FredPenner's New Writeups

Plans to discover the KFC Secret Recipe (idea)

2007-06-20T03:16:39Z

Earlier today I was eating a piece of leftover Kentucky Fried Chicken over the kitchen sink when a thought struck me. The Colonel's secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices is highly guarded and the KFC company has a history of being very litigious when it comes to protecting that secret. So, if I could figure out the secret recipe, I could probably stir up a fair amount of shit. Sweet.

How could I figure it out? Well, I don't really have to. I think I could probably make KFC tell me - in a roundabout sort of way. Let me explain:

Let's start by considering what we know about the recipe. The KFC company itself has given us 2 terrific clues:

First, we know the recipe contains only 11 herbs and spices. That fact alone gives us a tremendous advantage when it comes to guessing the recipe. Think about it - if we didn't know how many spices we were looking for then we'd have to consider recipes ranging from 2 ingredients to a zillion

…

suing God (idea)

2007-01-14T00:28:13Z

Back in 2005 I read a news story about a guy from Romania who was in jail doing 20 years for murder and decided to sue God because, he says, his baptism was a contract with God to keep him out of trouble and now that he's in jail for murder it's obvious that God breached the contract and let him fall into the devil's hands.

The court said they couldn't pursue the suit because they have no way to subpoena God.

The man, who the media called Pavel M., filed the following complaint:

I, the undersigned Pavel M, currently jailed at Timisoara Penitentiary serving a 20 years sentence for murder, request legal action against God, resident in Heaven, and represented here by the Romanian Orthodox Church, for committing the following crimes: cheating, concealment, abuse against people's interest, taking bribe and traffic of influence.

And:

God even claimed and received from me various goods and prayers in exchange for

…

January 12, 2007 (idea)

2007-01-13T02:00:45Z

The bird
When I got to work this morning and got out of my car I saw a dove sitting on the wooden fence that surrounds the parking lot. The bird had a bit of dry grass in its beak, looking like it was heading off to build a nest.

I got out of my car and the bird was staring at me. I looked back a the bird and said "Hi", expecting it to fly away. It didn't.

I reached into my car and got my bag, locked the door and swung it shut. When I looked at the fence again the bird was still there. Looking at me.

I said "bye" to the bird and started walking to the building. After a half dozen steps I looked over my shoulder and the bird was still there, in the same spot, with the grass in its beak, staring right at me.

I walked on and when I reached the bottom of the stairs leading into the building, I stopped and turned around. The bird was still there. It was still staring at me. Shouldn't this bird be busy doing something? Like building a…

September 19, 2006 (person)

2006-09-19T15:17:08Z

The Bus Driver Part II: Bus Driver Vengeance
I thought it was over. A bus driver honked at me, I gave her the finger, she yelled at me and said she wasn't honking at me, I apologised and that was that. Over, right?

Not over. The saga continues, apparently. And it's such a stupid thing too, caused by a misunderstanding and me giving someone the finger. You'd think I'd drawn a picture of a bus driver wearing a bomb in her turban and had it published in a Danish newspaper. Ridiculous.

To keep things simple I'll call the driver Mary. Here's what happened today:

My wife walked the kids to school today and when she arrived, my son ran off to play with friends and my daughter stayed with my wife. At the same time, Mary pulled her bus up to the school and let some kids and at least one parent off the bus. Mary saw my wife and walked over to her.

Now I wasn't there, so this is here-say, but my…

September 18, 2006 (person)

2006-09-19T02:31:21Z

Incidentally, it's my birthday today.

The bus driver
I got yelled at by a bus driver today. And it wasn't some gnarled old city bus driver who's been doing the same route for 50 years and can read a newspaper on the steering wheel because he doesn't even have to look where he's going anymore, his arms just keep making the turns automatically. I got yelled at by a lunch lady type who was driving a full-length yellow school bus. Look:

I was driving the kids to school this morning and I stopped at a crosswalk. It's one of those crosswalks where they've installed red/yellow/green signal lights. It was red, I was stopped.

When the light turned green, before I could even move my foot from brake to gas, the bus behind me honked. I wasn't asleep or anything, I was watching the light and that "hurry up" honk was uncalled for.

So I rolled forward to the school driveway at about 5km/h, hopefully to the annoyance of the bus driver behind me. It was only…

Three jacks card trick (idea)

2006-09-10T04:37:13Z

This is a simple card trick that might impress your nine-year-old but definitely won't land you a TV gig as the next Criss Angel. But it's easy to remember and good for situations where you find yourself in need of a card trick, regardless of how lame.

This trick is also sometimes referred to as "The Three Amigos " card trick. Here's how it goes.

Preparation
Yes, some prep is required. Don't be discouraged by this step. Many people think that any card trick that requires some stacking of the deck is lame, but they don't realise that plenty of amazing tricks require a stacked deck. And this bit of preparation is quite simple and could likely be done as you hem and haw, convertly scaning through the deck, saying things like "A card trick? Do I know any card tricks? Let me think here..."

1) Locate the 4 jacks and remove from the deck.

2) Without making it obvious to the audience, place 1 jack on the top of the…