61 things to do with an AOL CD

1. Handy dandy coaster tray!
2. Attach keys to it.
3. Put a sturdy stick on it and use it as a fly swatter.
4. Normal hockey pucks too small? Glue several AOL CDs together and you're off!
5. Got a fussy baby? Build a AOL mobile and hang it over her crib! (Make sure too cover up the AOL logo. You wouldn't want to traumatize the poor child; would you?)
6. Butt buffing.
7. Use a razor blade and our handy stencil to create a ninja star! Please use responsibly.
8. Smash up several CDs and use the shiny side to create an avant-garde masterpiece.
9. Mail several thousand of the CDs back to AOL Headquarters. (Make sure to ruin the CDs first, you wouldn't want AOL mailing them out again!)
10. Tile your floor with them.
11. Put one in the microwave for 10 seconds. Only do this if you have a spare microwave sitting around.
12. Really, really cool shingles for your house.
13. Hood ornaments.
14. If you're ever stuck on a desert island, grab one of the AOL CDs bound to be nearby and use it to signal passing ships.
15. Flash your friends in the eyes. (wh0rg cannot be held responsible for eye damage resulting from this use of the AOL CD)
16. Above use also good for distracting the opposing team at sporting events.
17. AOL plate mail. AOL CDs make nearly impenetrable suit of armor. Protect yourself as you storm Microsoft HQ.
18. Recycle. Not as fun as other methods, but better for the environment.
19. Use one for a clock face.
20. Sharpen and serrate one and use it as a replacement circular saw blade.
21. Makeshift Chakram.
22. Bake one into a cake and send it to your favorite inmate. We're not sure how, but we think a resourceful con could use it to escape from prison.
23. Frisbee!
24. Forget crosses, garlic, and holy water, nothing scares off the undead like a buggy ass AOL 5.0 CD.
25. Target for your BB gun! Tape a piece of paper over the hole in the middle, so you know if you got a bull's eye.
26. Use them to block the microwaves the aliens are beaming at you. It's cheaper than aluminum foil.
27. AOL arts and crafts for camp!
28. A beautiful AOL chandelier.
29. Replace your friend's Half-Life CD with a spare AOL one. (This is a very vicious prank, and should not be taken lightly.)
30. Install it on your friend's computer. (This is right up there with peeing on the toilet seat, being a telemarketer or a Scientologist, do not be surprised if you burn for this one.)
31. Install it on every computer you come across. (This will make you a tool in the schemes of the AOL corperate megalith and will sentence your soul to eternal damnation in the darkest pits of hell. *Not recommended*)
32. Scrape the label off and make pretty rainbow beads!
33. Replace your friends prosthetic leg with one made from melted AOL CD's.
34. Giant refractive telescopes.
35. Carrie 2... Now with AOL!
36. Collect them year-round and hand them out at Halloween.
37. Sharpen the edges and use them as a pizza wheel.
38. Projectiles, projectiles, projectiles... (we cannot stress this one enough).
39. Take a large black marker, write "Eh, Eh, how do you like it fucker?" on 40,000 of them and bulk mail them to Steve Case.
40. Use them instead of the reflective thingies on your bike.
41. Having a big shin dig? Run a few through a shredder and use them for swanky mirrored stir sticks.
42. Take a hammer to a few hundred of them and paste them to a beach ball...INSTANT DISCO.
43. Scratch out the AOL logo (leaving behind the "100 FREE HOURS!" part), In its place write "'s Nasty Ho'bag Emporium and Smut Shoppe" and hand them out on a street corner.
44. Give them to panhandlers.
45. Go to a corporate Money Lender, hand them numerous AOL disks with Chinese writing etched on them and insist they are obscure Asian coinage that you would like to exchange.
46. Wear one around your neck on a big gold chain, start a trend just like Flavor Flave did back in the 80's!
47. Hire someone you want dead to hand them out at a LINUX convention.
48. ACME© COCK MIRROR^TM®: She can watch her self while she leaves a few hot lipstick rings around Mr. Perky. --$19.00
49. Stick one in a box with a FURBY^TM a TICKLE ME ELMO^TM doll, some JAR JAR© Merchandise a couple BEANIE BABIES^TM and a Windows 98 CD, label it Pandora's Box.....
50. Put one in your hair... you too can look like a Jetson.
51. Who needs clay pigeons? "PULL!"
52. If you ever decide to remake an Ed Wood movie, you can always use them in lieu of paper plates to represent the invading alien hordes.
53. Circular knives (just don't grip the sharpened side) slit the necks of Corporate Scum with dreadful accuracy.
54. Feed them to your neighbor's annoying dog.
55. Get a blowtorch and make contemporary art sculptures.
56. Donate them to the Salvation Army (We suggest around 20,000 or so in one of their "donation boxes").
57. Melt several million and make your very own liquid metal T-1000.
58. Create the worlds most obnoxious "House of mirrors".
59. Make a new tourist attraction by creating the BIG-BALL-O-AOL (only recommended if you live in the rural Midwest).
60. To inspire REAL terror, attach one to a brick, tie a threatening message to it and throw it through some random person's window. Run like hell.
61. Sell them to AOL users :P

I grabbed up several boxes - free stuff is always cool - and left, figuring that maybe not all employees there would agree with this. After a brief period of trying to hock them on the street outside with no success, I took them home over the loud objections from my friends of their uselessness. See, I had a Clever Plan.

Having heard about someone who used excess music CDs as wallpaper, I figured the hundreds of free AOL CDs could be better used to decorate my dorm, label side down of course. Since I drove to college, bringing them along was not a problem.

Putting them up was. My room was cozy yet spacious, but most unfortunately a double. While my roommate was a cool guy (except sometimes when drunk - then I wanted to perform medical experiments on him), this meant there was very few places to put the CDs. Finally, I decided on my bedshelf, a five foot high space for a mattress, pillows, blankets, me and not much else. Beyond being physically dangerous in the morning (Falling off something's a good way to completely wake up), the bedshelf disappointed me in various ways, and caused some literal headaches once and twice when I attempted to surmount my problems.

When I had free time during the school week, I put up a line of CDs using bluetack, and then ran out of adhesive. It looked nice, especially when the sun or a laser pointer hit it, but somehow not what I imagined. I realized that if I extended the line down, I would rub the CDs off the wall in my sleep. Other potential sleeping situations would just be worse. So I reluctantly decided to wait on the project. Things dragged on, and shit happened. I showed that single line of CDs to a few people, but nowhere near as many as I had wished. And so when I stumbled around in a depressed state of mind preparing to go home, I ripped down only that one line of CDs.

So now it is summer, and I still have the box of CDs. Sitting in my room, they're an interesting reminder of college. But next year I have a single. And a real bed. And I'm driving to college again.

I think next year will be much different.

Destroying AOL CDs is an art...

There are those, the legendary casian artisans, who have elevated AOL CD destruction to a spiritual experience. Although I have not yet reached enlightenment, I have followed the many spiraled path, the path that leads to the end of the AOL as we know it and the rebirth of the great slumbering daemon.

Seekers take note. The following have composed my path:

• Bake in an oven till warped, brings wisdom.
• Stick in a microwave until scarred, brings beauty.
• Use as a model rocket launch pad, brings strength.
• Use as a target for a crossbow, brings charisma.
• Freeze to extreme cold then shatter, brings humour.

May your path be brightened by the reflection of the divine CDs...

Instructions for a lagcatcher:

1. Carve weird indian-like symbols on it.
2. poke some holes in the edges and add tassels made from Cat5.
3. Put a hole in the top and hang it on your computer.