I'm constantly frustrated by my inability to express myself:
I'm unable to be serious because I am afraid I will not be taken seriously.
I'm unable to be honest because I'm afraid of what I would hear if people were honest with me.
I'm unable to talk about my inner self because I'm afraid people will not like what they find there.
It's easier to be lighthearted than serious.
It's easier to be funny than honest.
It's easier to be joking than wrong.
KEEP YOUR GUARD UP. This is the first lesson I learned. Is it any wonder I'm so good at it?
Suffer in silence. This was the second lesson I learned. It has another name: Keep smiling. It sounds nicer but these are the very same thing.
I want to believe that all my fellow cynics and jokers are the same way. We are our own defenses against the world. The world breaks everyone but the breaking doesn't hurt so much when you are laughing. But then you take down your defenses
and everyone is laughing but you.
Someday I will learn and I will speak
symphonies of words, without jokes and without a trace of an ironic smirk on my face. It will be a struggling, stilted attempt at honesty, but it will be beauty, honesty, and truth without regard for consequence. They will be my words and they will come from my heart.
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