robnotrob's New Writeups

Gold root (thing)

2001-02-26T17:08:41Z

We had just received the packages that we had ordered from ...Of The Jungle. It's an ethnobotanical warehouse to lawyers and others involved in lies. To your typical stoner/college student it is the glorious possibility of drugs delivered in the mail. Not just a bag from out west shoved into gourmet coffee,

"Is this Prosound Inc.?"
"Yes it is, UPS guy, and I am indeed James K. Polk."

This was 'legal drugs' shipped to you in clearly labeled packaging, announcing to the world that you are about to get your drink, smoke, whatever on. Well thefez and I thought that was slicker than a $10 bill in a pair of $2 panties! We had: a couple of ounces of Smoking blend (which we made The Tea out of, but that is a whole other story) an ounce of scotch broom tops, an ounce of malaysian "marijuana", a whole sack of seeds that were to produce tantalizing plants of mind altering effects ... and Gold Root.

All of it was shit. The only…

Winter Games for your car (idea)

2000-12-21T18:57:51Z

The first game is one I like to call Sherman Tank. All you need is a heavy snowstorm, lethargy, and a bag of luck points. Instead of brushing/scraping all the snow and ice off your vehicle (like your uptight driving instructor would tell you), simply scrape off an index card-sized area on your windshield, crank up your heater and head out to adventure. The best part comes at intersections. My advise is creep out very slowly and be ready for impact. Nothing can spice up your day like barreling down the road in your ice encrusted mini tank.

Next is the irresistible force. To play this game effectively you need a full, clear range of vision, so don't try to play Sherman Tank while engaged in this one, and an unplowed driveway. Get in your car, pick a target out in the road i.e., a paint mark, piece of ice... now imagine a straight line from your position to the target. Pray to whatever god, force, entity you worship, for limited traffic volume and slam the peddle to the floor!…

None shall escape a clubbing (thing)

2000-12-06T17:05:37Z

I'm laying in my bed enjoying that quality slack time before work. Letting my mind wander through the glorious yellow that slips through the storm window. Watching the light reflect off the ice on the roof and enjoying the nothing, the most relaxing 15 minutes of my day.

My tranquilaty is broken by voices. My breathing stops and I listen closer. Yep, someone is talking in the next room. I slowly get out of bed and creep to the door, pressing my ear to it and holding my breath. I hear a quite voice rambling out sounds that I don't recognize and too quickly to discern.

I open the door just a crack and peer into the apartment. A man with a leather jacket and slicked hair pulled into a ponytail is standing in my kitchen with his back to me. I close the door as quitely as I can, making sure to let the door knob creep back into the closed position.

What do I do? I only saw one but he's talking to someone in there. Do I yell? No he doesn't know I'm home, what if he has…

Grandma and the internet or Cream of the Slop (idea)

2000-11-07T16:23:37Z

Well grandma let me show you what I do at work.

"I think this is just amazing. Everything you could ever want to know at your disposal and you can talk to people all over the world too, right?"

Yep, let me show you around some of the sites I'm on all day. Look, here someone is advertising Natalie Portman's hot grits now with added ejaculate. Ok, bad example how about here, this is called a link. You click on it and it brings you to a new web site. This one says it's about the election.

Ok, this isn't about the election, it's about a collaboration between ebay and the History channel they are auctioning off Mother Theresa's hymen. Oh no I don't think that it's true.

Why don't we just look at some email instead. Allright lets read this one. This guy seems to think I am deleting stories from the web site, in particular one about censorship in Australia

"Why would you do that?"

I don't know why I would but he's sent me pictures of his screen to prove it, two of them . He…

Strange calls at work (thing)

2000-11-06T16:04:14Z

Hello

"Hi ,do you accept credit cards?"

What number are you trying to reach?

"555-3546"

well that's the right number but we don't do anything you would need a credit card for. What company are you trying to reach?

"I don't know".

(uncomfortably long pause)

"You see I'm inside a bank right now"

Well if you need help getting out I'll accept payment after I liberate you, I don't need your credit card number up front.

"Ok thanks but I'll try calling someone else. Thank you for your time"

Why Kurt had to go out the window (idea)

2000-10-19T19:36:53Z

Because the day-glow Jesus on the door told me to. Because through all the geek screaming around here he sits quitely and doesn't make them shut up. Because I think he was reading my mind and eating my thoughts. Because thefez said to, a long time ago. I did it so I could run away to Mexico with nate like he told me in his arms that warm summer night. Kurt calls himself the pope for godsake anyone who has that big of a head needs a concrete wake-up call. Because there was motive and opportunity, things that don't go together as much as you would think. Because he drank the last Brisk. Because I think he really wanted me to do it, there was definately a certain gleam in his eye while he fell. Because he was late today and still hasn't given me a key. Because bones told me I would go up a level. Most of all because he said the glass was unbreakable.

"He said yes to life for all his life but then one day he said.;oh, I got to go.."