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Advice for people in Long Distance Relationships

created by TheLady

(thing) by TheLady (16.5 hr) (print)   ?   3 C!s Fri Jul 07 2000 at 8:41:26

It's accepted wisdom that LDRs - Long Distance Relationships - are a nasty idea and one must stay away from them if one can. However I know /me counts surrpetitiusly about 5 or so couples who are/were in an LDR and most of them are doing very well, thank you. The biggest geographical gap amongst my acquaintance was the UK - Australia.

I think LDRs are possible if approached maturely and conducted carefully, and provided there is much true love to hold it all together. And I have some practical advice, too.

I am eminently qualified to give it, since I'm now married to someone I met through the 'net and with whom I spent the first 2 years on different contienents. We were even in different countries for 5 months after we got married!

The one essential, unshakable, absolutely necessary rule of LDRs is:

Communicate, communicate, communicate!

Whether it is by phone, IRC, mail, email, fax or carrier pigeon, make sure that there is contact between you at least every other day, even if you're on different sides of the world.

Some of the reasons why this is paramount are:

  • That's the only way you'll get to know one another well enough for the relationship to transcend the LDR stage and endure.
  • It's incredibly easy to misunderstand a person who's far away and you can't see what they're doing - make sure you never leave anything hanging, as the insecurity the separation brings with it will make you blow it out of all proportion in two seconds flat.
  • It's good to know you're not alone. That the other party misses you too. Sounds corny, but it's a big help, because when you haven't seen the other person for very long, and none of your friends have ever even met them, you start thinking maybe you imagined the whole thing.

If you have any other friends that are in an LDR, stick with them - there's strength in numbers, and in knowing you're not the only one crazy enough to be doing this. We had our own mailing list with all our LDR friends on it, and an IRC server set up specifically to let two of them talk to each other, but we got to use that too.

Throughout our relationship, my reasoning was this: "if I've found someone for whom all this pain and longing are worth it, that means I love him very much indeed." Don't stay in an LDR becuase you think you'll never find anyone who'll love you on sight or up close or for real or full time or at all - when you're trying to find love is a bad time to be feeling sorry for yourself.

(idea) by starchyk (6.5 y) (print)   ?   1 C! Tue Oct 17 2000 at 2:24:56

The long-distance relationship (LDR) has many advantages and disadvantages. Generally, unless this is The One it is best avoided. But at some point most of us will meet a person who is or seems to be so sexy/smart/nice/funny that the disadvantages will be temporarily obscured, and an LDR will ensue. Thus I offer the following suggestions.

1) Get a really good long-distance calling plan. A plan that offers unlimited calling for a low monthly rate is best. When the LDR is good, you will no doubt want to call your loved one everytime you have a good day (or a bad day) or learn something new; in fact, you will want to call everytime you breath. When it is bad, you will want to call to be reassured that it is not bad, or to fight. These phone calls will add up to lots of money, and a big phone bill arriving after you have broken-up will cause bitterness. (Damn, I could have called people I like!)

2) Get used to long periods of abstinence followed by a brief weekends of having tons of sex with a person you barely know anymore. Actually, this isn't unlike my normal state of being except that when you are in a LDR, you know that there is someone you could be having sex with regularly but for the cruel facts of geography. And if an opportunity to have sex with a stranger arises, you will have to say no, or suffer from guilt which will erode the LDR. And remember, even if your loved one is thousands of miles away, it is a small world. You will get caught!

3) If you can develop an enjoyment of suffering than you will love being in an LDR! Learn to brood, wear black clothing to signify your dispair and always remember to share your pain with friends. Because they care they will want to listen to long accountings of how great your long-distance love is, and how painful the seperation is to you. If they don't, then they aren't your real friends. If at the demise of the LDR you find yourself without friends, well this will suit your new, darker personality. After all, we all die alone in the end.

Final note: If possible, try to have an open relationship. This will allow you the freedom to sleep with other people without the above mentioned guilt. And since your loved one is far, far away, you probably won't have to actually meet any of the people s/he dated in your absence.

(idea) by nocodeforparanoia (1.6 wk) (print)   ?   1 C! Thu Sep 06 2001 at 7:51:07

Okay, here's nocodeforparanoia's first hand tips to not fucking up an LDR the way he did:

because i really don't know what I'm talking about.

(thing) by impishlaugh (3.7 hr) (print)   ?   2 C!s Fri Oct 04 2002 at 20:18:46

A year ago, I sat here biting my nails and consulting these writeups. I live in Nashville, and the guy I love had just moved to Los Angeles. I was hoping that e2 could provide a magical crystal ball/heartache numbing ointment/miracle. I paid close attention to everything here, and following other noders' advice really helped us. We've stayed together and stayed strong for a little more than a year now. In that time, I've realized some things that aren't included here:

1. Matt and I had been apart for almost a year, and then we spent out three-month summer vacation together. After being apart for so long, living together again requires some adjusting. We'd lived apart for so long that we'd almost forgotten that face-to-face relationships require things like compromise, dealing with someone else's problems, and looking at someone else's messes. During this period, be understanding, be affectionate, talk things out, and maintain a sense of humor. Remember, this is the person you love, and you're not perfect either. After a week or two, you'll get your pre-long-distance vibe back. And it'll be even better than before.

