Bad Wedding ideas

That was then. Somewhere in between then and now, weddings suddenly went from "a nice party, like Christmas, but in the spring", to somewhere between a coronation, an honor-yourself beauty pageant, a no-rules game show, and a Broadway musical. Whereas once it was considered very creative to leave out the word "obey" in the wedding vows for the woman, and it was a bit nouveau to include music intended for operas in church, now we have all manner of bizarre ceremonies, overly elaborate menus, and crass rituals masquerading as "a proper wedding".

Here are some Very Bad Ideas, and why they are such, even though they might be popular.

1. "After all, it's my wedding."
   This is usually invoked by the bride to justify putting both families in debt, offending the tastes of well, just about anyone in sight, and acting like a spoiled princess if anything goes wrong. No, it's not, really. Your parents (in theory) are giving this party; you are the guest of honor, and should behave accordingly. If you are giving the party, remember as a hostess, that your duty is to your guests. You've got a lot of people here, several generations, and two families that should leave on reasonably good terms. Therefore, think of them first. Oh, yes, do leave on time. Yes, I know you'd love to stay all night. But your guests can't leave until you do.
2. Sexy wedding dresses.
   Yes, you want to look good. But walking around flashing your boobs is well, kind of redundant when you've already landed the guy. Try for prim, or at least sweet. After all, you may not be virginal, but you can at least seem to have unrealized potential.
3. Hitting people up for money.
   Yes, I know about a whole boatload of customs from various places: the purse, the money dance, the shoe auction, etc. That's OK, if you're a) from that particular ethnic group and b) are going to hold the wedding in the style of that group, no shower (which is a Dutch Colonial innovation, to take the place of a dowry) or other gifts asked of the guests. (Remember, you aren't going to be asked to provide proof of virginity the morning after, and very likely are going to duck having a Shivaree, as well. Count your blessings.) Along with this, there are such Bad Ideas as getting various concerns to "sponsor" the wedding, having a cash bar, etc. If you can't afford the wedding, you'll have to scale back (and if you can't fathom why, you're too young to be married).
4. Hitting your spouse up for money.This includes bickering about the size of the engagement ring. An engagement ring is a gift, not an inalienable right. Formulae such as "two month's salary" are not sanctified by social etiquette, but by jewelers who know a good thing when they see it. Be modest, and the time may come that you'll have the ring of your dreams...for your anniversary.
5. "We want to personalize our wedding."
   Mostly, tinkering with established standards is hazardous -- yes it's a lovely idea to have a wedding in the Scots tradition, if you've got ancestors or relatives in that country, but not if your relatives are Chinese. Deciding, just off the cuff, to throw quotes from Kalil Gibran and the Desiderata into the service, along with your favorite pop songs makes the occasion kind of hard to follow...does "We've Only Just Begun" come before the exchange of haiku, or is it after the body painting? And the dove and butterfly release, and this unity candle thing is touching, but isn't it a little um, presumptuous? So is making little speeches about how you really feel about your spouse -- you aren't going to be saying much that's original, if you're in love, and no one wants to hear if you're not. If everyone comes away with a memory of a nice day, no one will forget who you are.
6. Too many doodads.
   Yes, it's nice to have party favors, and all the little bundles of white Jordan almonds look cute, especially with those silver porcelain-look wedding bells around the necks of the bicolor net bags, and wedding bubbles are fun, and kind to the pigeons and all, and well, you just wouldn't want a wedding that didn't have personalized napkins and matchboxes for people who still smoke, and gee, the wedding planner was talking about how everyone's going to need a little box to put their take-home slice of cake in...
   Athem. Let's get this straight. Is this a grown-up event, with some dozens of people attending, or a gala kids' birthday party for as many guests as your age, plus one? As much as you cherish the notion that everyone's going to sigh with nostalgia every time they look at the little plastic bell, most of the time there's no real way to store or display otherwise worthless doohickeys in a normal apartment or home. Also, every extra doodad, no matter how cheap, is going to have to be multiplied n-fold. It does add up. Think: would you rather that they remember your wedding for your really great courtesy and hospitable nature, or for the really great Jordan almonds?
7. Ducking out of thank-you notes.
   OK, so you never sent them as a kid, and maybe you managed to get a job without them. And you're in a four-star luxury resort in an exotic part of the globe, having hot and steamy sex every night and engaging in guilt-free drinking, dancing, gorging, active sports and sightseeing, and you are living a life the Gods would envy. Sorry. You're just going to have to hunker down with a stack of little white cards and envelopes, and learn to write a dozen variations on "Thank you for <example> the lovely Louis XVI antique silver churn</example>. I'm sure it will be useful, and have a place of pride in our home." while hoping the store will take it back without a sales slip. Life is hard, dying is easy, and there's no wiggle room. Those nifty preprinted cards you can leave at each person's place (so they can sign and mail it to themselves), sending out bulk laserprinted generic thank-you notes, and the like are not only cheesy, but insulting. Remember, about half of these people are people with whom you're going to want to leave a good impression. A handwritten note or letter (five minutes to fire off, a minute to address and stamp the envelope) can make the difference between "Oh, certainly I'd love to ...(take your youngest for a weekend, loan you the condo, help you in your new business...)" and "Well, I don't know, I'm a little tied up right now..." later. (This goes double if you're in the we-never-write-we-phone set.) After all, it's their family too.
8. "Ever since I was a child, I wanted a fairy-tale wedding."
   You're not one now, and fairy tales are fiction. Just look at Charles and Diana. Come to think of it, most weddings in fairy tales are usually the beginnings of disaster.
9. "It's the happiest day of your life."
   Oh, really? Gee, being married must be really boring...

To expand on a few of these:

• There's a good social reason to leave the reception sooner rather than later: staying conveys the message that you and your new spouse would prefer to spend the first hours after having your relationship finally recognized by God with a large group of people rather than somewhere you can get some privacy*. You're not going to fool your friends, but is this something you want to tell your mother?
• Your wedding is already personalized. After all, it's your names that are on the program. Writing your own wedding vows is never a good idea; at best, it's neutral. You can, as teleny notes, take out "obey," but when you write your own, it makes your guests wonder what else you're doing that's weird. People take for granted that if you're getting married, chances are at least one of you is in love, and they will probably find it more offensive than charming if you imply your love is better or specialer than anyone else's. Do not confuse special and unique. At least with the traditional vows, no one will snicker when if you get a divorce.
• Sensible people do not judge the strength of your commitment by how much you spend on the wedding, how many guests you have, or how elaborate the whole thing is. If your mother is not sensible and thus expects you to have a big wedding with all the trimmings, she can pay for it.

In general, remember what the purpose is. It's not to have a big party. It's not to brag about how in love you are (that's what the engagement period is for). It's to publicly declare your commitment to each other in front of the community and any deity or deities you feel you need to involve. Keep that focus in mind when you plan Your Day.

*This is true even of Jewish weddings, where there's a tradition of yichud, or allowing the couple a few minutes alone immediately after the ceremony.