juliet's New Writeups

August 13, 2001 (idea)

2001-09-18T13:56:00Z

"Bad girl, drunk by six
Kissing some kind stranger's lips
Smoked too many cigarettes today
I'm not happy when I act this way"
Madonna, "Bad Girl"

Lately I've been spending at least a few nights a week having a drink or three.. at my local neighborhood bar! Heh.. I don't know what's worse.. being motivated to see a boy.. or that being the only excuse I find acceptable for the behavior..

Going downtown lately has caused me to run into some people I dig, and don't dig so much.. As I was being forced to shoot pool the other night I wound up running into my high school bully.. basically the guy who made high school sexual harassment more than just an article in Seventeen magazine.. back then I was too scared to even be noticed for the "wrong reasons" .. I was loud only when I found it appropriate.. I kind of forgot about this person and their daily torture.. I forgot how I felt back then..

Not…

August 31, 2001 (thing)

2001-09-18T13:29:59Z

So last night was my last "party night" downtown.. not that it was much of a party.. but I got my drink on..

I was sitting not two days ago
Feeling lonely cause I'm just feeling low
And I asked Henry my bartending friend
"Why is it that there are those kind of men?"

And Henry said
"You're lucky to even know me You're lucky to be alive
You're lucky to be drinking here for free
Cause I'm a sucker for your lucky pretty eyes"
Liz Phair, "Polyester Bride"

I am either a fool, or just pathetically trusting.. or maybe both.. He is either a flake, or a quite dishonestly stringing me along.. I know a lot of this is in my head.. I want to figure out the mystery.. and I know it will reveal itself eventually.. for better or worse.. I want to know now.. So I have to laugh at my own prison of yuckiness I have created.

So the weird thing with me being social butterfly girl lately is.. I don't really get a…

September 14, 2001 (idea)

2001-09-18T13:25:55Z

It truly is the end of the world as we know it.. Bleh.. as corny as that is.. the truth of it sort of makes me pause.. and feel sad over the loss of innocence lost by EVERYONE who's life was touched by the recent events.

I am really torn right now.. part of me feels like just bawling.. grieving for something I believe that is more valuable than loss of life.. and that is the deflating quality of life .. for all .. fuck my belief in the global higher consciousness .. Part of me feels like shaking people.. The loss of life .. now.. or ever.. doesn't need to have it's worth diminished by a world that doesn't choose to seize the value in their own lives" .. And there is the tiredness of just wishing I didn't care.. even though that is something I would freak out about if it happened..

I believe grief and mourning are part of the healing process.. but wallowing.. is well.. just that..

I don't think I have started to grieve yet.. for personal loss.. for the world's…

Raising a Glass to the Fallen: An Impromptu Bay Area Noder Gathering (idea)

2001-09-18T13:03:30Z

I was informed of a Bay Area noder shindig by Miss akasha, and decided to go.. I was a bit neurotic about going because I haven't been very active on e2, and wasn't sure how many people I'd be familiar with.

akasha met me earlier in the day, and sat on irc while I primped.. shower, make-up, shoe changes, etc.. by the time I finished my friend Jason got home.. (to those old schoolers.. Jason is NeXT.boy, the old inspiration for all of my smooching nodes..) I asked Jason to meet us there.

When akasha and I arrived, the lady at the door wanted to charge us a cover charge, we found that silly. After milling around outside for a bit.. we ran into Rabid Monkey. He ran in and got me a drink, because I didn't know what was up with the cover charge.

After a little factgirl, Jason, bindlenix, Ereneta, ouroborus, plonk_plonk showed up.. by this time I am on drink 2.. We realize that they aren't going to be able to seat us inside, and so we wind up outside…

Searching for my family (idea)

2001-07-10T11:57:22Z

The word family has always had an odd meaning to me.

Being adopted, people always asked about my birth parents. They were never family to me, just some people who shared their dna with me. To me family was my adopted parents, and their relatives.

By the time I was 7, my "family" consisted of my mother, and her parents. My father chose liquor, and my addict step-mother over being with me. His absense downgraded his status from Daddy, to someone whose name I'd put down on forms next to "father's name".

I never considered family very importent.. while I loved my mother.. the concept of family was never truly understood. I didn't think it mattered.

Being adopted by white parents was never an issue I realized until recently. I pushed it to the back of my mind. I think I wanted to belong to my mother so much I denied even considering having feelings on it. I remember when I was about 3, we were watching…

May 9, 2001 (idea)

2001-05-09T07:35:50Z

I fucking hate catch-22's. My grandmother was put back in the hospital again late last week.. and my grandfather is ill.. just like last time.. he worries about her so much.. he makes himself ill.. I hate seeing them suffer.. My mom is a basket case.. it sounds so horrible.. but I wish they would all go in a airplane crash.. quick, painless, and together.. I can deal with my grief.. but if my grandmother dies.. it will be the end of my grandfather.. and my mother would fall apart.. loosing both her parents quickly together.. it sounds so selfish.. but watching others I love grieve.. I feel so helpless because I can't ease their pain.. seeing them in pain just drives a knife in me..

I spent all day with my grandmother.. she worries about me.. she told me today she wants to see me here.. in Florida.. settled.. Settled. A big part of why I am still here is due to obligation I…