Bollywood

Let's start, however, with the more troubling and sinister aspects of Bollywood: its links with the underworld (as in the mafia, not Hades, although given the quality of some recent films I wouldn't be surprised...). A full discussion of Bollywood's criminal side would require thousands of pages of information so I'll just throw up some ideas.

• In 2000 the joint commissioner of Bombay police, D. Shivanandan announced that a notorious film producers, Bharat Shah had financed the (now) controversial film "Chori Chori Chupke Chupke" with money straight from the underworld.
• From what I understand, it works like this. Most of the money that is used to make films comes from illegal sources. Secondly, if a film becomes successful, then for absolutely no reason producers may find themselves approached by the mafia who demand money or the overseas distribution rights to said film. Otherwise they threaten to kill the producer/actor/director of the film.
• Many Bollywood producers have links with Chotta Shakeel, an underworld boss who is wanted in connection with the 1993 Bombay bombings.

The Guardian says, "In 1997, Bollywood music baron Gulshan Kumar was assassinated by a hit squad in Bombay (now renamed Mumbai) city centre. Last Tuesday, Merchant, an assassin employed by India's most feared gangland boss, Chotta Shakeel, was remanded in police custody. He has now confessed to receiving 100,000 rupees (almost £1,500) from Shakeel as the first instalment for the murder of the music baron. His confession taints a film industry respected the world over for promoting family values. In the past 20 years, Bombay has expanded into the world's leading provider of cinematic escapism: a £14 billion behemoth, churning out nearly 900 films a year and easily outpunching Hollywood."

It goes on to say, "The film-underworld connection has claimed lives. In 1997, film producer Mukesh Duggal was shot dead in Bombay; He was reputed to have borrowed money from another gang boss, Chotta Rajan, to finance his features. Police believe this led to his murder at the hands of Shakeel, in a revenge killing. In the same year, director Rajiv Rai survived a murder attempt, and last February, producer Rakesh Roshan was shot and injured after he refused to pay protection money to racketeers."

Basically, dirty money runs Bolywood.

But to be honest, I couldn't care less. What gets to me is the tat it churns out every year, rarely coming out with anything original. In the past few years there have been maybe two good films: "Lagaan", and "Dil Chaata Hai". "Lagaan" is described well in its own node, and "Dil Chaata Hai" also broke the mould a bit with a proper storyline and a refusal to follow the herd.

Yet you would not believe the actual quantity of shite there is. I recently saw "Kaante", which is an Indian remake of "Reservoir Dogs". Yet it had to include singing and dancing. It was pathetic. It included none of Tarantino's funny dialogue or stylish directing. The script was poor, the acting was wooden and the cinematography was laughable.

Then, last year, I saw something I'll never forget - I was watching an Indian film called "Aawara Pagal Deewana," and it was a clear copy of "The Whole Nine Yards." Of course, they had to turn it into a goddamn pseudo-musical as with all Bollywood films, and include cheesy slapstick humour and a slightly odd love story involving class differences.

Then, out of nowhere, in the middle of the film, a guy wearing a trench coat (played by Akshay Kumar) walked into the lobby of a building. The next ten minutes was a shot-for-shot remake of "The Matrix" lobby scene. Just out of nowhere. It looked out of place and hilariously funny for the wrong reasons. It was done badly. It was a rip off. It wasn't even ironic. The scene was shoved into the movie to show that hey, Bollywood is 'with it' as well. We can be just as cool as those Americans, really, we can!

Maybe the sad thing is that the scene was lapped up by a stupid domestic market who thought it was original and stylish.

The plots are predictable and clichéd. No-one feels confident enough to stop making commercial films that pander to the idiotic bunch of cinema goers and really make a point or a good, creative film that doesn't feel the need to include ten songs and a love story.

And that's our problem - you see, the reason people in the west like Bollywood films is that they see some sort of camp, ironic value in them, but they were made without any of this irony or kitsch-ness. See a scene where the hero is wearing a skin T-shirt with a giant Armani logo on it? Well that's meant to be cool, not some kind of post-modern ironic nod to consumer culture. And it boils down to the fact that Bollywood movies are made for the masses, and I'm sick of it. As an Indian it's tarnishing the reputation of my country. Why can't we come up with an Indian version of, say, "Fight Club" or even "Being John Malkovich?" Why?