Today I realised people here on everything are pretty afraid of 'nothing'. They fear the totally absence of sense and nobody ever bothered to talk about Nietsche.
The sad news were a lot of car accidents here in Belgium ..
Friday was okay ... we had a bit of trouble finding ganga - seems that everyone here is going dry. Sadness ... None the less, I was cool with it. Unfortunately, my roommate was NOT. I love her, but the girl is seriously psychologically addicted to weed. Understandable, considering her past (she just kicked coke and crank by herself two years ago AND she's had some horrible shit happen to her that she's never dealt with), but still not too pretty.
It also did not help that her boyfriend has been out of town for the last two weeks. She broke down Friday, crying that she doesn't feel like she connects with anyone here except him anymore, and she feels really lonely.
I WANT to try to help her, but I have to remember that, if we aren't really good friends anymore, it's on her shoulders. She's the one who moved in with me and then ignored me for six months, who ditched me at EVERY OPPORTUNITY for her boyfriend. And I'm supposed to be her best friend, except for her boyfriend ... which is scary for her.
Anyway, she ended up ok and her boyfriend came back the next day, so that was good (and not good) for her.
Last night, we went out to a rave about 35 miles away. I really don't dig the candy raver scene (and, at every rave, there is a candy raver scene), but I love the music and I like the vibe of raves. Unlike rock or punk shows, pretty much everyone there is in a good (even euphoric) mood. They're just there to dance and have fun. I like that.
Raves kind of remind me of being a kid again. There aren't as many issues as we have to deal with as adults, there isn't the anger.
I needed that rave, that break, the release of dancing for four hours without stopping. Thank God for the party people ...
Around me, my world is transformed into rubble and rain, dust and darkness. I clutch to a section of tumbling concrete, and onto this one stone I project my anger and wounded love. This bridge... her cracks and spots are each an empty promise, and each pebble carries the smirking face of betrayal.
"She is dying as well," rings my heart, flattered that its own destruction was worth such sacrifice. If I was indeed sold, why not obtain some sense of satisfaction from the high price? There is no lack of honor in the words "We make this final journey together."
Laughing, the tumbling pieces shriek, "Ah, but I will be built again!" and every trace of that which once held me high instantly crumbles to dust, becoming part of the air itself. Even held firmly in my hands, my slab of concrete disintegrates into a fine mist.
Alone I fall. In this seemingly perpetual state of change, my mind remains static, clinging to a solitary thought: fear of that change. The waters below silently wait for me, as tempestous as the storm itself, and as indecipherable as a monolithic wall.
The churning waves, moved to fury by the hurricane's howling winds, seem a tapestry of black and white, no more transparent than the soil and clay I molded as a child.
But now, I am the clay. I feel the sting of the crests of the waves. The sea's outstretched arms are eager to mold me.
Or to pull me down.
Yesterday | Dizzy->Day_Logs() | Tomorrow
I didn't have much sleep as I am still in pain from my ear infection. It's unfair that I have to wait until Thursday before I can see my doctor and get referred to specialist. Seeing a specialist doctor can be a problem here in the UK; unless you mention you have private health cover the doctor will be reluctant to add you to the NHS' vast wating lists. Free health care is good, but can take too long...
The weather has matched my mood today; it is overcast and slightly drizzly without actually raining. There's no real chance of rain - it's just a dreary Monday.
I couldn't face walking all the way to work today so I caught a bus for half of the trip. The bus driver gave me an uninterested and annoyed look when I asked for a destination that wasn't in the town centre. I'm sorry, did I make you think for a second?
The bus passed a man my age standing at a road junction. He was wearing roller skates and had a haunted, disgusted, harried and angry look on his craggy face. I wonder what the story behind him is?
I hate myself for being productive, for giving in and being a good corporate bunny, for not standing my ground and doing what I want.
Mental Note: Sex is not Love
today was monday. the first day of another school week. ack, i'm institutionalized and it's bloody frightening. at least i know it's not healthy to become comfortable with the scheduled life, or at least know that there's got to be something more out there in the wide world. i'm stuck in limbo; somewhere between wanting to finally leave school, and having utter fear of starting over.
so many people complain that they are looking for themselves. well, i've got the opposite anxiety. i'm scared of losing myself. i define myself according to the people in my life, and when i sense i am growing apart from them, i think that i'm going to forget who i am.