2. Don't bother getting into a long-distance relationship unless you're so serious about the person that you're willing to relocate for them. Unless you want to be long-distance forever, someone's going to have to move. This goes for BOTH people, because if you're not equally serious about each other, it's not going to work.

3. Expect your social life to change. I didn't see this one coming at all, and it was probably the hardest thing for me to deal with. Hanging out with your single friends and going bar hopping just doesn't feel right when you're not looking for love. Hanging out with your paired-up friends is a little better, because they are usually more sympathetic when you start to talk about long-distance woes. But being around other couples can be depressing.
If your social life does change for the worse, don't take it out on your beloved. Remember, he or she is going through the same thing.

(idea) by Valrus (6.7 hr) (print)   ?   Sun Dec 08 2002 at 23:46:40

Warning: This is a slightly sappy writeup. If you don't like that, your time would perhaps be better spent elsewhere. This is intended to glorify the potentially powerful benefits of a long distance relationship.

There are some things you will learn if you ever end up in a good long distance relationship. You may learn, for example:

Thanks to Evilrooster for suggesting the second to last item.

(idea) by Scribe (5.4 hr) (print)   ?   3 C!s Thu Oct 09 2003 at 3:51:00

"Don't date him. How are you supposed to keep an eye on him when he's in another state? How can you trust him if you can't keep your eye on him all the time?"

This was the advice given to me about long distance relationships in an attempt to save me from pain. If you feel like you have to keep an eye on your Other then long distance relationships are not for you. If you have been cheated on frequently, dumped a lot, and lied to routinely then long distance relationships may not be the best course of action for you. One of the basic "musts" for a long distance relationship, of any relationship, is trust. You have to trust that the person will be faithful, that they will be honest and that they won't intentionally hurt you. You also have to be absolutely sure that you will be able to remain faithful and honest, and that you would never intentionally hurt them.

When you enter into a long distance relationship you have to be prepared. It's hard. If you've been in one for several months and it's not hard then you should seriously ask yourself why. Because you should miss them so much that every day you're apart feels like a week. You should feel certain degrees of envy when you see other couples holding hands. When I started reaching for a hand that wasn't there, a hand that was two states away and was probably clutching a book at that very moment, I knew I was in trouble. Realizing that you're holding your own hand because you long for him to hold it is a bizarre moment. On some level I knew that I was getting attached to this person, that my happiness began to depend on him. This is where a survival guide becomes handy, as it's when you realize you are attached to someone and that you need them that problems generally start.

Let it out.
Communicating with your loved one at a distance generally tends to distort the message. You can't read their body language and the intent behind their seemingly cruel comment is lost. Maybe they were teasing you, starting some playful banter that people who care about each other often exchange. My point is don't react right away. Ask yourself if the comment is out of character. Don't call them up and start yelling at them and don't bottle it up and try to be the bigger person and let it go. Unfortunately "letting it go" doesn't seem to work that often. All it does is make you unsure of them, of yourself, of the relationship. Eventually these things start eating away at you and then they explode. Something like mentioning an old girlfriend shouldn't be enough to destroy your relationship. If it is, then it probably wasn't meant to be. So if something makes you feel bad, hurt, confused, etc. just ask them about it.

Making time is important.
When you can't see the person you care about all that often, it's important that you make some time to talk to them on the phone, on the internet, however you can. You don't have to carry a cell phone or beeper around so that they can contact you at every given moment during the day, but you might want to consider scheduling a nightly date. A time when the two of you can spend an hour just talking about your respective days. When you keep in touch regularly the distance doesn't seem so much, because even though they aren't there with you it feels like they are. They still get to share in your frustrations and you still get to share in their exciting moments.

Give them a little room.
I know what you're thinking, they're hundreds, maybe thousands, of miles away they have all the room they need. You spend all your time thinking about them, wondering what they're doing, wondering when you'll see them again..they should do the same right? They should send you emails, text messages, letters, leave voice mails for you several times a day. Every day. Wrong. They might have important things going on, sick relatives, exams, hellish deadlines to meet. You can't expect them to be actively thinking about talking to you every second of the day. That doesn't mean that they aren't carrying thoughts of you around with them, it just means that they have responsibilities that they have to take care of. You need to understand when they tell you that it might be a day before you talk to them again. You need to understand if they have to cancel your scheduled date one night because they are behind on work or have a paper to write. You have to be willing to bend.

