Near Matches
Ignore Exact
Full Text
Christmaster 2000
created by
Alpheus
(
thing
) by
Alpheus
(1 wk)
(
print
)
?
(
I like it!
)
1
C!
Thu Jan 25 2001 at 21:26:04
We here at
BlackRage
know that you live a sedentary lifestyle, spending most of your time clawing your way through the
internet
, trying to find a
glimmer
of hopeful meaning in your sad sad life. This probably means that your body has the consistency, roughly, of
cookie-dough
.
We also know that while
Jebus
loves all God's children, he most certainly DOES NOT love a
fatty
.
To get yourself back in the good graces of Jebus (and the
pants
of the opposite sex) we're proud to introduce the latest craze in home
exercise
, THE CHRISTMASTER 2000!
THE LEGACY
"
Got any tape? 'Cuz I'm ripped!
" Comments like these could have been heard coming from the mouth of that most holy
muscle-beach
icon,
Jesus Christ
himself. He allowed equal parts time for
exorcism
and exercise, and so should you! Our man Jesus wasn't afraid of a little hard work, and as the gospel of
Thomas
testifies, the entire world is the temple of Jesus... and that includes your flabby body, buck-o! On Sunday, you should be in the
judeo-christian
church of your choice, flexing your spiritual muscle; but three times a week, you should be working hard to remake
yourself
in the image of the Cut Christ... history dictates that those
washboard abs
you see on the
crucifix
came at the cost of only 20 minutes a day, three days a week!
HOW IT WORKS
Some youth and
church camp
s like to re-enact
the Trial of Jesus
wherein he carried his own large, heavy wooden cross to
Golgotha
. Little do these ministries know that they are also teaching good exercise habits! No cross-carrying will be a trial once enrolled in the CHRISTMASTER 2000 Cross Training Program!
The function is simple: Once you recieve the CHRISTMASTER 2000, three days a week for
twenty
minutes a day, all you have to do is carry the CHRISTMASTER 2000 around on your back! The simplicity of this program allows you the freedom to use the CHRISTMASTER 2000 anywhere: a few laps around the
house
, while
hitting
the track, or even in YOUR VERY OWN
LIVING ROOM
! Only $149.99 each!
Coming soon: Jamming For Jesus with
Amy Grant
! Workout with your CHRISTMASTER 2000 to the Christ-lovin' pop songs of this
Diocese
Diva
!
UNMATCHED, STYLISH VARIETY
You can get your very own CHRISTMASTER 2000 in any one of EIGHT CUSTOM DESIGNS!
And for you non-christians out there, don't think we've left you out! We've got TWO machines specifically for you
dirty heathen
s!
For the
Blessed Be
es in our purchasing audience, we proudly offer the DIRTY
PAGAN
MASTER 2000! This functions exactly like the ChristMaster, but with one small setback... it's made out of Solid
Silver!
So not only do you have to pay more than our good
Christian
customers, but you have to suffer more to achieve true bodily harmony. But hell, at least the Cut Christ will approve of one aspect of your
sandalwood
-stinking existence! Only $665.95!
And for our
Jewish
fans, we give you the JEWMASTER 5760! But this is a special deal: you
kill
ed him, so you get to suffer the most! Your JEWMASTER 5760 is made of
SOLID 24k GOLD
and weighs a little over 2 and a half
ton
s! Sure, the shipping price is insane, but send a real message of apology to
The Jebus
... come and get it yourself! Then carry it back home! Not only will you need a
band-aid
(because you'll be fucking CUT by the time you get to
temple
) but this will buy your way into the true christian
heaven
for sure! Then laugh at all your heathen friends. And yes, you have to keep carrying it on
Sabbath
until you get home! Only $12,900!
Stay tuned for the latest
innovation
in low-impact toning programs: The Christ-Trac! And remember to SWEAT AWAY YOUR SIN with BlackRage!
Lord does NOT love a fatty. In fact, he laughs at you.
ORDER NOW
!
printable version
chaos
Jebus
The BlackRage Organization
Nobody fucks with the Jesus
Did Jesus Have A Pimply Nose?
What did Jesus look like?
Jesus did not say this; it represents the perspective of a later or different tradition
The Jesus Diet
The Lardyboy Colonator 5000
Love
Y'know, if you
log in
, you can write something here, or contact authors directly on the site.
Create a New User
if you don't already have an account.
Login
Password
remember me
password reminder
register
Everything2 Help
What you are reading:
Saxony
Noetherian
Esperanto
Yezidi
Did Ronald Reagan end the Cold War?
yobidashi
Spike Milligan
Multiplier effect
Burning Mouth Syndrome
Pizza dough
deliciously oily
Important Landmark Cases in Educational Law
Robotron 2084
antigravpussy
One fly amongst many
(
person
)
sam512
Moon Base Shackleton, 1978
(
fiction
)
Pavlovna
toy boy
(
person
)
XWiz
tear jerker
(
review
)
Heitah
Anarchy is Order
(
idea
)
jessicaj
July 26, 2008
(
dream
)
Berek
ABBA
(
person
)
devolution
k-hole
(
place
)
Nadine_2
The Sound Of Madness
(
review
)
SwimmingMonkey
Conversations with Fo Fo, the Loneliest dog in Purgatory
(
fiction
)
locke baron
lynx
(
thing
)
Simulacron3
Reality, Dimensions and the Natural Ontology
(
essay
)
SubSane
Making Love to a 9-Foot Woman
(
person
)
Ouzo
Thoughts
(
idea
)
antigravpussy
I fall silent, listening. The breadcrumbs are talking about us
(
person
)
This page courtesy of
The Everything Development Company