Morning.
I realized that the VideoScape3D format that Blender can export really is as easy or even easier to use than what I remembered. Dammit, I think I'll code that loader someday.
I decided that I'll use C++ this time. I haven't written C++ proggies for ages. Java rocks.
So hmm, some problems:
Oh ghod, what did I write last night to Usenet? Well, I quote:
<william-gibson>Pure flim flam flied to the Use/Net in enormous bursts of data as even distribution on all wavelengths of spectrum, like the white noise of untuned TV channel that decoded from the video card input socket of Lankinen's cyberdeck.</william-gibson>
Dunno, that's my general "feel" of the writing style of "Neuromancer", and that's an awkward translation of the original that was in Finnish.
I don't know. I still don't exactly know what the book was really about. I've got to read it 4th time someday. Gibson wrote in stream of consciousness-related style at the times, generating wonderful imagery. Just don't force me to make completely rational sense out of it. God I'm stupid.
For you Gibson lovers there: Actually, it's a translation of a text that appeared in a computer joke book - a parody called "Wiljam Gibbon: Neuronmancer".
(Damn, the university workstation clocks still say silly times like 15:32... I wonder if oulu.fi has a haywire NTP server somewhere?)
I went to the lair of the BOFHs, and shivered. Almost grovelled before them, but these divine beings apparently didn't care of my lack of etiquette. So now I have my password again... 1.2 megs of mail to read... Sheesh! Well, most of it was from mailing lists and spammers anyway.
In introduced a friend of mine to the wonders of Usenet. =)
I tested how well this new machine rips paranoidly and how fast it encodes Ogg/Vorbis. All I can say: DAMN FAST. I mean, this CD drive actually rips data and doesn't read same spot 2000 times (quite an improvement over my previous nominally-ATAPI drive), and, duh, 600 MHz processors tend to be pretty fast with number crunching... =) Just that there ought to be a Pentium-optimized binary for vorbize in Debian. I mean, who encodes Ogg/Vorbis with anything less than Pentium? How long will it take to encode a normal-sized tune with a 486? =)
Other day logs o' mine...
Monday. It's funny how much that means to almost everyone except for us 6 million here in Israel. For almost all of you, Sunday is the day to look forward to, and Monday is dreaded. Here Monday means squat. Then again, everyone I know hates working. I love it. I just got my first gig in ages. My drummer friend called me, and we are playing on Wednesday. It's been almost a year, I think. It totally sucks being a musician, and a jazz musician at that. Even the best players in Israel are having a hard time making ends meet.
A friend of mine went to a Mike Stern concert in New York, and he said that Stern carried his own equipment, as did his musicians. How low is that? When silly boy bands make millions, and don't even sing on stage, (yes, newsflash: it's all lip-synching). All they do is practice their childish dance routines and prance around, pretending to sing, while people like Mike Stern have to carry their amps to night clubs. How unfair is that? And I'm hoping to make it out there.
I think I'd better stick to Computer Science. Then again, what am I crying about? I got a gig. That's what I practiced so hard all these years for. That's what I live for. I think I'll go and practice my bass, if you'll excuse me.
Last night I had a good time, my parents threw a party. Don't scoff friends, of all the parties I've been to, nothing compares to a party at my folks house. Dad will spend hours on the grill, makin' BBQ, and mom will start makin' drinks, and continue to do so until everyone is drunk as hell.