Get a life.
If all you do is go to work and come home..or worse..you have no job so you sit around bored all day..you're bound to make your situation worse. People with hours of nothing to do think a lot If your loved one is hundreds of miles away and you haven't heard from them all morning your mind will begin to spin tales. Suddenly the absence of your daily "Good Morning" is because they don't really care about you. And if you talk to them online and you have nothing better to do but hang around all day just waiting for them to make an appearance..then POUNCE...well that's no good either. Greeting your loved one is always a joy, but if you then begin IMing them constantly it has the potential to grow annoying. So go outside, enjoy the day, visit with friends, shop, job hunt, watch a movie. Keep yourself occupied or you'll drive yourself and your Other crazy. This doesn't mean that you can't send them a text message when you're thinking about them. Just don't overdo it.

Be true to yourself.
Shakespeare didn't fluff up his plays with extra words the way some of us pack poetic nonsense into our fiction. It is important that throughout any relationship of any kind that you remain true to yourself. Every relationship has bumps in the road and if you feel in your heart that this person means something more to you than just a friend, then you should fight for the relationship. You should work through the problems. You shouldn't give up. But if you are unhappy, if you know that staying in the relationship will only make you both unhappy in the end then you have to be honest. Some things you can't see until it gets to be too late.

Also in this category, don't pretend you're someone you're not. If you have to make yourself into something you're not to please your Other (bedroom fantasy scenarios not included..unless you're doing something you think is icky but they really want to do) then the relationship isn't going to last. You're fooling them and you're making yourself unhappy. It takes a lot of work to keep up the pretense and eventually you'll slip up. Or get so tense with hiding the truth of who you are that it falls apart in an argument that ends the relationship anyway. Just be yourself. If they can't deal, then they're not for you. (note: things like learning to pick up after yourself are not applicable)



I am not a relationship counselor. I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist or therapist of any kind. My advice comes from my own experience and the shared experiences of my friends. It's basic. Common sense, really. You just have to recognize when your rational side is on vacation because your heart is involved. Somehow even the smartest people fall victim to the paranoia brought about when you put yourself, and your heart, on the line.


cbustapeck says Also, you can sing "I will survive" =)

(idea) by Kilari (3.2 hr) (print)   ?   2 C!s Fri Mar 04 2005 at 4:32:21

I was in a long-distance relationship for three years and one of those years was spent with my boyfriend on another continent. We were long distance from the start, since we met online, but we made it through and are engaged and living in the same city now. Looking back, it sometimes seems like it wasn't that bad, but make no mistake, a long-distance relationship is incredibly difficult and requires a high level of dedication and maturity on both parts.

It will not be fun

You may love the person, but this isn't going to be a lot of romance and dates. You have to get used to the fact that your level of commitment to the other person has to be much higher than might be normally expected in a dating relationship. You have to trust them, be able to talk to them honestly, and be willing to make time for them (which is even harder when the other person lives in a vastly different time zone). You will have to let things go. You can't let fights fester, because the other person isn't going to be there to remind you how much you love them with a hug or a sorrowful look. You both have to slog through the problems and work shit out. There will be lots of angst.

Get a computer

I spent a lot of money on phone calls until we started using voice chat programs to talk via computer. It revolutionized things. We could talk as long as we wanted and it was invaluable in avoiding international phone fees. We'd always talked via ICQ and AIM before, but having free phone calls helped us stay in touch much better than by just chatting online.

Know when it will end

It's not important that the end of the relationship be marriage, but you should both have a clear idea when the separation will be over and what both of your levels of commitment are. My boyfriend and I knew that we had four years to get through while I finished college. We managed to cut a year off of that, but having an idea of when the end was, even though it was far away, always helped. If you don't know when you will be back together again (for good, not just for a visit) then it will be much harder to keep going.

Sex will be weird

If you're in a sexual relationship, that's obviously another factor that gets distorted by distance. The longest we were apart at one time was seven months and when I saw him again I hardly recognized him. It was hard because he would want a lot of sex and I wouldn't, having basically ignored my sex drive for months on end. But whatever the situation, having sex again with someone you haven't seen for a while can be strange.

Reuniting will be hard

It was probably harder than it needed to be for me, since when my boyfriend and I reunited we were also going through reverse culture shock from both having lived for the past year or so in another country. But even though being in the same place again seems like it will solve all your problems, it won't. You both will have changed and won't be used to having the other in your daily life. You won't be used to interacting with each other and physical affection will take some time to work out. After three years apart, it took my boyfriend and I four or five months to get comfortable with being together again and work out how being together changed our lives.



Having a long-distance relationship required an extraordinary amount of commitment, trust, and slogging through bucketfuls of angst. I got engaged part way through and actually it didn't really come as a surp