my first class. Again. It was just final review anyway, and I am going to fail that one for sure. Instead I sat on the box over the air intake and read stories by Philip K. Dick all morning. Then I came to the computer lab and noded around for awhile.
I have been up forever already and it is only 10:00 in the morning...here is to hoping that my brain will cooperate with me today and I will not convince myself that this cold is a terminal illness like I do every day, or that my car will not break down on the interstate, or that my manager does not yell at me because the people that I manage are stupid...I am doing all I can to keep this day as well from living in infamy.
Seriously, I don't feel old or anything remotely like it. I dunno whether it's diet, genetics or right mindfulness but haven't been this psyched since I turned 21. Having an absolutely angelic baby may have something to do with it...
So to all you who are nervous about the prospect, I say Fear Not.
Okay, I may not be moving. (positive thoughts: I will, I will, I will.) I can easily afford my new apartment, but the landlord is concerned, because it's above the magical "30% of gross income" rule that all the credit guidelines seem to have conspired upon. Damnit, that assumes that the average person (a) has a car and (b) needs 15% of their income to discharge credit card debt. Maybe the average person does, but I don't. I sent him a good letter. I think it was a good letter. The building manager thought it was good. I hope that satisfies him; the apartment I want to switch to is pretty sweet. (hyuk hyuk, sweet, suite.. nevermind. shut up.)
Everything I-Ching tells me to wait patiently and accept what comes, but the Wanderer gives me hope.
I can't believe I'm consulting the Everything I-Ching. I'm so panicked up about this. I'm going to go meditate in the staff bathroom now.
Maybe EDB will co-sign. He doesn't have any income, but he's pretty convincing.
I walked around some more and Rosalie came in to the building. We walked and talked for a while and finally went in to where we were supposed to take our test. During the test I realized that this is my last day with her. I turned in my test and hugged my teacher goodbye. For everyone else that went up to her to hug her she always stayed in her seat. When I went up there, she got up and hugged me, then sat back down. As I left she called me a cutie pie.
I waited outside 3 minutes while Rosalie finished. We walked out talking some more, I know I'll miss her. Before she started walking off to her car I felt no guts to ask for her phone number because I enjoy spending time and talking with her. She starts walking to her car and said, "Have a nice day!" I yelled back, "Have a nice life!" She gives me a look as though she was saying, "I can't believe he just said that."
I got in my car and drove home. On the way home my ex floods my thoughts. I cried as I listened to Sheryl Crow sing "My Favorite Mistake" and "Tomorrow Never Dies."
I get home and log on to node about my day so far. I get IMed by a bunch of people so I am bothered as I do this. My best friend, whom I now call my lil' bro, IM's me about him asking some girl out. I gave him advice and he's on his way now.