It may not show, but despite what I've been through the last couple of weeks, I'm doing pretty damn good.
sometimes i feel really lonely.. just racked by my own personal demons.. my friends are there.. but i dont want to bring them down.. shrinks are paid good money to hear my woes, worries, fears, conclusions.. i keep retreating into my own locked away world.. i have this lifeline.. my friends.. to the outside world.. i keep things like this.. and other projects where i bare my soul.. but its a selfish act.. it's for me.. i need to let the world know i still feel.. and what i am feeling.. as true as i can express it in this medium.. "don't hate me for stupid stuff.. hate me for my selfishness.. my insecurities.. my flaws" i wanna let it out.. but i'm so scared no one is listening.. someone to tell me if i am right, wrong, silly, naive. stupid.. someone who will tell me the truth.. not what i want to hear.. not something to just hurt me i feel guilty and petty.. i have people who i believe when they say "you can talk to me".. but i dont.. because part of me fears they will just write it off.. or they are just saying that.. i believe they are genuine.. yet that inner fear is a really hard thing to knock.. the pressures from the outside sources are really hard.. but bearable.. but when im like this.. i just constantly shrink more and more.. my stregnth fading fast.. i need to get away.. but to where.. inside myself some more.. i think anyone would agree that won't make things better.. i hate this.. i know i am strong.. yet i feel so weak.. of course when i need to be strong the most.. ive made it through a lot worse with ease.. i think part of whats draining me is the slow toll its all taking.. no quick downward spiral.. also.. when ive been strong in the past.. anything in the past.. i was a lot more resillient.. age has slowed me down in that aspect.. i am a lot more cautious.. because i know i don't bounce back like i used to.. god i sound 50.. f this.. i need to kick my own ass.. blah blahjkdwhfkwjehfwoei2pqlkdlds
I had a bad spaz attack earlier.. fucking neuroses.. but OPHIE RULES.. I can not stress this enough.. she is amazing.. and i really do owe her so much.. just for being her.. nevermind for being there for me.. I am much better now.. yay.. yayayayay!
Fellow noders, imagine my delight when that very configuration of events occurred this morning.
I sat down at my desk hoping to wake gently with a cup of coffee while checking my XP. I was to be gravely disappointed.
Having been told that there would be a meeting that the M.D. would "sit in on" everyone in the room became nervous - dashing around almost tripping over their own feet in their haste to cover their backs.
I heard a couple of my superiors discussing the provision of donuts and coffee. This immediately aroused my suspicions - clearly some kind of carrot, which would undoubtedly be offset by a particularly large and malodorous stick.
I work for a large "Blue Chip" company, and if the Team (hey, remember guys, There's no "I" in Team) isn't performing, we are often gathered together to have our ears filled with sick corporate management speak.
I learned this morning that as a team we have failed to achieve our target of spending 33.3% of our working day thinking outside the box and 12.6% of our total energy expended in life looking at the bigger picture. Our going live with the planning of solutions via the pooling together of ideas has also been somewhat of a disappointment.
The crowning glory of this motivational tactic was that the the big cheese did indeed provide donuts and coffee - and then used the opportunity of our mouths being full to tell us how much we suck.
-"Here, have a donut"
-"Oh, thanks"
-"Come on, everyone get a donut"
-"Ooh, okay, lovely"
-"Look at you useless fuckers, sitting there stuffing your faces with donuts, and drinking coffee. You make me sick..."
I smirked my way through most of this.
It was noticed.
At any given time there are at least 50,000 items in Interpol's Stolen Works of Art Database.Italy, France and the Czech Republic are the countries with the most art theft.Paintings and sculptures account for 50% of all art stolen.Rembrandt is the artist with works most likely to be stolen.
Most recent missing: Chairs, candlesticks and banners from a church in England Two 20th century colorful sculptures from Germany
Most recent recovered: "The Gateway" a 1951 Lowry painting stolen and found in London A 15th century Icon of Saint Boris and Saint Gleb - stolen in Russia, recovered in Germany
-It's a fact
scource: Interpol FAQ
You gained experience! You have 97 writeups left until Level 5. You have 2 Cools left today. You have 27 votes left today. You feel like a drill is going through your skull bookmark!
Saturday I became very impressed by Red Hat's ability to recognize the fact that I installed a new Voodoo 3 into my machine, set up X, and send me on my merry old way. MAD PROPS, Red Hat!
Stayed in that night, farted around the apartment while the roommate and our mutual friends were out.
