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Blood is a good measure of pain
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Thu May 30 2002 at 21:50:26
Their silences are different ones
They sit by the bus station. In silence.
Their silences are different ones
. It's happened a million times before - a small argument turns into a big deal. A long silence. In the evening he'll say he's sorry. And she'll remember the silence. And he'll remember the seething, the anger, the blocking out of feeling. The
shutting off
. It's the only solution. He tosses his keys into the
middle of the road
. He doesn't care if they get run over. No, that's a
lie
. He wants them to be run over. He wants her to see he doesn't care. He wants her to know he's not well. It's not a
cry for help
. He wants her to leave him. He wants her to leave him so that he'll suffer. This is what
self-loathing
really is. She asks him "
Are you crazy?
" "Yes," he replies. Once they are run over by a car, he picks them up. He doesn't look to see if a car is coming. She gets on the bus.
He hasn't cried in a year
They sit in silence. He is seething. His throat is stuffed.
He hasn't cried in a year
. He has blocked himself off. He wants to hurt himself. He digs his fingernails into his palm, until he feels the blood come out. She has no idea that he's doing this. Maybe he'll tell her
next time
. No. But he'll let her see, and she'll ask him, and he'll explain, matter of factly. He just dug his fingernails into his palm until they bled, what's the big deal?
until his knuckles bleed
She never had any idea. She never will. She can never
understand
. She will never understand why he takes off his
safey belt
and drives way too fast. She will never understand why he punches the walls
until his knuckles bleed
. Blood is a good measure of pain.
She waits for him
She used to ask him to talk to her when he shut himself off. She tried to change him, knowing that their love was more powerful than anything. They didn't talk on the phone for
two hours
once. Just sat there. Can you imagine. She waited for him. Waited on a silent phone line. He broke down in the end and told her he loved her. She knows how to handle it now.
She waits for him
to come out of it. He will. He always has.
printable version
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