Pushed around and shoved around always the lonely boy.
I’m sitting on the couch because I can’t sleep.
It's late. I know I have to get up for work. I should be getting a good night's sleep but I'm sitting here thinking instead. I pulled the covers up around my shoulders but it doesn’t help because all the cold is inside.
I think I must have at some level known that Tim was gay.
Tim’s parents live next door to my aunt and uncle. My cousin Julie and I were friends even though the only time we really saw each other was over the holidays. After she died Tim and I were close. We didn’t see each other much but every so often he would call or send a card. Julie did that too. Sent me things when I was at school because she knew I needed cheering up. I'm sure she told Tim to keep tabs on me when I went away to school. Our schools were close so it made sense to carpool. My aunt and uncle encouraged me to visit and after Julie was gone it was even more important to them. I could never replace her but by being around they could remember the good times we had grown up with.
It's not cold out but I can't get warm. When Tim called, he called me up and asked if I’d come get him. I knew something was wrong. I was up anyways and I was expecting a phone call but I know I screamed when the phone rang. Part of me is still screaming inside.
I don't know how to explain this but I get very strong vibes on people. I've always gotten them. There’s nothing I can do about any of it but I wake up in the middle of the night and two hours later the phone rings. This time it was Tim telling me that a couple of guys he works with beat him up.
I know there’s more to the story. I know it the way that I know that Ryan is behind all of this. He works with Tim. They’re both insurance agents but they’re totally different people.
Tim is the kind of person who gets clients because you instinctively trust him. I love that about him. You can lie next to him, he’ll put his arm around you and you feel..., you feel safe. Like there are bad things going on all around you but somehow you’re going to be protected.
I’m pretty sure that Ryan and his friends..., I can’t explain how I know this but I’m positive that they did more to Tim than just beat him up. I think, maybe I’m all washed up but I think that Tim has liked Ryan for a long time. Tim is a lot like his dad.
Tim’s mom tells his dad what to do and his dad sits with paper for another five minutes before he gets up and does it. They don’t have a very cheerful home. Tim is an only child – I think life must be hard for him. He let Ryan have one of his clients; Ryan claimed that Tim stole the lead and Tim handed the client over.
I want to cry but the tears are trapped. I’m sitting on the couch and I have my thick socks and heavy sweatshirt on. I’m still wearing the same jeans and long sleeved t-shirt that I was earlier. Tim looks awful. I want to kill those guys for what they did to him and it’s not even about beating him up. It’s the look in his eyes that gets to me.
The look that says I don’t care and life isn’t worth living anymore. I don’t think he’ll do anything like kill himself but I know he could. He could and, to me, the really sad people aren’t the people who are hysterically crying. The really sad people are the people who never cry at all.
I don’t think Tim cries.
He’s in my bed right now. My feelings are so mixed up about this. I love Tim but he still thinks of me as Julie’s annoying little tag along cousin. I know he doesn’t really see me as a woman. I’m just a girl to him.
I’d like to think that I’m the mother he never had. I was the one he turned to when he was in trouble. I took him into the emergency room after Ryan and his friends beat Tim up. The things I learned were valuable lessons. I learned a lot about Tim tonight. I found out that he has a kidney that isn’t fully functional. I was crying even before I heard that but I was almost hysterical when he took his shirt off. I've never seen bruises like that before. I can’t believe that Ryan and his friends did that. Tim is never going to get away from people like that either. I’ve seen him, he gets sucked in and he really believes in people. Maybe he’s been lonely and he is lonely so he feels bad for other people, I don’t know.
I don't understand how Tim can be so smart and not able to read people. I'm not as smart as Tim is. I'm not as nice either and Tim is so smart. He loves to read and he likes to cook... Now I'm thinking about the way he smiled at me when we were putting supper together. He smiles when you least expect it and it always makes me happy to see him smile. I smile at everyone but Tim only smiles at me. He doesn’t have a life that he can smile about.
He wants to go back to school. He’s thinking about being an attorney and he could do it too. He always got good grades in school and I just know he’d be good at researching things and defending his clients. He wouldn’t be like the lawyers you see on TV but I still think that he would be a good attorney because he really cares about people.
Tim hurts me because he doesn't do anything about the people who are hurting him. He meets new people and he thinks that they’re his friends. Over and over and over again. It’s a pattern. It doesn’t look like it’s breaking any time soon and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. I have to let him live his life the way that he needs to live it.
We had a talk, he’s going to move in. Maybe that will help. I hope it works out. I hope I don’t annoy him. He’s more neat and tidy than I am. I’m not a total slob but I’m impulsive so when my friends call and ask if I want to go out. I leave the dishes and grab my shoes. My parents are always telling me not to be so imuplsive. I don’t look before I leap. I leap and I never look back once I do.
I don’t feel bad about sleeping with Tim. He was my first and it was one of those nights and one of those times. He felt bad about it afterwards. I held his hand and tucked the pain away. Now I'm the person taking advangtage of him because I seduced him. He’s not much of a drinker and I don’t need to drink. I’m just high on life. I wanted the night and I wanted him. I wanted him to love me and I wanted to give him something that no one else could.
I think that Tim and I will be good parents. I can get him to go out and have a good time and he’ll be the kind of father that stays at home with the baby while I go out for lunch with one of my friends.
Almost all of my really good friends are guys. I’m almost one of them. I haven’t told anyone about the baby yet. I just found out and I’m going to wait before I tell anyone.
Years ago my aunt had a miscarriage. My cousin Julie had one when she was seventeen. She and her boyfriend had been sleeping together. She loved him and he dumped her. After the breakup, that was the first time we sat and cried together. I was at school when her package came. She sent me a [The power of unanticipated mail. There was a roll of quarters, some candy and a bottle of perfume. It was a small bottle and I never wear perfume but I put it up on my dresser to remind myself of her. It was the first thing Tim looked at when he picked me up. I know he knows it was from her but I don't know how he knows. I still have the bottle. Every time I see it I think about Julie and how pretty and feminine she used to be.
If I have a girl... Julie was someone special. No one will ever replace her and what she meant to me. But if I do have a girl…
If I have a girl. I’ll let Tim pick the name out.
For my friend Julie and someone else. You know who you are. | 