Yesterday, got up, had a day, had a headache, had perhaps one of my most cared-for experiences happen to me. After watching Sweet and Lowdown with her, I was nearly immobilized by a bad headache. I said to her, "i really don't feel well, and just want to lie down...." Rather than take that as a clue to leave, she insisted on putting me to bed and falling asleep next to me. Sometime during the night, she left (due to the obligation of work, amongst other things). But she cared enough to lay with me while I was hurting. Wow.
Since I finally sucked it up and decided to see a professional for these recurring headaches (read: 6-7 days a week), I figured that I should keep a log of what happened, to see if there's any behavioural patterns. Here's for yesterday:
sunday aug 13 2000 ---- eaten: 11ish am: slice pizza/water milk throughout day 430pm: chicken breast, salad, baked potato, water, 1 glass white wine, chips/salsa 930pm: chips/salsa, milk, stouffer's cheese pizza headache started around 10pm, BAD by 1145. behaviour: video games in the morning, approx 930-11am computer usage, reading, etc throughout rest of day driving to chicago, 230pm hanging with julie/tom, 315pm-715ish home 740ish quick computer use, a little video games she got there 815ish, drove to store shopping, went to blockbuster felt it coming round 940, ate some food started movie round 10:10 bed around 12, not feeling good at all. lights hurt my eyes, although i could think clearly. treatment: took 1 excedrin at approx 10:45. theories: watching movie? late side-effect of wine? laying on the couch (head not elevated)?
I guess you never know what you're going to get out of life... looks like I get headaches.
I'm writing this early since I need a break from the shite.
Taking Friday off was a bad idea I guess. I needed the time off, but I have so much work to do now. I had 14 voice mails from customers, 44 new requests for help, and 22 requests "in progress". Ugh. What a big mess. I've been diligently working my way through it, as I do not want to leave a big mess for someone else. The fact of the matter is that if I don't get some help or the new person doesn't get some help, we're going to have a big fucking mess and a bunch of angry customers.
Speaking of my replacement, nobody wants to commit to anything, so I'm at T minus 4 days left, and nobody to replace me yet. I have to train them or something. They are talking about opening the position up to the general public. Uh.. OK. They need someone a week from today, but they are going to open up the hiring to everyone in Portland. That makes TOTAL sense. This is one of the many reasons why I want to leave. They don't know their heads from a hole in the ground.
My doctor put me on Wellbutrin to try for my depression. I'm not sure if its helping, but it is making me feel weird. When it takes effect, I feel like my forehead is numb. It makes me feel stoned for about 30 minutes, then it mellows out. Today it has made me super hyper. I feel like I'm talking a mile a minute and my sentences aren't coming out right since I'm talking so fast. My thoughts are moving at the speed of light. Its almost like I'm on the verge of a panic attack, but my heart isn't racing. I can't sit still. I want to go outside and run around. I don't feel depressed at the moment, but yesterday I felt sluggish and didn't want to leave the house or take a shower. I watched TV and played Icewind Dale all day.
My doctor was competent, but his bedside manner was definitely lacking. I vaguely got the impression that he thought I was a fat cow. When he asked if I had a boyfriend, he made some odd comment about lesbians. Hrm. Well, he seems to know what he's doing at least. He had me go to the hospital to get a blood test to make sure my depression isn't thyroid related.
I haven't heard about the job at my dad's office yet, but I might hear from them tomorrow. I guess we'll see. I sent all my info to the other company, but heard nothing from them. Two of my old friends from OSU are hiring for their IT departments at the moment, so I might have some contacts there. I hope so.
So, I'm going to attempt to get back to work although I can't concentrate. I am so ready to be done with this job.
Nodes That I Wrote Today: none
CD's I've Listened To Today: Depeche Mode - Ultra Magnolia soundtrack Various Artists - Trip to the Andes Tricky - Maxinquaye
Today's Horoscope on my Calendar - Trying too hard to make things happen your way is a no-no. A Venus-Pluto face-off can materialize as romantic downturns and financial black holes. Think of ways to improve the life of your community under Aquarius moon.
I need somebody to shove...
Everything Day Logs Yesterday | Tomorrow
